July 2: Happy (?) birthday to me

July 2, 2012 by 3 Comments

I turned 42 today.

Half of my life ago and on the evening before my birthday, I attempted to keep up with friends who were buying me too many shots for my 21st birthday. I promptly proceeded to vomit an entire box of raviolis into the bushes outside of the bar where we were celebrating.

Today, I go to work and have a series of planning meetings for the company. I go out to dinner with a friend and co-worker (and her husband, and her two small kids) who will soon be leaving the company and this city. I will miss her. Thank you Ro for making my birthday special.

And then I go home to an empty house, with the exception of a mailbox full of mail and a guinea-pig that we recently named (“Cocoa”). I threw in some laundry. I put on the lawn sprinkler. I watered my newly planted trees and berry bushes.

I did not hear from the kids today, nor was I expecting to. I will see them on Wednesday AM and will have them all day Wed, Thursday, and Friday until 6 PM.

What a difference 21 years makes.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

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June 28 and 29: Pop-pop and Emmy are here

June 29, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I didn’t post yesterday since it’s been REALLY busy the past two days.  My dad is here with his wife; I’m thankful for their visit, am psyched for them to see this new life, and excited about the kids and their experiences with Pop-pop and Emmy.   The kids have been talking about the visit and were so excited to see them.

Highlights:

Thursday

  • Waking up and caring for still nameless guinnea-pig
  • watching “Geek Squad” from Best Buy come back again to program the remote control (by the way – it is busted again and they will need to come out again)
  • Playing computer games on various iPads
  • Holding chickens
  • Making “fart” noises with the air pump hose
  • Making air-popped pop corn and trying to watch a movie with the tv/remote control (NOT)
  • Having my next door neighbor give us little shoots of corn-stalks to plant in our yard since she ran out of room
  • Running around at night before bedtime, through the yards and in parades and laughing and having to take breaks for breath and running running running and laughing laughing laughing with all of the siblings.  Too much fun.  This is the kind of activity that I remembered as a kid.   I just sat on the rocking chair watching their fun

 

Friday:

  • Cleaned out still nameless guinnea pig cage
  • Red held another chicken and proceeded to chase chickens around the property trying to hold them some more
  • Fed nameless guinnea pig an apple slice
  • Went to Target and had the kids in two different shopping carts; went shopping for house stuff as well as stuff for the kids; Red had a one-on-one shopping experience with Emmy where she was able to pick out HER OWN shirts and pants.  She never really had this experience before and has always had hand-me-downs; I am grateful for Emmy for giving her this experience; she gave us a fashion show when we got home.  Got “crocs” for all kids to help with the outdoor action and mulch migration into the house
  • Relaxed at home the rest of the day; played Legos
  • Took the kids back to co-parent’s.  Red informed me that we did not have enough time today together.  I felt guilty.  I mentioned the coloring that we did, but she reminded me that was Yesterday, and not today….
  • Went out to dinner with my dad and Marsha.   It was great.  I am tipsy.  I enjoyed the meal, converation, and the dessert.  I will be 42 on Monday!!!!!

I am feeling reasonably good; I feel even better about the decisions I made with this house.  It was the right thing to do given the circumstances.  It is the right thing for our family.   I am ready for this upcoming birthday and feeling reasonably OK with where I am in life now despite the friction around me.

Have a great weekend all –

– Mama K

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June 27: Different kinds of Love

June 27, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Wednesday!   I get to see the kids today!

1/2 day of work.   I banged out a lot of things – getting meetings organized, reaching out for “testimonials” to help bolster some sales materials, planning meetings for next week.   I worked from home so also got the wash done, got the trash bins organized, and did some general straightening up for my guests who flew in today – my dad and his wife – aka Pop-Pop and Emmy!

After work I hit the road and stopped at Home Depot to return some things.  $75 back in my pocket!  Yeah!   Also picked up some things at the old house and dropped off some borrowed things at a neighbor’s house.  Then picked up the kids!

Highlights:

  • Attended a “sea” puppet and dance show with Big Bro and Red.  Both were excited to see me.  Red sat on my lap.  Big Bro wanted to fill me in on all the funny things that I missed during the first half of the show.   They both were really enjoying themselves.  I was happy to be there with them and stayed with them until the show was over.  We were in no rush.
  • Picked up Twin Crazy and Twin Husky next.  Twin Husky’s first words to me were “Me missed you Mommy”.  OMG my heart melted and I could not stop hugging them and making a HUGE fuss over seeing them.  They were excited to come with me and knew that Pop-Pop and Emmy were coming today.  We all talked about that on the way home.
  • New plates arrived for the kids – helping with portions of fruits/veggies, breads/grains, and meats.   They ate like crazy tonight and really got into their new plates.
  • There was bonding time with the still-nameless guinnea pig.
  • We picked weeds while waiting for Pop-Pop and Emmy.   We filled up a wheelbarrel and then fed the chickens.

