divorce – Mama In Motion™

May 22: Day from HELL

May 23, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

But the day started off so great….

Chocolate Tuesday! Kids woke up fast, got dressed fast, and as a result had plenty of time to play before we dropped them off at daycare.

Highlights of the Morning:

I walked into Twin Husky and Twin Crazy’s room – Twin Husky was already standing and smiling and pointing to me, making faces, and acting silly. Twin Crazy was still getting up but happy because of chocolate tuesday. She kept squealing “Chocolate Tuesday! Chocolate Tuesday!” and was anxious to get downstairs. I changed her into clothes since her PJs were a bit damp from pee. She was so cute, rejecting the options I was giving to her and she requested a dress. One was too small but we tried another that she loved. I can’t believe the difference between our two girls. Red is such a tom-boy and Twin Crazy loves dresses and tights. So cute.

Red woke up in a great mood and was quick to pick out her clothes. She wanted to get dressed upstairs by herself but she wanted me to wait by the stairs for her.

Big Bro was already dressed and headed downstairs. He offered to take Twin Crazy down with him since she was anxious to go downstairs and did not want to wait for Red to get ready. He is such an amazing big brother.

I got downstairs with Red and Big Bro was in her seat. I immediately saw this so asked if we could scoot him around so that Red could sit in her spot. He was agreeable to this.

Twin Husky was investigating the new cereals that I bought last night. I think they passed his taste-test.

I made Big Bro’s lunch and am trying to diversify what he gets. He always gets the same thing which I don’t agree with. We need to offer him more choices so he can become more flexible.

Red sat on my lap so I could help her with her socks and then Twin Crazy sat on HER lap. I was laughing about the “girl sandwich” and the kids were having fun too.

All kids were dressed, cleaned up, vitamins done, and ready to go QUICKLY. Big Bro was playing with Legos, playing games with their faces and their helmets, and doing experiments to see if his fingers were the same size as the Lego figurines. Twin Crazy was playing with a toy computer and she said she was doing her “work”.

I have a lot on my mind today. Things at work: getting sales efforts underway for a new initiative that went well, and also firming up dates and getting planning started for two of our established forums – meetings will occur in October and I want to start the planning up front as well as solicit/ sell to new members. If I bring in sales it increases my value at the company and makes this “hybrid” position more secure/stable. I need to focus on sales to keep myself valuable.

I also have a lot on my mind with this divorce. I am striving on making positive changes for the family however co-parent is hiding behind excuses to slow down the decisioning process – this will not be good for the kids or us. There are also things happening on the financial front that are appalling and that I just won’t get into. True colors come out during divorce I suppose and I feel like my moving on and away from him is becoming easier and easier as each day goes by.

Highlights of my Working Day:

I started right away. I had a conference call to debrief our potential partner on the outcomes of our initial sales call for a potential forum we are trying to launch. Working with them is painful – they are adding NO value and I want to protect our firm’s potential revenues from this initiative. As of yet, we can go at this on our own – we intend to follow up with the potential clients one-on-one and organize a face-to-face meeting in the Fall. If our partners do not contribute to this, I want to proceed without them.

I put some work on the back-burner for another forum we are trying to launch. I think it is a longer sales cycle and am not happy nor do I trust the partner we are working with.

I sent out a “final” letter to close out a project we recently completed. Yeah!

I spent time on admin, and also working through files and information related to the divorce.

This divorce process is so unbelievably frustrating. Working with mediators are supposed to CLARIFY things so that there are no areas for potential dispute. I feel like we are going in circles and we are re-hashing significant details around our temporary summer custody schedule… which is to begin in 3 weeks. Why are we spending this money????? I’ve been trying to get clarity on a number of items and there still is no clarity. So am I to get lawyers involved at double the cost? Are you kidding me??!??!?!?!

I am on the ferry now headed home. I’m looking forward to seeing the kids and talking about their days. I’m looking forward to tomorrow, working from home, where I can walk with Big Bro to school – and maybe also take Red and Twin Crazy and Twin Husky. Then drop the rest off via car. This kind of time with them is limited for me now so I want to take advantage of these days while I can.

I also want to drive to my house tonight. To take the trash to the curb and also get some things done. I know it sounds silly. I can just text my neighbor to pull my cans out. But I feel the need to be there. I can take the time to take over some more of my things – clothes, my desk, office chair. Check my mail. Maybe I’ll take the older kids. They would love that.

Dinner and Bedtime:

As I picked up the kids I received an extremely disturbing email message from our child custody mediator, who essentially is putting stability of daycare over and above time with me over the summer. I can’t believe this is happening. If a mother is willing and able to care for her children over the summer for some days during the week, isn’t that the better option than putting them in daycare? How can consistency of friends in daycare trump time spent with Mom in the midst of divorce? I just don’t understand. I just don’t understand. Help me to understand.

Needless to say, I was pre-occupied this evening. I played with the kids before our dinner arrived. I ate pizza and then I drove out to my house to water my lawn (yes, it is already brown), pick up my mail, take the trash to the curb, and lug in BIG dresser boxes and a new TV. Big Bro and Red were with me and they helped with the lawn and the plants.

It’s almost 1 AM and I’m typing, after going through mountains of papers for this god-awful divorce. This is the worst experience ever. I cannot believe the amount of money we are pissing away and I cannot believe the outcomes that I have seen thus far. I am walking away from this marriage with virtually NO assets, except for the house that I scraped up to purchase, which will probably have a lien on it from my lawyer. That is what is going to wind up happening. This is the most irrational thing that has ever happened to me in my life. There are too many parties involved and no-one who has a full picture of the situation. It is crazy – absolutely crazy. Time and energy that I could be spending to help my children cope with this mess is being drained by papers and irrational conclusions. And in the end it will be the kids that will suffer. I need to shield them from this and put on a happy face tomorrow. I can’t wait to get out of this house.

On that note I will call it a night – I know tomorrow will be just as bad if not worse. I better take some Advil tonight to prepare.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: child custody, divorce, new house, parenting, working mom, working mother

May 21: What a difference 7 years makes

May 21, 2012 by Mama K 2 Comments

Monday… a first day of the work-week after an AMAZING weekend with the kids at my new house. And May 21. The anniversary of my marriage that is currently being dissolved…

Highlights of the Morning:

Twin Crazy went nuts when she saw me. Hugs and slaps on the back. “Mommy!!! Mommy!!! Mommy!!!!”. She kept slapping away and dancing and jumping in my arms. How sweet.