 

  • The kids were pysched to great our visitors and show them their rooms.   Everyone was acting very silly and then it was time for  bed.   Kids were great.
  • Tonight Red asked me if I loved everyone in the family.  I said yes that I loved Nana, Pop-pop, Emmy, …..  She said “Noooooo” and seemed frustrated.  She meant co-parent.  I told her that was a difficult question and explained to her that there are different kinds of “love”.  How the love she has for her blanket is different than that for her friends at school than that for her guinnea pig and that for Mommy or Daddy.  I said it was the same for me.  I love chocolate ice-cream, but the way I love each of the kids is different.  It FEELS different to me.  Like her different kinds of love must feel different to her.  There are different kinds of love.  I did not answer her question head on since that would be un-nessessary.  But I did want to hear her.  I did want to answser her someway.    She is trying to understand and I am just grateful that she feels comfortable enough to ask me those kinds of questions.   I want to keep them talking.  Keep them questioning.  Keep them engaged.

I’m so glad that my family is here.  I’m so glad that this house is full.   Full in many different ways.   Just like there’s different kinds of love.

Til tomorrow –

– Mama K

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June 22: Beer and a bagel

June 22, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Looking at the date I just realized that my grandmother would have turned 92 on this day if she were still alive. Sorry mom for not calling. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Friday and my day off –

Highlights of the Morning:

  • I woke up to Red and Twin Crazy and then also Twin Husky jumping in my bed. They wanted to play with the guinea pig so I got her and we were all in my bed. Then Big Bro came in too and I had all kids plus a guinea pig in my bed. That’s the most action its gotten in quite some time.
  • We watered house-plants since it was too cold to go outside and water plants. Big Bro likes having that “job”.
  • The kids then continued with guinea pig time and I actually had to use the timer function on my phone to have equal rotations. That worked well to avoid conflict.
  • We all got dressed and headed out to drop off Big Bro and Red. Once we got there Big Bro realized he had a splinter in his foot so we were all in the lobby as I was working on his foot. It was a hard one to pull out because it broke and there was just a tiny, tiny piece to grab onto. Eventually I got it. Whew.
  • The ride home was uneventful. Not much traffic. We talked about trucks. I also had a conference call for work that I took with my earbuds in.
  • I did some laundry and Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were enthralled with the new machine that you can see through.
  • They wanted to visit the chickens
  • Afterwards I made some lunch and they took naps – I did some work and then also weeded. I attacked the green dandelions that are beginning to flower….

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    The Rest of the Day:

  • After they woke up we all gathered our things and headed to the car. On the way out I stopped to get my mail and the VENUS FLYTRAP that I ordered from Amazon arrived. COOL! I was excited to show Big Bro and Red.
  • Not much traffic, whew.
  • They thought the plant was cool. Big Bro knew exactly what it was as I was opening it. He guessed it. I said it was something that we were just talking about the other day and he guessed it in one shot – VENUS FLYTRAPPER. How cute.
  • I dropped them off at co-parent’s and he started a fight with me in front of them.
  • The ride home was fine; maybe I’m just getting used to it.
  • I attacked some weeds in the backyard. I have a part of the yard that is downward sloping and I thought it would be fun to make it a garden… with traverse walking stones – the space is really un-usable since there is such as slope so I figured a garden would be the best thing. I first pulled out all of the green weeds for the chickens, and then hatcheted the all of the nasty brown tall flowing weeds. In the end it looked like I butchered a part of the yard. It looks terrible. I have to do something about that.
  • I came in, showered, and had a bagel and a beer. I watered the lawn and I’m now going to put together my composting bin. Again, I am a person of extremes. Prior to this I could barely keep a houseplant alive and now I’m sowing the earth and wanting to compost for fertilizer.

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    I’m going to sleep well tonight.

    The kids will be back with me tomorrow at 4 PM. I’m looking forward to getting some things done in the AM and then seeing them later that day.

    Have a great weekend all –
    – Mama K (farmer)

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    June 21: On the road, again

    June 21, 2012 by 2 Comments

    Thursday not working! Unfortunately I spent most of the day driving.

    Highlights of the morning:

  • The girls woke up first and we sat together in the living room reading books, and then sitting with the guinea pig, still nameless. Red was holding her as Twin Crazy tried to feed her.
  • The girls wanted an activity and wanted to color. I let them know the file cabinet drawer where all of their paper and crayons are. Red found a bag of small colored squares that looked interesting and pulled them out…. she started sorting them by color and Twin Crazy started to help her.
  • They then went on with their coloring activity.
  • Out came Twin Husky with his hair sticking up. He immediately went over to the guinea pig’s cage to say good morning.
  • The three ate cereal like champs. Out came Big Bro half dressed. He wanted to spend time with the guinea pig too.
  • We headed out the door – I’ve been instructed to take Big Bro and Red to daycare even on my days off (don’t get me started….). So off we go…. slowly…. in traffic. By the time we got there it was 10:10 AM and I didn’t know that Big Bro had a field trip (Karate) starting at 10:00 AM. I wish I knew that so that I would have been there earlier. Red’s drop off was fine.
  • Me and Twin Crazy and Twin Husky headed back to my place. We got stuck in traffic again on the way back. Twin Crazy was crying and wanted out of her car seat. We started to sing Old McDonald’s Farm which seemed to work for a bit.

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    Highlights of the Afternoon:

  • The kids found beads and sunglasses and we had fun dressing up. We read books. We cuddled on the couch. I couldn’t believe it was time for lunch. I made burrito ingredients and had fun watching the kids build their own burritos. They ate really well.
  • We all napped.
  • As soon as we got up I shoved some cookies in their faces and we headed to the car. I saw that a flower was blooming off of one of my shrubs that I thought was dead.
  • Our first half of the trip was smoothe sailing but I shuddered looking at the other side, backed up with traffic ALL THE WAY towards the city. On our second highway we got stuck in traffic. This did NOT make Twin Crazy happy. We talked about the diggers, the graffiti, the trucks…. and sang some more.
  • It was great to see Red and Big Bro. Apparently Big Bro hit a homerun this afternoon. I love hearing that about my big little man.

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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I decided to pull over and get some food for the way back, knowing that we would be stuck in traffic. I grabbed grapes and mango juice, and some more tortillas. The snack of grapes and juice disappeared in less than 10 minutes. These kids can EAT. The ride back was much better since all four of them were there and there was much more conversation. We talked about the trains, how I take that train to work, the motorcycles, the clouds, … … …
  • We played with the guinea pig as soon as we got back.
  • I then started to make dinner. As I was cooking I overheard Big Bro teaching Red addition and subtraction. He asked her to do it with her fingers. She was answering his questions correctly. I applauded them for learning together and working together. I love hearing the kids teach each other things. We all have things to learn from each other.
  • We ate dinner and afterwards I went outside to weed. I asked the kids to come outside to play. Big Bro did his “job” of watering the strawberry plants and the trees. Twin Husky wanted to “help” me weed so he had his weeding tool and pushed around the weeds that I gathered. We then collected the green weeds and brought them over to the chickens. That was a BIG hit. The kids loved bringing over the weeds and feeding the chickens. I had kids going back and forth and giving them green icky weeds and they loved it. Big Bro then got into weeding himself, and said that he wanted to do more of this on Sunday. He is way too funny.
  • Twin Crazy pooped her pants so that was a good segue for coming inside.
  • I got the kids ready and read to the girls first on the couch. They were VERY serious about not letting the boys in their room. So of course the boys joined forces and acted silly with each other running in and out of their room. It is really sweet to see them interact with each other now – They are 4 years apart but really starting to interact.
  • I read to the boys next; and then the girls again in their own room. Twin Crazy repeats EVERYTHING that Red says. If Red is too hot, Twin Crazy is too hot. If Red wants water, Twin Crazy wants water. If Red has an itch, Twin Crazy has an itch. Again, so sweet. My little parrot.

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    All kids are asleep now and I hear guinea pig rustling around every now and then. I’m not sure what to do about tomorrow. I have to drop them off at co-parent’s at 6 PM but will have little time with them. I’d like to spend time with them in the AM, drop off Red and Big Bro, and then maybe stay in that area and go to a library or beach or something. Someplace where we can grab a snooze. Then pick up Big Bro and Red and do something. Maybe a museum or the zoo. I just don’t want to spend the whole day driving on the highway and also missing out on my kids. Anything to avoid having to take these toddlers on four trips on two separate highways, in traffic each way. I’ll figure something out tomorrow and will likely pack up the car with extra clothes, food, etc. It will be an adventure.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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    June 20: Loss of my Virgin Mouth

    June 20, 2012 by 3 Comments

    I like Wednesdays. I get to work from home for 1/2 day:

    Highlights of My Morning:

  • I woke up early and started my day at 8 AM. I started with an instant coffee while booting up my computer.
  • I have a brand new printer/fax/scanner/copier. I love it. It is soooooooooooo fast. And small. I faxed out Big Bro’s report card to co-parent and felt productive already. Then I had issues with the fax – the report said it didn’t send. It took me awhile to figure out I had to actually switch the phone line to the fax machine to get it to work. DUH.
  • I had a second instant coffee and checked email. Nothing major to respond to.
  • I followed up with some invoices.
  • I updated our sales pipeline for one of our forums.
  • I took a break and decided to walk to the back of my property. There are some trees back there that are turning orange. I am a bit concerned about them and I wanted to see where they were on the property lines. Then the fun started. I have a fence in the back that is completely pulled down – and a well-established trail, I believe from the deer (that ate the leaves off of my new fruit trees). The strange thing is that there is about 6 feet of “no man’s land” between my torn down fence and the fence from my back neighbor… and these trees are actually part of this no-man’s land. It is kindof cool back there…. it reminded me of the trails I used to walk and explore as a kid. But it scared me to think of my kids back here. There were big holes – not sure what from or what kinds of critters. And strange forts. Plus lots of debris. I have a lot of work to do. First, I need to figure out if these trees are mine – where does my property line end? Then I must do something about these trees – depending on if they are mine or not – regardless, their limbs have to come down and out of my space. Lastly, I will need to get a proper fence put up. It won’t take long to contain Twin Husky or Big Bro from this mess. I just see more $$$ coming out and I don’t know where it will come from. I decided to go back to work to earn some money.
  • I don’t really remember what else I did – I talked to my mom for a bit and I had a conference call to discuss a pricing strategy for one of our forums. We need to rethink pricing to get more members in – non-profits, start-ups, and smaller organizations. It is valuable to have them part of the forum but the price tag is a barrier to get them in. So we’re experimenting a bit to see if we can get some over the line. I have a number of sales calls coming up so am glad we came to conclusions on this.