Twin Husky pointed on his head for me to kiss him. I remember him pointing and touching Red’s chair with his foot – like he was teasing her but not really. When I asked him to do it some more so I could take a picture, he gave me a dirty look. Too cute. Then he started making faces at me – puckering up his lips and acting silly. We were all laughing.

Red woke up cranky – likely due to two days with no naps. We are short on her favorite breakfast foods so that was also a problem today. I need to go food shopping.

The kids tried Rice Krispies (my favorite cereal – I love it on top of ice-cream) and they were interested in the snap crackle pop but not that interested in the actual cereal.

Big Bro was EXCELLENT. He got changed, ate breakfast, and was ready to ride with the Motley Crew.

Twin Crazy became very cranky since she was never changed out of her diaper this morning… it was all wet and I took it off and then she ran away from me with her pajamas and underwear down by her knees… walking around naked and laughing.

I helped Big Bro with his shoes, and Red with her clothes.

I dropped off Red and let them know that she missed her naps this weekend so might be tired. I also let them know that she saw Mommy’s house and the CHICKENS so they could have something to talk about.

I sat on the ferry and talked with a neighbor the whole way. Talked about the weekend, his BBQ, his kids, my house, the kids’ reactions to the house. The fact that I would love to see him and his family come out for a visit. They are my only real connection in my current neighborhood and I will miss them. They’ve really done a lot for me over the past year and I appreciate them so much.

Highlights of my Working Day:

As soon as I walked in, I was hit with a client deliverable that needed to be reviewed first thing in the AM for delivery to the client ASAP. I spent about 2 hours on it and we sent it off by noon.

I grabbed an amazing won-ton and noodle soup. It was freezing today.

I crafted a letter to close out a separate project. I’ll be glad when both of these client projects are over.

I did a lot of administrative items – also mapping out what I need to do with my “real” job now that my client work is finally [almost] over.

I had to leave a bit early to catch my doctor appointment tonight. Time went by so fast… I was talking about so much. There is a lot for me to talk about and I really don’t have anyone out here to talk to – it’s amazing how my mutual friends have just gone silent – they are keeping their distance. I have few friends out here from my past and they are supportive. I talk to my family daily but they get so frustrated at the situation and they are a bit behind the acceptance curve that I am on. I have already accepted so much and they are not quite there with me yet. This whole process is so unbelievably frustrating and such a waste of time/money. And it does NO good for the families or the children involved. I hate the way this divorce is going and I would have done things so differently if possible.

Dinner and Bedtime:
My ferry is coming in now, it is 8 PM. I am going to go straight to Trader Joe’s to pick up food for the kids. I will likely miss the kids tonight since the older ones are REALLY wiped out. I have a lot of work to do tonight related to the divorce. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! HA. What a joke.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

p.s., I bought bags of breakfast stuff at Trader Joes. That will likely be my last trip at Trader Joes for food at this house. Co-parent will have to do it from here on out while they are his house.

The older kids were still awake when I got home. I got lots of hugs and Red sat on my lap. Both wanted me to spend time with them and scratch their backs. Big Bro told me that I smelled bad. Was it the fish tacos with onions? I asked him if it was my breath or my body. He didn’t know. I asked if I should brush my teeth or take a shower. He said “both”. Great.

The twins were also talking in their rooms so I said hello to them. Twin Husky was lifting his arms to hug me. Twin Crazy was standing up swinging her head from side to side. I asked them if they wanted me to sing and they of course said Yes. I got them out of their cribs and they each sat in my lap, one head to each of my shoulders. I said I would sing “Twinkle Twinkle” three times and then it was back to their cribs. I rocked and sang with them and enjoyed my brief time with them. They are so good. They went off to their cribs with smiles. “I…… love….. you…..” in whispers. Sweet dreams my babies.

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: divorce, home, parenting, shopping, Trader Joe's, working mom, working mother

Staying Sane: Get them to pitch in and help

May 20, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

As you all know the work never really ends for busy working moms. If you are like me, you may have a tough time just sitting down to relax since there is always something to do. This post is not focused on the relaxing that we owe ourselves – rather, it is enabling, allowing, and encouraging our children to take a part and an active role in the duties that they can handle to help out with the workload to run the house.

The kids are now 6, 4, and 2. The 2 year olds think they are helping but of course they add to the work… however Red, who is 4, can actually be very helpful – particularly with her younger brother and sister. She is also extremely willing and eager to help – and is very consistent with her eagerness. Big Bro, now 6 years old, is willing to help but in bursts. The trick with him is to embrace those times when he is hit with one of those bursts and let him ride with it. They all love to “help” cook. They [sometimes] set the table. They work together to clean up toys [most of the time]. I am excited about their growing into older stages and ages to take on more responsibility. To pitch it and be part of a family that all works together in the upkeep of the house and home.

Over the weekend I introduced Big Bro and Red to the new house. There are a lot of things that I want to write about this weekend. It was wonderful. However I want to focus my thoughts on the topic of this post – having the kids help out. Since it was the weekend I met many of the neighbors. Our next door neighbors have two children – an 8-year old girl and a 6-year old boy (only 3 weeks older than Big Bro!!). I really like them, and more importantly, their mother whom is also from the East Coast (Rochester NY). Both she and her daughter described how she starts the laundry, does the folding, cleans up from dinner, etc. etc….. I sat there in awe. Yes, I love these ages where the kids are so young like little rosebuds with their personalities developing and opening — where you learn more about them as each day passes. However, there is something incredible about the thought of these kids actually DOING more and taking [a bit of] the workload off of me. I also love the idea of teaching the children that families work together and the sense of responsibility and pride it can instill in children.

I had the great fortune of introducing the children to our new home this weekend. I wanted them to love it as much as I do… but I didn’t want to rush them. I needed them to wander, explore, and take it in. I wanted them to grow to feel comfortable there. Most importantly, I wanted them to be feel like it was their space too. Through the divorce we are teaching the kids about “two homes” and that they will have daddy’s house to spend time with daddy, and mommy’s house to spend time with mommy. And this was their first time all together to experience this new home. I am teaching them that this is OUR house. Not just Mommy’s house. This house belongs to ALL of us… and that we will work together to make this house a HOME. I’m teaching them that I bought this house for them and for us and our family. And we need to work together as a family to take care of this house. The kids were excited. And they really exceeded any and all of my expectations. They laughed, met the neighbors, made new friends, explored, and yes… they even helped out in their own way:

Big Bro unpacking the weedwacker

Big Bro and Red coming with me to Home Depot to pick out citrus trees, fruit bushes, and other random things

Twin Husky raking up the mulch onto the sidewalk [OK, this was added work for me, but he looked so determined to rake and to “help”]

Red handling the strawberry plants and then also picking out the spots where to plant them

Big Bro working the wheel-barrel and helping clear the weeds for some planting

Big Bro and Red helping to rake a path from our back top deck to the other neighbor’s house with the chickens

Twin Husky watering the planted strawberry bushes

Twin Crazy watering the patio

Big Bro sweeping, sweeping, sweeping and using the dustpan to clean off the entire back porch and driveway

All kids picking up their toys without hesitation when asked

I am so happy with how this weekend turned out. It could have been hard and stressful, but it really was an amazing experience. The kids took everything in stride and went above and beyond where I thought they would go.