    • I ate lunch. Got dressed. Headed out the door.

    Highlights of the Afternoon:

  • I headed into the city for a dentist appointment. You may not believe this, but I have all of my teeth – all wisdom teeth – and have NEVER had a cavity…. until NOW. I couldn’t believe it. I thought there was something funky going on in there. For years Dentists raved about my “virgin” mouth… all teeth in, and absolutely no work done on any of them. I prided myself in my cavity-free mouth. BUT ALAS NO MORE!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!! A cavity. My mouth is no longer a virgin.
  • I headed in to pick up the kids. On my way I stopped at a grocery store to pick up some things. I shopped frugally and focused on sales. I got 3 containers of raspberries, buy 1 get 2 free. YEAH!
  • I picked up Twin Crazy and Twin Husky. Daycare said that they kept talking about the big couch and big TV at Mommy’s house. Too funny. My couch is so small and the TV is tiny compared to our other one. It’s funny to me what they choose to talk about.
  • We picked up Red and Big Bro at Red’s school. It was great to see her. I asked how she was doing (fine…, whew). She ran in my arms and I couldn’t get enough of her. She seemed older to me. Very much a little girl. She had a pony-tail in from her teacher and I think that is what made her look different to me.
  • I was careful with Big Bro when I saw him. Fist pump. I caught him playing with Twin Husky. They are so cute together now.
  • We headed to PetCo to get a new guinea pig. Our other one officially had ringworm (poor thing) so we picked out another. This one is chocolate-brown and a female. She is so sweet. She is actually quite social and does not immediately hide. Maybe the other one did because he felt sick. Poor guy. I hope I don’t get too many questions about where he is now. Twin Crazy was concerned that a Chicken would hurt the guinea pig when we got home. I assured her that this would not happen since it would be safe in a cage.
  • We drove back and I had fun throwing Vanilla wafers back to Red and Big Bro during the ride back. I would hear little “got it”s the whole way back. It was fun; we talked about the commuter train and the radio and I even caught Twin Crazy dancing a bit in her car seat.

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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • We got back home and disinfected the guinea pig cage. We all worked together; the kids were so cute doing this. Big Bro was holding the guinea pig as he was cleaning the cage. Such a little man.
  • We played ball and also a wheelbarrel of water.
  • We ate dinner. And lots of fruit afterwards. Strawberries, pears, blueberries, and one of the packages of raspberries.
  • We played with more water. I weeded.
  • I knew when it was time to come in – Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were pooped. I read to each of them and put Twin Husky down first. He had no problem laying in his bed with his Tigers. He asked me to rub his back. Then our whispers “I….. love….. you”.
  • I worked with Twin Crazy next, while Big Bro and Red were playing with the guinnea pig.
  • I thought everyone was brushed and down for the count when the girls just started acting silly. Pee pee, water, itchy vaginas. Everything that Red would say, Twin Crazy would say too. It is so sweet how they are sisters and so close in age. Also a bit frightening. Twin Crazy tried not to smile to me as she was repeating everything from Red. Too cute.
  • I showered which gave the girls time to actually go to sleep.

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    I’m sitting here now on my “big” couch listening to the crickets and enjoying a cool breeze. It’s fun to have the kids here again. And also a new little creature that really is so cute. Red wants to name her Isabelle – but that is the name of the birthday-girl neighbor from across the street so I don’t think that would be a proper name. We’ll have to work on that.

    I’m feeling reasonably good. Tired. Thinking about the yard. It would have been good to get out there a bit before it was dark but the girls were just to amped up. Maybe I’ll have some ice-cream instead. Screw it. I already have a cavity – my mouth is no longer a virgin so I guess just bring those cavities on!

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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    June 18 (late): A botched routine

    June 19, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    I am writing this actually on Tuesday – last night I sat down after the day was over and wound up passing out on my couch – woke up at midnight and went to bed – so here I am, on public transportation, recapping from yesterday –

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • Woke up early; I had the kids with me today; this would be my first commute into the city from my new house and ALSO having to drop off the kids. So I wanted to start the day early.
  • I put on the shower but there was no hot water… no hot water… still no hot water. Hmmm. I investigated the hot water heater outside and the machine was foreign to me. I started to read the directions but most were covered up from the restraining bars to keep it in place. I figured out how to see if the pilotlight was lit. The problem was that the window was at a strange angle. So I used an eyeshadow compact and placed the compact strategically to see the window. Yes, the pilot light was out. OK. I can do this. I followed directions to light the pilot light. Again, and again, and again. Hmmm. This is a problem. I’m not sure if my new washingmachine from yesterday blew out my hot water heater. OK. Let’s move on. I just won’t shower today and will worry about this later.
  • I got ready for work sans shower. Red greeted me in my room with a HUGE smile on her face. Then in walked Twin Crazy, with her hair all over the place and a HUGE hidden smile on her face. I suggested we sit on the couch together, under the fuzzy blanket. We sat there cuddled up. And then Twin Husky walked slowly into the living room, long hair sticking up, smiling as he put his thumb in his mouth with this Tiger. He came up on the couch with us. I had 3 of the kids cuddled up on the couch with me just sitting there holding and cuddling each other. And me with no shower. So much for starting early and getting out early.
  • We said “good morning” to the Chicken who greeted us at our back sliding door.
  • I fed the 3 kids and got them dressed. Big Bro appeared fully dressed by himself and I got him some breakfast. I instructed all to get their shoes on and they were so good getting to the door and getting ready. Also getting all of their stuff together (backpacks, important toys). Red was wearing Twin Husky’s sneakers since co-parent forgot her shoes during drop-off. She was OK with that.
  • We got into the van, I had my coffee, and I also brought some breakfast bars and dry cereal for the kids for the long ride just in case. They were great. We talked about the cars. We saw an Egret and talked about that.
  • I dropped off Twin Crazy and Twin Husky with no problems. I said I would see them on Wednesday. They left AOK and I was AOK too.
  • I then dropped off Big Bro and Red at daycare. It is Big Bro’s first day at “camp” at Red’s daycare. He saw a friend so I am thankful that he at least knows someone. He wanted to drop off Red first. We dropped her off, hung up her bag. Her daycare teachers are so great and know the situation. I said that Daddy would pick her up today and Tuesday, and that I would see her on Wednesday. She had pursed lips like she was holding in a smile or other emotion. Her teacher was great. We also talked about if she ever needs to talk to me there are phones and the teacher said there are phones at school so if she wants to talk to me they can just give me a call. I left and her face was still squinched up but there were no tears.
  • I dropped of Big Bro with his friend, and they were playing dinosaur legos. I gave him a fist-pump (no hugs) and asked him to have fun and that I would see him on Wednesday. He seemed fine.
  • I got into the van, drove to the public transportation. Took the train into work. I was a bit late but that was OK.

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    Highlights of my working day:

  • I changed the date for one of the forums
  • I organized sales tracking info for one of the forums
  • I reviewed output from a recent client project as a takeaway for the primary interviews and potential business development
  • I talked for a long time with a colleague that is leaving the firm. She is such a good friend to me and I will miss her.
  • I left at 4:45 PM to get to a doctor’s appointment. It was a hard session for me. There are things happening with this divorce that seem so out of line. And there is nothing that I can do but just sit back and accept it, and go through the process, which is difficult for me to do.

    • Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I got home and tried to tinker with the pilot light of my water heater. I eventually gave up and went across the street to a neighbor who is a general contractor. He was not there but his wife was. I thanked her again for the birthday party they had for their daughter. We were there all day yesterday and it was great to feel so welcomed and at ease with them and their friends. He was at work but stopped by my house later.
  • We looked at the hot water heater and believe it or not, that little window was burning bright orange! My attempts to light the pilot light actually worked!!! I laughed and he was fine with the inconvenience. I think he is great.
  • I ate some cookies for dinner and drank water. I folded some clothes. I sat on the couch and PASSED OUT. I woke up at midnight and that was the end of my day.

    • So now I’m commuting on Tuesday AM and am actually enjoying myself. This is a nice ride. Very different from a subway in New York City. I had no problem with parking this morning ($1) and I have my frequent-transit card so am feeling like a real commuter. I will be at work earlier than normal today so am feeling good so far.

    Have a great day everyone –
    – Mama K

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    June 14 & 15: Settling in

    June 15, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    June 14:

    Thursday.  Big day.  Child custody evaluation, which was strange.  Outside of that, the day consisted of me with the kids but an evening alone, after dropping them off at co-parent’s house.