This sense of pride in the house and home is something that I will continue to communicate to the children. And also the need to work together as a family. Big Bro was not with me in the afternoon today and he asked me NOT to do any sweeping. So, I’ve got my first “duty” lined up for him on an ongoing basis. I will see what Red would like to “own” as her area of responsibility over time. And of course I will give in to whatever Twin Crazy and Twin Husky gravitate towards in terms of “work”. Our time together in this house will unfold and we will get into our groove that will change and evolve over time. But I am happy to have this home for them and I have worked so hard to get it. It will be natural for me to show the children the importance of this home and teach them to appreciate this house and encourage them each to do their part to help out.

How do you Mamas get your kids involved with household and family responsibilities??? What has worked well to get them engaged and consistent?

Have a great week everybody –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Staying Sane Tagged With: chores, divorce, helping out, home, parenting, responsibility, working mom, working mother

May 16: The chair

May 16, 2012 by Mama K 1 Comment

I worked a 1/2 day and from home today. I then spent an hour or so at my NEW home and made it back in enough time to pick all of the kids up early. I was solo tonight and looking forward to spending this time with them.

Highlights of the Morning:

The Twins were ready to stroller to Big Bro’s school. We talked about grass-seed and new grass growing as we were waiting for the other kids to get ready. Big Bro was in the pack and enjoying his new bike. I went in to talk to his teacher and tell her about our discussion from last weekend about “Two Homes”. She looked upset/concerned. She was glad that I told her. I said there were no tears but lots of questions so he really doesn’t “get it” yet. I let her know that we were going to take the kids to see the house this weekend and that it might start to sink in more then. She said she would be on the lookout for any issues. She said that he mentioned two houses this week so I know it is on his mind.

I dropped the Twins off at their daycare and both looked good. Even Twin Crazy. They both have a routine where they take off their shoes in a certain spot. I helped Twin Husky unzipper his jacket [sortof] by himself. I walked back home with the empty stroller feeling a bit empty myself.

As soon as I got home I loaded up the van with as many boxes as I could fit. I need to get to the house today since I have a TON of stuff arriving and don’t want the things sitting outside for too many days.

My doorbell rang and it was my neighbor with an AWESOME wooden rocking chair that she wanted to get rid of. I was completely looking for something like this — I’ve always loved front porches — the kinds in the south that are sweeping around the houses… well, my front porch is REALLY small but I do have flat yard that runs along the front. And in the afternoon, the shade kind of hits the house in a way that it feels like there is a front porch. So I put the rocking chair right out front in the mulch. It may look silly to some, but I love it. It is completely overlooking the view of the front yard – and I imagine myself sitting there while the kids are playing in the front. I hope we spend time out there – it makes the house inviting to the neighbors and helps me to transform the house into a home.

Highlights of My Working Day:

I had a conference call with a previous client to “really” close out the work this time.

I started to re-work the discussion document from our big meeting yesterday — adding in some content and highlighting things that were discussed on the call.

I had an internal call related to the forums that I help to manage. We have a lot of sales efforts going on through these forums that I feel good about. We have some work to do but all is manageable. I took the call on the road and also had some of the call as I was unpacking the shipping boxes from Amazon.

Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

I pulled up to the house and OMG there are WEEDS EVERYWHERE. The multiple terraces of mulch are now over-run by weeds. OMG. How long is it going to take me to pull these suckers? And how fast will they grow back? Will it be like plucking those pesky hairs from my chin, face, and eyebrows? A never-ending project? Will I need to go to Amazon now and find a wide brimmed hat, super heavy-duty gloves, and a wheelbarrel????????

I unpacked lots of shipping boxes: one bunkbed (in parts), 4 mattresses, 4 barstools, a Blue-Ray DVR plus sound system, a landline telephone system. I’m excited. I filled up my NEW recycling bin. Pickup days are Wednesdays so I just missed it!!!

I unpacked some moving boxes with some pictures – I put them up but unfortunately they are only of Big Bro and Red… and they are old. They were all packed up from when we moved to our “temporary” house two years ago. So I feel the need to get some pictures up of Twin Husky and Twin Crazy so that they can see themselves too when they first visit the house.

I disassembled the bunk bed box in my driveway and brought the bed inside in parts. Otherwise I never would have been able to drag the whole box inside. I thought of Big Bro as I was carrying in the pieces labeled “A”, “M”, etc. I thought it’s just like a Lego set. I wonder if he would be interested in helping me put the beds together….

I decided to start on a bar-stool project. I opened up a box to discover that you don’t need any “real” tools…. its the hand tool/wrench thing that it comes with so I had what I needed to get started. Assembling these will be easy. It’s important for me to have SOMETHING ready and set up for the kids when they see the house for the first time. I figured the four bar stools would be a good thing for them to see… to relate to. I made it through 1/2 way of my first stool when I received a phone call…

Twin Crazy still had a fever and was upset. She needed me. I quickly locked up the house and headed straight for daycare. I held her for a bit and she calmed down immediately. She said she was sick in a meek voice. Twin Husky looked fine. I took them to the drug store to buy more Ibuprophen and Tylenol. I asked them if they wanted to go right home or get the rest of the kids. They wanted their siblings. So we picked up Red and Big Bro too.

It was like a chinese fire-drill with everyone in different seats. It was cute. I looked back and Twin Crazy was holding hands across the van with Big Bro. I love seeing things like this. Big Bro and Red used to do this several years ago when Red was a baby/toddler. I’ve always thought it amazingly cute. Big Bro is such a proud Big brother and although he does have his occasions of being mean, he really is good to them the majority of the time.

At home we played a bit. I was waiting to cook dinner for co-parent. Then the kids told me that he was leaving for the airport straight from work. So I started the dinner. There was a request for mac-n-cheese, chicken nuggets, and carrots. I obliged since Twin Crazy seemed interested in that. Big Bro and Red helped me make dinner. They all ate EXTREMELY well – even Twin Crazy, considering.

After dinner I played “wall ball” with Big Bro while the 3 others were upstairs playing quietly. Suddenly, they came downstairs and apparently they were playing “dress up” — the twins were in matching frilly dresses (pink and blue) and Red came down laughing her ass off. They were all loving the attention and Twin Husky was SERIOUSLY liking the dress. It did feel great. Not crinkly/itchy at all. It felt soft and frilly. He loved it.

Then the little ones played some games together while I sat with Big Bro watching a movie.

I started bed routine with the Twins. They love the book “The Hairy Toe”. Each knows the words. They were both reciting the book to me as I read it. I make it scary which they love. I tried to get them down but they did not want to go to bed earlier than Big Bro/Red. So we had some ups and downs and at one point I had two twins in my lap, Big Bro laying across my feet, and Red taking care of Twin Crazy as I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle”. The Twins wanted “more” singing and the bigger kids wanted me to STOP singing (I don’t blame them). Red put her hand over my mouth and I was over-garbling the words on purpose and they were all cracking up. Then I had 4 kids with hands on my mouth and they were all smiles. They eventually went to their beds. They are now all sleeping and there is no crying from upstairs at all.

I had a good night. I’m looking forward to my own space but am concerned about the kids and am hoping this weekend goes well. I’m hoping they will grow to be comfortable there even though it is new to them. I’m going to try my best to make it their space too and help them integrate into the neighborhood.

We were talking tonight about Red joining us on our bike-ride to school tomorrow. I asked Big Bro first if he thought it was OK and if he would want her to join. He said yes. So I asked her about it and she’s excited. I’m looking forward to the morning with them.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: divorce, flex time, half-time, house, move, parenting, rocking chair, sick, twins, working from home, working mom, working mother

May 15: Feeling run down

May 15, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

Big day. Big deliverable. From here on out I am decompressing from work. But, stress levels will be getting higher on the personal front…

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

Chocolate Tuesday! Kids were waking up saying Chocolate Tuesday. They are completely driven by routine.

Twin Husky wanted to spread the Nutella on his bread ALL BY HIMSELF!!!! He was angry when he wasn’t given a chance and then all smiles when he was handed the knife. Twin Crazy, of course, wanted to do hers by herself too when she saw her brother being so independent.

Red wanted her “mommy time” helping her get dressed. I helped her with her necklace too.

Big Bro was dressed without a problem – even changed the underwear and socks without a fight. He was out on his trip with the Motley Crew without skipping a beat.

Twin Crazy was still sick – but eating this morning. We dropped her off with medicine. Poor Twin Husky never had a diaper change this morning…. when I picked him up out of his car-seat he was sopping wet. He was also packed up in the car without his Tiger – when he called out for it co-parent drove away anyway without going in for it and poor Twin Husky cried most of the way there.

Drop off with Red went fine – again, she had all of her “stuff” with her and was only happy when everything was hanging on her hook instead of having things on the floor.

The ferry ride was fine; it is sunny and nice out today. I talked with a neighbor and did not think much about work.

Highlights of My Working Day:

We had a conference call with our client about our revised Executive Summary; there were some small suggestions but they loved it and we are on the right track. Our team is finishing up the document today and I will take it from there. I want to have it at the client by Friday so I will likely work on it tomorrow and possibly in the evenings this week.

We then met with our partners to get ready for the BIG sales meeting today related to the initiative we are trying to launch. I had six potential clients on the phone and we have another 4-5 in the sales pipeline. The call went well and I think we might actually launch this thing which would be great for me. I don’t like working with partners. These folks have not added much value AT ALL and sweep in at the end… you also have to think about their motivations for being involved and at this point I don’t feel like we need them to pull this off. We have some things we need to do to sell this further – I can handle all of it and we are shooting for a “commitment” by early Fall which I think is doable. That will be my next big push.

I spent time doing admin items and getting ready for my day tomorrow – I will be working from home so I needed to make sure I had everything I need to make my 1/2 day productive.

I’m now on the ferry and I’m not sure how I feel. I feel bad for the kids. That’s what it comes down to. This sucks for them. I don’t know if being so young will help them or hurt them in the long run. But I need to be there for them. I need to be strong for them even though I don’t feel strong for myself most of the time. I am looking forward to having my own space but again, I don’t feel as excited as I could be. I feel like I’m accomplishing something for the family but it is so damn hard fighting uphill battles all of the time. I wish we could just focus on the kids. If that was the driving principle we wouldn’t be fighting so hard in different directions. That is the most frustrating thing for me. Dealing with other people’s “wants” instead of focusing on our childrens’ “needs”.

I’m looking forward to seeing them. Holding them. And I’m looking forward to tomorrow and strolling with the Twins while Big Bro rides his bike – that’s what he wrote in his Mother’s Day gift to me – that he likes it when I walk with him on his way to school. Those days are limited for me and him going forward so I’m looking forward to tomorrow and spending that time with him and soaking it in.

Dinner and Bedtime:

I picked up Red and she was all smiles. Laughing about how much stuff we had to take home of hers (“bag lady”).

I picked up the Twins and didn’t like what I heard. First of all, the first words out of Twin Husky’s mouth was “Tiger” and he ran to the van to get home. The daycare provider said he was missing it all day long. Second, Twin Crazy is still sick. High fever, no appetite, and puked this morning. She seemed happy and fine when I picked her up but I am concerned. If she is still bad tomorrow I will take her to the doctor.

Pick up for Big Bro was smooth; he rode his bike home and I followed him until we hit a windy spot – he decided to stop so we threw his bike into the trunk and drove home.

At home I was cooking dinner AND THE KIDS WERE SO WELL BEHAVED!!!! Big Bro was upstairs in his room playing quietly and doing Legos. Twin Husky was busy with his Tiger and playing in the play kitchen and pretending to fix things. The girls were busy being sisters, sitter together and “reading” books. Twin Crazy was having fun wearing my shoes.

We had a pancake dinner and the kids ate well, except for Twin Crazy. She sat in my lap and had a banana and lots of water.

Afterwards we watched some T.V. and talked about the movie. Red put lots of clips in her hair by herself and she actually looked gorgeous. She wants to do the same by herself for tomorrow at school.

I put the Twins to bed tonight; gave them both medicine. Twin Crazy was playing with stickers while on the potty, but putting them on the wall. She took them off when I asked her to do so. Then both Twins were feeling REALLY good and acting silly. They were rolling around in Big Bro’s bed for awhile and I let them enjoy themselves before whisking them off to their room. They went down OK, but wanted me to hold them and sing to them a bit before going to bed. That was unusual. I had both of them in my lap, hugging them, their heads on my shoulders, and I was singing “Twinkle Twinkle”. They kept saying “more” so I sang several times and then said “last time” and sang one time more. They both got up and went to their cribs. So easy.