    Highlights:

    • We woke up to a chicken at our back door.  I think it was looking for breakfast.  There is no way we are going to start giving away food to this chicken.  I have enough mouths to feed.
    • Custody evaluation… strange.   I was myself.  What more can I do?
    • Afterwards, Twin Crazy and Twin Husky napped.  Big Bro and Red were exploring and creating art with sidewalk chalk and water.   They REALLY got into this activity.
    • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky woke up from their naps and explored the water and “sidewalk chalk soup”.
    • The kids from next door came over and it was fun watching them play; then the chicken came over which added more life to the party.
    • I drove the kids back to their dad’s.  It was a long ride.   Twin Crazy hates her car seat.  Big Bro and Red both fell asleep on the ride.
    • I felt exhausted on the ride home.  I made myself dinner.  A grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a beer.  I sat on my front “porch” on my rocking chair.  I tried to relax.   I felt better after filling my belly.   I decided to start my evening watering routine and then started to pull out some weeds.  It felt good to pull them out.   I discovered I have crab-grass.  Lots of it.  It is tough and takes a long time to really get at it by the root.  I decided to get my gardening tools out and gloves and proceeded to attack my ground of the crab-grass.   It took so long just to cover one little plot.  So I decided to boost my esteem by weeding some of the easier weeds.  That made me feel a bit better.   I wound up weeding until the sun went down.   My neighbors (with the chickens) also garden at night so I kindof felt good with the company, hearing them talk on the other side of the fence.   I weeded until my hands were raw.  I filled an entire wheelbarrel of weeds.  Digging into the earth.   Pulling each one out with the root.   I can’t believe how many weeds I have and how this feels like a never-ending project.   But I don’t mind it….. yet.
    • I showered and had the best sleep ever.

    June 15:

    Friday.   My day off.  But I didn’t have the kids today.  Today was co-parent’s Child Custody evaluation.  I decided to work a bit to keep my mind off of the divorce and also to get some real work done since this entire week was consumed by personal things.   It was difficult for me to work.   I did, but accomplished just a tiny bit.   The ADT security guy came and now my house is secure.  That feels good and it also felt good to have some company in the house while he was working.   After he left I tried to work more, talked to my mom and dad; I felt a bit down so took a nap.

    Afterwards I grabbed a snack and decided I needed to get out of the house and also accomplish something that needed to get done for the house.  I headed to Best Buy to set up Geek Squad installation of my TV and sound-system.  They will come on Sunday.   I don’t watch a lot of TV but am excited about getting it set up.  If everything is hooked up properly (which is why I outsourced it to Geeks), I will be able to hook up my iPod, iPhone, etc. and get my music through the system/surround sound too.  The TV is also Internet-enabled so I will be able to explore Pandora.  This is all new to me.  I’m excited about getting into music again.  It makes a big difference.

    So, I headed home feeling good.  I drove through the neighborhood and felt happy.   I ate dinner – another ham and cheese sandwich and a beer.   I told myself that I wouldn’t weed because my hand still hurts but I did anyway.  I talked to my chicken neighbors and asked about my wild raspberry plants.   I learned that the chickens love to eat weeds and I feed them.   I’m looking forward to introducing the kids to this new routine.   They will love the idea of picking weeds and then feeding the chickens.  I think Twin Crazy will actually explode with excitement.

    Afterwards I showered and decided to work on my Internet, and also my printer/fax/copier/scanner.   I realized I need a power surge strip.  I have too many cords.  That will be on my list for tomorrow, after the washer and dryer gets delivered and installed.

    My home is coming together.  I’m getting to know the neighbors more.  I enjoy the evenings outside and the warm air.  I don’t mind the weeding (for now).   I’m looking forward to tomorrow to get more of the house together, run some errands, and be reunited with the kids.   For some reason co-parent has a “work” event on Sunday so I will have the kids then.  On Father’s Day.   I hope Big Bro and Red are not upset about this.  I think they are too young but sometimes they surprise me.  

    Have a great weekend –

    – Mama K

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    June 12: My last night

    June 12, 2012 by 4 Comments

    Chocolate Tuesday.  My last one at this house.  After this week, I will officially be living in my new home.   And my kids will need to deal with this divorce in a different way than they have experienced in the past.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I woke up on the couch, again.  I woke up and showered quickly.  I was going to be working from home today due to divorce-related meetings so there was no need to get dressed in work attire. 
    • Twin Crazy was excited about wearing tights.  So I helped her in them and helped her pick a dress.  She picked a halter-top number with butterflies and she looked ADORABLE.
    • The rest of the kids were in great moods as well because of Chocolate Tuesday.  My last……
    • Big Bro had to wear a white shirt for school today for special outside events so I found a “shark” shirt.  Twin Crazy was at first extremely scared of it (and we talked about those feelings) but then she had a change of heart and decided that she loved the shark and wanted to give it kisses.   She proceeded to get chocolate Nutella all over Big Bro’s shark shirt.
    • Drop offs were fine; I dropped off Red and she was in a reasonably good mood, but very clingy.