I was greeted by Big Bro and Red while in with the Twins. I brought them into their rooms and said goodnight. I was reading in my room and was visited again by them. Co-parent brought them upstairs and all is quiet now.

I’m so tired. Just wiped out. I’m glad I hit the 15th in terms of work and its finally over. All of my big deliverables. I should be busy but more consistent at work going forward; just when the stress of the divorce picks up. I still can’t believe what is happening and the extent to which we cannot agree on anything. It is so exhausting and counterproductive. I need my energy for the kids.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: client meetings, divorce, parenting, stomach bug, working mom, working mother

May 14: Balls, bubbles, and bellyaches

May 14, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

Monday – all kids up and out and it’s to work in the city for me.

Highlights of My Morning and Commute:

Red and Big Bro both found clothes they liked since all laundry was done and in their rooms with all of their favorites.
Red was having trouble finding a “house” that came with a pajamas gift for her over the weekend. She likes to carry around her things in this box, along with all of the other bags of her favorites. Twin Husky over-heard this and he remembered where the box was. He took us to my room and there it was! I praised him and made a big deal about how he helped Red to find what she was looking for and how great that was. How much of a good brother he was and how he must love his sister. He was smiling from ear to ear. I said how it must feel good to help someone and how wonderful it was and how happy Red was. He was jumping up and down and smiling at this point. He even reached out and gave Red a hug.
Twin Husky was walking around and playing with a “light saver” toy of Big Bro’s (actually, he found it somewhere and I need to figure out where so we can return it). Twin Husky was so cute swinging the thing around and acting like a big boy.
Big Bro had a splinter in his foot this morning so I spent some time tweezing it out. It was a small sucker but he (Big Bro) put up a fight.
Twin Crazy was VERY clingy this morning. She was also asking for a lot of water. I felt her head and she felt slightly feverish. Poor thing. I hope its not too bad. I packed some medicine for her with the rest of their daycare things.
Big Bro headed out with the Motley Crew – he is the leader of the pack today.
I dropped Red off and was making fun of her and all of her stuff…. backpacks, knapsacks, a purse, the pajama box, her hat, a jacket…. she looks like a bag lady.

The ferry ride in was fine; I talked most of the way with a neighbor.

Highlights of My Working Day:

I organized the conferencing capability for our sales call tomorrow. We will be using a WebEx service and I needed to get familiar with it. I made changes to the discussion document and sent it out to the internal team for review. I made some changes to it after talking with my Director. I also talked with our partner on it as well so I think we’re in good shape. I hope this turns into something – I would love to have this initiative launched and attached to my name.
I also reworked the Executive Summary for the client deliverable from last week and sent to our client. The deliverable itself needs work and I will be the one that has to do it, I have a feeling. I’ll wait on that for tomorrow AM and Wednesday.

I’m on the ferry now and it is really nice outside. I’m looking forward to getting the kids. I need to see them and hug them. I need some reassurance today.

Over the weekend we talked to the kids about “two homes” and there were no tears – I think that will be to come. They understand the concept of two different houses with time with daddy and time with mommy. Later on on Saturday night I talked to them about it again and told them that I went through it when I was a kid and it felt scary and new; that they can always talk with me and if they have any questions. Red wanted to know what would happen if my house breaks when I am there alone. She also wanted to know what would I do if I am alone. “I will think of you kids and I will miss you. But I will know that I’ll see you again real soon.” Big Bro wanted to know if there are kids there and if they are nice. They liked the idea of the chickens. They wanted to see pictures of the house so I showed them. They asked if I could keep our existing house and have co-parent go to the other house. They wanted to get new Legos for the new house. We will visit it next weekend and it will get harder once the separation actually happens. I was soooooooooooo scared for this first talk but it went easier than expected. Probably because the kids don’t understand. I asked if they were sad and they didn’t know. I asked them if they were more like confused, and they said yes. So they are confused, do not know what is happening. Big Bro is upset that I won’t be with him riding bikes to school anymore. But that would happen anyway since there will be a change for the summer. He doesn’t understand that either. I guess I just have to take this slowly with them.

Dinner and Bedtime:

I picked up Red with her tons of stuff. We were joking about all of her things on the way to the car.
We picked up the Twins and yes, Twin Crazy was very sick today. 103.5 fever! The daycare provider only has the twins so she gave her medicine and put cold towels on her to bring the fever down – she also has a stomach issue with bad poops all day long. I knew the little girl was not right this morning. She was sooooo clingy – drinking lots of water and had a slight temperature. I didn’t think it would be THAT bad though.
I picked up Big Bro and followed him home as he rode his bike. While we were waiting for him to arrive on his bike I looked back and Twin Crazy had on a pair of Mr. Potato Head eyeglasses on, but upside-down and on her forehead. She cracks me up.
At home, I made dinner while the kids played outside. Balls and bubbles. Twin Crazy was playing which was good.
After dinner we played with Legos, read books. Big Bro and Twin Husky were playing ball together which I LOVED watching. I helped Big Bro find the Lego pieces he needed. Twin Husky was busy kicking balls and throwing toys over the dollhouse.
Twin Crazy tried to eat some Jello but was not that interested in it.
Bedtime with Red and Big Bro was fine. They are both quiet up there now and I think are drifting off to sleep. Red had her pile of stuff all over the floor of her bed.

I am very, very tired. I hope Twin Crazy is OK tonight. I’ll likely wake up to check on her because of the high fever she had today.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: bags, balls, client presentations, divorce, Legos, parenting, working mom, working mother

May 11: Lunch with the Twins and Teatime with Red

May 11, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

I was not working today and looking forward to some time with the twins. I asked Red if she wanted to stay home with us but she really wanted to go to school for the “mothers tea” they were having. She wanted us to go there. So, I had the day with the twins and some tea with my daughter later that afternoon…

Highlights of the Day:

Big Bro was really the only one with a tight schedule and he woke up the latest. It was a fast morning for him – dressed, eat, out.

Everyone else was pretty happy with the slow schedule. They liked the play time and also the chance to do more things by themselves, like getting dressed. It was hard getting out the door though. Between potty, diaper change, finding things/toys, packing up snacks, etc. the time would go by and then somebody needed something else.

I did some laundry which also held us back a bit.

I held us up too… I couldn’t find my phone. Although I knew it was somewhere near the living room because I could hear the emails coming through. I couldn’t call the phone since our home phone was not charged.

We dropped Red off and said we would see her later for tea.

I took the kids on a trip to my lawyer’s office. I had to sign some paperwork but I also had them set up with work. I talked to them beforehand about mommy needing to do some work and if it was OK if they did work too at the same time. So they knew that they were there to color and draw. They were perfect.

We went out to lunch afterwards which was nice. They had fun sitting next to each other and I actually enjoyed having only two with me when going out to eat. I was actually very relaxed. Maybe because I left the phone behind!!!

The twins fell asleep in the car on the way home; nap-time was disfunctional though afterwards since they got that catnap in.

I found my phone! It was hidden behind the rocker in the living room. Twin Husky was to blame.

We went to Red’ school and had some iced-tea, fruit, and poundcake. I was presented with a pot-holder with her handprint and a picture of a flower with her thumb-print petals. It really is sweet.

The kids played outside and then I had them play inside the open area at the daycare center since the three were having fun. I enjoyed watching them. My heart ached for them.

We got Big Bro next; he was VERY particular about hiding an art project from me. He asked me NOT to turn it over when he was getting his bike or riding home. When we got home he couldn’t save it any longer and presented it to me. It was a drawing of me with some of his commentary including: “I like to ride my bike to school with my mom” and “My mom is special to me because she is my only mom.” So, so sweet.

We played with Batman a bit and hung out in my room.

Big Bro suggested pancakes for dinner and I jumped on it. He asked if he could wipe down the table after dinner and I’m wondering if his teacher suggested the kids ask this or if he did it on his own… I’ll ask him tomorrow.

Afterwards was more drawing, and then Friday night movie night.

Bedtime was rough in that the Twins did NOT want to go to sleep. After doing their bedtime routine I took them out again to read with Big Bro and Red. All are sleeping now and Red actually went to sleep on her own, without me in the hallway – although she asked and I asked her to try to go to sleep on her own.

I’m wiped out. The kids were so wonderful with their mother’s day gifts and excited to show them to me. They are free-spirited and happy with each other. Tomorrow we need to sit down and talk with them about the divorce. And then their worlds will forever change.

Have a great Mother’s Day all –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: divorce, Mother's Day, parenting, tea, twins, working mom, working mother

May 9: The birth of a homeowner…

May 9, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

Fast morning! Since my day yesterday was so funky in terms of work, I am working from the office today so I had a normal routine with the kids and all of the drop-offs.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

I woke up and got ready, packed up Big Bro’s lunch before anyone else got up.

I went to get Twin Husky and Twin Crazy. “Mommy!!!!!!!” So cute. Twin Husky is so cuddly. He always wakes up so happy. I held him for a bit while sitting next to Twin Crazy’s crib – she takes a bit longer to wake up. She was then ready and we grabbed up all of her “stuff” (blankets, babies, stuffed animals). She had a dry diaper!!!! I’m so proud of her.

Red was awake and happy. But she rejected her clothes and requested that we see what was downstairs in the laundry room. I did a load of wash yesterday so there was plenty there for her to choose from.

Big Bro picked out a new short set outfit he received from Nana for his birthday. He looks awesome in it and he loves it. He looks like a full-fledged boy and I just can’t believe that he is 6 years old. So much has happened in my life and my relationships over these past 6 years.

Downstairs the Twins and Red all wanted cereal. They all ate well with no issues. I got Big Bro’s toast ready while dishing out vitamins to everyone.

Everyone was ready so quickly. We were doing great on time. There were no breakdowns with one exception – Red was asking for more “sunscreen” for school but I had a hard time understanding her. So that got her upset for a bit (but no tears). She did great and she tried again a few moments later, really trying hard and slow to say the word “sunscreen”. I understood her. She smiled. I said I would buy some today on my phone and it would get here tomorrow (thank you Amazon!!!)

I am now on the ferry thinking about what I need to do today. I have to debrief from the client meeting from yesterday and there will be more to do but not much. I also have to get our materials organized for our forum sales meeting next week. That will be top priority today. So I think today will actually be quite smooth. I feel much more relaxed, less under-the-gun. I may work on some personal items as well which need some focused thinking. I am closing on the house today but will likely not be able to pick up the keys until tomorrow. I’m looking forward to getting that set of keys in my hand!

Highlights of My Working Day:

I worked on survey materials to sent to participants of our sell meeting on 5/15 and worked with a consultant to get it loaded in our survey tool

I reviewed my notes from our client meeting yesterday and wrote up what our team needed to do, changes to make to the Final Deliverable, and areas of follow on work for the company.

I scheduled some prep meetings over the next several days

I worked on personal items today as well – I’ll likely book this as 1/2 day work.

I CLOSED AND RECORDED ON THE HOUSE TODAY!!!! I will go there tomorrow and pick up my keys, measure the rooms, and start to line up appliance purchases, a shed, and I also want to get a fence and handrails put in. Oh… .and furniture. For the kids, kitchen, and living room. And maybe a rocking bench for the front yard. Lots to buy. I’m excited.

So now I’m on the ferry and feeling giddy. I’m looking forward to being with the kids tonight and also seeing them with Batman. I feel better when co-parent is not around. I enjoy these times alone with the children. I can’t wait until I’m in my own space and I’m able to make it comfortable so that the kids feel like it is their space too. I want them to be part of this even though they will likely be crushed when we tell them what is happening. We are going to talk with them this Saturday morning about the divorce. And we will go on a road-trip to see the house the following weekend. This is the calm before the storm, but to be honest its been feeling pretty stormy already. But today is a ray of sunshine. I am happy. I am a homeowner. And I am working towards a better life for me and I’m hoping for the children as well.

Dinner and Bedtime:

I went to pick up Red first. I told the teachers and directors there about my home purchase and the fact that we are going to tell the children this Saturday. So to be there for Red if she is having a tough time next week. The Director broke out in tears. She doesn’t understand how anyone cannot put their children first. I can’t either.

I picked up the Twins next. They were both excited; Twin Husky sitting in Big Bro’s seat and Twin Crazy running over to a tricycle to show me how she can ride it.

I picked up Big Bro next. Everyone else wanted to come inside too. They found the cupcakes and had the birthday celebration today. The pan was put on top of the refrigerator – I still don’t understand how they got lost. oh well. I’ve been talking to Big Bro about it and how I’m sorry about it and how he must have been disappointed since he was expecting them. He doesn’t say much. I’m not sure if it’s because he doesn’t really care or if he just doesn’t like talking about it.

I ordered a pizza and then we headed home.

We played with Batman for a bit and even fed him a carrot. He LOVED it. Twin Husky held him and he was so cute looking down at Batman. So sweet. Twin Crazy was busy trying on my shoes. Each of the kids took a turn at holding him. The novelty of picking out the poops has already worn off for them.