     

     

     

     

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    • I got in the car and loaded up more things and headed out to my house.  I needed to be there for a furniture delivery.   So I was busy cleaning up the floors and also getting my trash ready for trash night.  
    • In the meantime, I hooked up my modem so that I could get Internet access and be wireless.  No problems so far!
    • Macy’s came and gave me the red carpet treatment.  Then one of the chickens came by and the delivery guys (and me) were laughing.  I guess the Chicken does not see red carpets too often and was curious as to what was going on.
    • The living room furniture looks great; after the delivery I just sat there for a few moments and relaxed.  I mean REALLY relaxed.  I strangely felt at peace, despite how my life was being torn and the events that I needed to get ready for this week.   The house is coming together.  And it feels comfortable.  It feels good.   I feel good in it.
    • I quickly had to get ready to leave for an appointment related to the beginning of our Child Custody evaluation.  I can’t believe we are going through this – but we couldn’t agree with anything while we were married, why would I think that we would be able to agree to anything now.   It is terrible that 3rd parties are deciding on what is best for our family.   How can me and co-parent think so differently??!?!?!?!
    • On my way to my appointment I called the office and told them I’m just going to take the day off.  I got NOTHING done but a few emails – I can’t claim that I did any real work today.   The same will go for tomorrow.
    • The meeting was emotionally exhausting.  The same rehashing of events and feelings of lost dreams and disappointment.  
    • I got back to pick up the Twins; co-parent picked up Big Bro and Red.

     

     

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • I cleaned up the last of my room while co-parent cooked dinner.  I had a lot of time with Twin Crazy, who was helping me sort through stuff to keep vs. stuff to throw away.  She seemed very needy tonight.  It must have been hard for her to see me packing up in this way.
    • I vacuumed up the room and the kids helped.
    • We ate pizza outside.  We ate cherries.  Twin Crazy sat on my lap the entire time.
    • Red sat on my lap next.   Both of my girls are needy tonight.
    • I played “wall ball” with Big Bro.  He had me cracking up with all of the lingo and terminology to this game.  I really had a good time and I’m glad he kept asking me to play with him.
    • We went inside and co-parent was watching TV with Big Bro and the Twins as I was packing up some things with Red.    Then there was an issue with the remote control and Twin Crazy accidently turned off the show that Big Bro was watching.  Big Bro of course had a tantrum and threw himself on the floor.  This scared Twin Crazy who came running over to me.
    • I drew some firetrucks with Red and Big Bro.
    • Upstairs, it was my night with Red and Big Bro.  Big Bro read us a book.  I talked with them about it being my last night here.  Big Bro cheered, saying that for now on we will get to spend more time at my house.   Red looked at me and said that she likes my house but does not like that it is far away.  My heart sank.  I can’t take too much more emotion right now.  She asked why did I pick that house even though its far away?   I picked it because of the schools.   To give my kids the opportunity to go to the best public schools in this area (and because of affordability, but I didn’t get into that with her).    I told her that her brain and the rest of the kids’ brains deserve the very best schools and they will be able to get them with that house.   Big Bro was an optimist and said that it just feels like the house is farther away than it really is because you have to get on a highway.  But the cars go fast so it really isn’t that long of a trip.   Ugggh.  My heart breaks again.

     

     

     

    So I kissed them goodnight and told them that I really enjoyed my last night with them in this house.  I then went to see Twin Crazy and Twin Husky and whispered my normal “I….. love….. you.     Sweet dreams.  Bye-bye.”  

    I went downstairs and headed to a neighbor’s house to close out the evening.  We talked about kids in general (they also have four) and laughed.   I enjoyed myself and will miss them.   But I already know they will be visiting and I have so many ideas of things to do with the eight kids… most of them involving weeds.   J

    I’ll be honest – I am so disappointed at how things have turned out for me and my family.  We moved into this house temporarily and I had such high hopes – I really felt like we were moving in the right direction as a family.   I was so hopeful.  And excited for our future.    I spent my marriage putting my family first above my own needs – and did this for so long that I eventually broke.  I have found much better balance now and am happier in a much different way; but this happiness has come with many trade-offs.   A significantly reduced standard of living.  The loss of a marriage and partnership.  The strain on the children, now and in the future.   And a future that is unknown.    But, all futures are unknown.   I am trying to do my best with the cards that have been dealt to me.   And I am hoping that things will work out for my family and that the children will be taken care of and given what they need. 

    I have another big day tomorrow and a bigger day on Thursday.   I’m going to hunker down now on the couch and finish this last day.   I’m feeling down and terribly disappointed; I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel stronger.

    Til tomorrow –

    –          Mama K

    Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

    June 11: Running towards the end or the beginning?

    June 11, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    A sunny Monday, after a great weekend and extra days with my mother at my new house.   The day so far has been good.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I woke up on the couch.  All of my bedroom has been moved over to my new house.  So the couch was my bed.  I showered the night before so woke up at 7 AM and got ready in record time.
    • Twin Husky and Twin Crazy were still sleeping when I got to their room.  Butts in the air – I love that position of toddlers/young kids.
    • Red and Big Bro were likewise still slumbering.  Big Bro was completely hidden under his covers except for his one leg and foot.  Red was bundled up and her face reminded me of when she was a baby… all scrunched up and lips pouting.
    • Twins woke up in great moods; I wish I could say the same about Red.   Co-parent started to take her things downstairs but she was thrown into a fit over something.  I tried to calm her but it took awhile.  I saw her baby on her bed and I think the issue was that her “stuff” was not taken downstairs as a collective package.  Once I grabbed her baby and her blanket, she calmed down, and took my hand to go downstairs.  She has become quite a handful.  She has always had trouble using her words when she is angry – and now at four years old her tantrums are becoming fierce.
    • She sulked downstairs over her chair, her clothes, her EVERYTHING.
    • The rest of the kids ate well; Twin Husky and Twin Crazy wanted to be held.
    • I packed up Twin clothes for daycare and got the rest of the kids things by the door.
    • Big Bro was getting ready for his last day as “leader” of the Motley Crew bike ride – this is his last week of school.
    • After everyone left, I was with Red, alone.  She happily got changed, happily went over to her seat, and happily ate her cereal.   She needs to be handled very carefully these days.  Her drop off was fine – she was clingy, but went to her teacher.