I can’t believe it but Twin Husky had yet ANOTHER kitchen flooding incident. This was not as bad as the first two, but still….. I need to figure out how to disable the ice/water dispenser.

I was cleaning up downstairs a bit, waiting for the pizza to come when I realized that all of the kids were upstairs and it was WAY to quiet up there. So I went up, but they were all being good! They were all in Big Bro and Red’s room together. Big Bro was doing Legos, Twin Husky was laying on Big Bro’s bed, and Red and Twin Crazy were playing together. They were all so quiet. They were all so good! And they were all together! I loved it. So I sat with them for a bit and then heard the doorbell ring. Pizza was here.

All ate well. I asked “raise your hand if you want desert tonight” and the kids were all raising their hands. Twin Husky was raising both of his hands REAL high and shaking them back and forth which made me laugh.

We then had baths and a round of cupcakes.

I started Twins bedtime routine; they love the book “The Hairy Toe” and I read it so that it’s scary and then funny at the end. They love it. They went right to sleep, no problems.

I then sat with Big Bro and Red for a bit. Big Bro wanted me to help him find the Lego pieces as he was putting the set together. Red sat on my lap and we found the pieces for him. It was our quiet time together.

I showed Red the sunscreen that I ordered for her from Amazon. We then ordered bandaids for the kids since we are out. Again, I love Amazon.

I am now outside of their room finishing this up; I feel like I have so much on my mind. I’m worried about money. My cash flow situation is so scary these days. And there’s a lot going on with the divorce. I’m feeling strong again. I’m OK when he is not around – I get angry and strong. I’m looking forward to the house but also concerned for the children. I just want things to go as easy as they can for them. They are so happy now and it crushes me to know that it will end in just a few days. I’ve had a great week with them so far – they respond to me (except for Twin Husky and the water). Big Bro is a breeze. No whining or tantrums. It is just easier.

Tomorrow I will get my keys. Tomorrow I will walk the house and measure the rooms. And start to go online and shop for a refrigerator (probably with no water/ice dispenser) and washer / dryer. Then furniture — I think bar stools first since I can probably get away without the rest for the time being…. I also need to buy a mini-van. Again, cash flow is scary now. Somehow I’ll make it work out. I know I will.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: divorce, guinea pig, home, house, Legos, parenting, pet, working mom, working mother

May 8: Sometimes you try so hard and it just doesn’t matter

May 8, 2012 by Mama K Leave a Comment

It is the end of the day and I can’t even begin to explain the complexities of my day today. I was working, running, picking up messes, delivering client presentations, baking cupcakes, wiping butts, … …. …. and sometimes you work so hard and it just doesn’t matter.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

Chocolate Tuesday. Kids ate great; the morning was uneventful with the exception of some good bonding time between Red and Batman. Twins were in great moods and probably supercharged from the sugar.

Big Bro and Red both got dressed quickly and we were all out the door without a problem. Big Bro woke up to a Spiderman helium balloon that I tied to his bed the night before. I do that for each of the kids on the mornings of their birthdays.

However…. the Twins’ daycare provider could not take them today because of a funeral. And I STILL did not have back-up care lined up with the exception of a neighbor and I hated to impose like that… so I dropped Red off and came back with the Twins, hoping I could find the solution

I immediately looked for their immunization records which was needed by Red’s daycare to have them come in on a drop-in basis. Great news…. I found them no problem. Bad news… I left a message for them in the AM but they didn’t get back to me until 10 AM and by that point the festivities (tragedies) of the day were already in full swing…

We played with Batman for a bit. Twin Crazy had fun holding him.

Twin Husky showed me his “work” from the other day – a card that he was drawing on. I overheard the twins talking about it with each other and Twin Husky asking Twin Crazy to sit with him. They were so cute. I got them set up with paper and markers for “their work” so that I could begin my working day too….

Highlights of My Working Day:

I had one conference call at 9 AM which I was able to muddle through most of the time on mute. But there were still some Twin talk in the background so I’m sure I didn’t get away scot-free.

It was the call at 9:30 that was the serious problem. I mean, a HORRENDOUS problem. It was a team meeting for a joint sales presentation we are delivering next week. Essentially I am organizing it and I’m a bit stressed at the lack of participation from our business partner and also their lack of understanding of what we are trying to do. I am very protective now of the business development efforts we do and am hesitant to bring in partners, for concern over their own motivations and using our client relationships…. anyway…. i digress. At one point in the conversation the Twins really started to get crazy. And I was leading this call. There was no way to go on mute. So I simply went outside in the yard to finish the conversation. It was literally only 10 – 15 minutes of outside talk time. Having twins does not simply double the trouble. No way. Because they team up with each other. They work together to elevate the trouble to an entirely different level. Within the 10 – 15 minutes, they (one of them) brought their little chair over to the refrigerator, and began to empty the entire ice dispenser out all over the kitchen floor. Then, they (someone) started with the water spout from the refrigerator. Then, twin Husky started filling up water cups and when I came in he was in the process of dumping the entire cup all over Twin Crazy’s head. So of course that erupted into wails. I quickly walked outside to finish the call, albeit in shock. In two minutes I was back inside, waddling through a sea of ice-water in the kitchen and dealing with two wailing Twins who were freezing cold. It was at this point that Red’s daycare called me back and said they had room. I asked when can I bring them over and they said “as soon as you can so they can transition”. THANK YOU GOD.

I gathered their things and told them what was happening. They know Red’s school well – I bring them there all the time to either pick her up or drop her off. So they were excited that THEY were going to school. To play with friends. To play outside. To color. To sing. To read books. To eat. To go night-night. We packed up their blankets, Twin Crazy’s lovey, Twin Husky’s Tiger. Changes of clothes. The class was in the yard when we got there. We got to see Red. The Twins fell right into the outside routine with all of the kids. I was impressed. Twin Crazy just went off and explored and started to play with a tricycle. Twin Husky was investigating a play structure. Twin Crazy was smiling ear to ear. And then squealing with Red, who was looking over the fence with her friends. Twin Husky was clingy when it was time for me to go. I asked Twin Crazy if she was OK and if it was OK if I go while she played at school, and she said “yeah” without a problem. No tears from that one. It got me a bit down seeing them in that environment. I really don’t think the daycare where they are now is good for them at this stage in their development. They need to be with other kids besides themselves.

I ran home and had enough time to bake 24 cupcakes for Big Bro during his aftercare class. I was running short on time but I needed to do this for him since it was his birthday and he was expecting the cupcakes. I guess someone else would have been preparing for the client meeting – but I was focused on those cupcakes for my child. You only turn 6 once, and he is at an age where he remembers these things.