    The ferry ride to the city was fine; it was sunny and I was talking with a neighbor.  My work is not that busy right now so I am not feeling stress on that front.  There are things for me to do but none are time-critical right now.  But that can be a problem sometimes.  I need to set my own deadlines when work gets like this – otherwise I get lazy and nothing gets done.

    This is my last week living in this house.  The last week of Big Bro’s school.  The last week of our dysfunctional family lives as we currently know it.

    Highlights of My Working Day:

    • It felt good to be in the office.  I missed some important meetings last week on my days off so I got caught up with a colleague.
    • I ramped up planning for one of the forums:   sent out “Save the Date” emails to the members, and also started the outreach for speakers for that meeting in Fall.   I also asked my admin to schedule a planning meeting with a subset of members for planning purposes – I already have the agenda set so am hoping to get this meeting complete soon so I can get things accomplished.
    • I started to think through sales efforts for the above forum.
    • We need to change the date for another forum I am working on.  It is a big conference week in the location we are looking at so the original dates will not work.  I need to make sure that our proposed revised date does not have any conflicts before reaching out to our members…
    • I had a fantastic lunch and enjoyed walking outside in the warm weather
    • I spent time going through admin items – clearing out emails and also going through some personal items.

    I am on the ferry now and it is bittersweet.  One of my last times in the afternoon picking up all the kids.   My time here is ending and I hoped to be moving on with my husband.   I wish things could have worked differently but they did not.  I was hoping to experience this transition with him – honestly I was.   So now I face this week by myself.  And my children are in the middle.  And I wish it could have been different.

    I feel happier, but lonelier, and also wondering if things will be OK for the kids.  I feel the need for positive reinforcement.   I know they will be better for me – anything will be better compared to 2011.   I recently read a quote “sometimes things have to fall apart for better things to come together.”  I am hoping that is the case for me and my family.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • Pickups were great.  Red ran into me and grabbed my leg like there was no tomorrow.  Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were jumping up and down as my van pulled up.  They were jumping with such gusto that I laughed out loud.  Twin Husky needed to run off extra energy before getting into the van.  Big Bro was happy to get his bike but wanted it loaded into the van.
    • Red was crying because of a hurt finger.  Once she got a band-aid on it she was fine.
    • Red and Big Bro were lobbying for boxed mac-n-cheese.  I said “no way”.   Twin Crazy found two boxes hidden behind our rocking chair later that night.
    • I started dinner and threw in some laundry.   The kids were playing.  I then read Twin Crazy a book.  She asked me to read it again and again.  I think I went four times until the dinner was ready.
    • We ate.  I did more laundry.  I started to pack up some of the kids’ toys for my house.
    • I was with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky tonight.  Big Bro was upset.  He said he wished that he could switch back and forth between being himself and Twin Husky that way I could read to him every night.  I told him that I love him no matter what though.  He said he knew that.  I said “seriously” while looking into his eyes.  I need for him to know that he is loved no matter where I am and no matter where he is.  He knows this.

     

    So I’m now sitting in an empty bedroom, listening to my laundry spin.  I’m packing up some last items.   I’m getting ready for a drive to my house first thing in the AM to accept a furniture delivery and also get my TV installed.  I bet I won’t be able to get any work done so I think I should just take the day off.   I will try to get Internet installed tomorrow AM (by myself – they sent me a kit) so that hopefully I can try to be a bit productive.  If I can’t get anything done I will just take off.

    I’m feeling good, I think.  The transition is finally happening this week.  I spent 5 ½ months living in the same house as co-parent while going through a divorce process.  While listening to my children cry at night.  While standing by and forcing myself to stay out of his parenting.   While trying to work with 3rd parties but not being heard; while fighting financial aspects (much less important to me) and also child custody aspects – the latter ripping my heart out in the process.   I’ve come to accept a lot through this time; things that I took for granted I’ve had to fight for and be rejected.  I’ve even fought with my own lawyers.    But again – things sometimes have to fall apart for better things to come together.   I can only keep thinking that as I finally move from this house.   As things get better for me it will get tougher for my kids – I know this.   But the most important thing, I believe, is that they FEEL loved and that I know I can give to them.

    Til tomorrow –

    –          Mama K

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