I got myself ready in record time – big client presentation for my client project

I dropped off the cupcakes but the aftercare door was locked. I went into the kitchen of the school and left them with someone with specific instructions about the aftercare building and Big Bro’s name. She said for me not to worry he would get them.

I hauled ass to my client meeting. Stopped at Trader Joe’s for a salad.

We had the meeting. It went well. I made the mistake of mentioning to my Director on the team that I might have to leave early. He rolled his eyes. After the meeting he mentioned that I seemed distracted. Hmmmm. Maybe a divorce underway? Home purchase? Children in a daycare center that is brand new to them? Me rushing all around this morning not even knowing if I was going to make it to the meeting? My kid’s birthday? Wondering if the cupcakes got to him OK? Thinking about the flood in my kitchen that happened not even 4 hours ago? Distracted? OF COURSE I’M DISTRACTED!!!!!!!!!!!! So it doesn’t matter that I bust ass to try to get this work done, even though I tell them that it is virtually impossible for me to do client projects….. I got there. I presented well. I was confident. I didn’t even look at the deck before presenting. These things just don’t bother me. I was there. I made it. But it didn’t matter. I was “distracted”.

Dinner and Bedtime:

I got home in enough time to change cars to the mini-van and also buy gas. Then went straight to daycare to pick up the Twins and Red. They were so cute sitting at the table having a snack. The teachers said they had a great time, no tears. They stayed close to each other most of the day. But they had fun. I loved seeing them there. They said goodbye to everyone on their way out.

We picked up Red and she was excited to see us.

We then picked up Big Bro. I asked him about the cupcakes. He said there weren’t any cupcakes. I asked the workers about the cupcakes. They said there weren’t any cupcakes. WHAT?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! You mean I bust my ass to get these here and there ARE NO CUPCAKES?????? It’s not even the wasted effort or the rushing that pissed me off… it was that I disappointed Big Bro. He was expecting cupcakes at aftercare. And we talked about it. And they didn’t get to him. I felt like a failure. I felt like I disappointed him. I was probably more disappointed than he was, but I still can’t believe it.

He rode his bike home. I asked him to think about what he wanted for dinner. He wanted mac-n-cheese (boxed kind) but with two additional pasta shapes added to it. I add real cheddar cheese to this. So he picked out the shapes.

As the water was starting to boil, we went in to cuddle with Batman. The kids are holding him and he is getting to know us. We were all there except for Twin Husky. Big Bro decided to go to the kitchen to start on the cheese mix and he ran back into the room saying “Mommy… something REALLY bad happened in the kitchen… you’re not going to like it……”. I was immediately worried about Twin Husky….

The floor was flooded AGAIN. Twin Husky was no-where to be found. Big Bro found him upstairs hiding in Big Bro’s bed.

Dinner went great; we all ate everything

3 saved cupcakes split between 4 kids along with ice-cream went great. We all sang happy birthday.

Presents went great – we received boxes from my mom and dad for Big Bro to open; Big Bro got some clothes and FOUR lego sets having to do with superheros.

After dinner Big Bro worked on Legos. Red held Batman. Twins were acting crazy.

I started on Twins bedtime routine and did lots of kissing with them and talking about school. They were both tired.

Downstairs I worked with Big Bro on the Lego sets and picked out the pieces for him as he followed the directions.

They are both drifting to sleep now as I type this outside of their rooms. I had a very busy, hectic, crazy extreme day. Lots of kid-time, but lots of disasters. Flooded kitchens, crazy conference calls, last-minute back up child care, a child’s birthday, missing cupcakes, and a Director that doesn’t understand what it is like to be a mother consultant of four small kids that is going through a divorce AND buying a house and thinking about cupcakes and what to do tonight to make her son’s birthday special. He just doesn’t get it. I was THERE at the meeting and in the end it doesn’t matter. I will hear about how I was distracted.

At least the kids were all happy today. At least Batman is beginning to trust our family. At least the closing on the house looks promising for tomorrow. And at least we are all breathing, and living, and with each other in this moment. And at least Big Bro had a great birthday, from what I can tell.

Til tomorrow –
– Mama K

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: birthday, client meeting, conference call, daycare, distraction, divorce, Legos, parenting, twins, working mom, working mother

May 4: Bawling with balloons

May 4, 2012 by Mama K 2 Comments

Today was a day that I should have been elated. My loan FINALLY was “cleared to close” and I was given the green light to put my downpayment in escrow; docs to sign early next week and closing on Wednesday! So now, I am so much closer to becoming a homeowner and providing for my family.

And the kids were ridiculously cute, as usual. Twin Husky and Big Bro stealing icing from the cupcakes, Twin Crazy with her boots, and Red. The almost-birthday-girl. She had a cute Cinqo de Mayo party at her school – we brought in cupcakes and she wore a little crown and her class sang to her. I was there to help her celebrate and her sly little smile was so cute my heart just melted.

But my heart was very, very heavy. Despite the small rays of good that are happening in my life right now.

Financial mediation in a divorce is not pleasant. I didn’t expect it to be pleasant. But I didn’t expect to be sucker-punched today. And I was, big time. I had no idea what was coming. Absolutely none. The ironic part about all of this is that I had/ have had tremendous anxiety WHILE married about our quality of life out here in California and how we weren’t making it even though we owned property…. and then came divorce… and then whatever safety net I THOUGHT I had was ripped away from me today. How can this happen? How can this happen me? I’m a mother to his FOUR children! I suffered a breakdown from working too hard to support OUR family! I’m trying and fighting to create an environment where our kids can have the BEST opportunities that they DESERVE!!! I just don’t understand. I don’t know how this is possible.

So I was bawling for most of the day. So much that the corners of my eyes are red and burning. So much that I was not elated when I was at the Title company handing over my check for a downpayment for a new home for my family. So much that my eyes were burning while I was smiling with my daughter at her birthday celebration. So much that I was crying again tonight while at the grocery store buying balloons for the birthday party for Big Bro and Red tomorrow. And now still crying as I finish this up. And the corners of my eyes are cracked and raw and painful.

How did this happen to me? How did I get here? When will it get better?
How could he do this to me?

Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: divorce, financial mediation, stress, working mom, working mother

May 22: Day from HELL

May 21: What a difference 7 years makes

Staying Sane: Get them to pitch in and help

May 16: The chair

May 15: Feeling run down

May 14: Balls, bubbles, and bellyaches

May 11: Lunch with the Twins and Teatime with Red

May 9: The birth of a homeowner…

May 8: Sometimes you try so hard and it just doesn’t matter

May 4: Bawling with balloons

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