June 12: My last night

June 12, 2012 by 4 Comments

Chocolate Tuesday.  My last one at this house.  After this week, I will officially be living in my new home.   And my kids will need to deal with this divorce in a different way than they have experienced in the past.

Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

  • I woke up on the couch, again.  I woke up and showered quickly.  I was going to be working from home today due to divorce-related meetings so there was no need to get dressed in work attire. 
  • Twin Crazy was excited about wearing tights.  So I helped her in them and helped her pick a dress.  She picked a halter-top number with butterflies and she looked ADORABLE.
  • The rest of the kids were in great moods as well because of Chocolate Tuesday.  My last……
  • Big Bro had to wear a white shirt for school today for special outside events so I found a “shark” shirt.  Twin Crazy was at first extremely scared of it (and we talked about those feelings) but then she had a change of heart and decided that she loved the shark and wanted to give it kisses.   She proceeded to get chocolate Nutella all over Big Bro’s shark shirt.
  • Drop offs were fine; I dropped off Red and she was in a reasonably good mood, but very clingy.

 

 

 

 

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I got in the car and loaded up more things and headed out to my house.  I needed to be there for a furniture delivery.   So I was busy cleaning up the floors and also getting my trash ready for trash night.  
  • In the meantime, I hooked up my modem so that I could get Internet access and be wireless.  No problems so far!
  • Macy’s came and gave me the red carpet treatment.  Then one of the chickens came by and the delivery guys (and me) were laughing.  I guess the Chicken does not see red carpets too often and was curious as to what was going on.
  • The living room furniture looks great; after the delivery I just sat there for a few moments and relaxed.  I mean REALLY relaxed.  I strangely felt at peace, despite how my life was being torn and the events that I needed to get ready for this week.   The house is coming together.  And it feels comfortable.  It feels good.   I feel good in it.
  • I quickly had to get ready to leave for an appointment related to the beginning of our Child Custody evaluation.  I can’t believe we are going through this – but we couldn’t agree with anything while we were married, why would I think that we would be able to agree to anything now.   It is terrible that 3rd parties are deciding on what is best for our family.   How can me and co-parent think so differently??!?!?!?!
  • On my way to my appointment I called the office and told them I’m just going to take the day off.  I got NOTHING done but a few emails – I can’t claim that I did any real work today.   The same will go for tomorrow.
  • The meeting was emotionally exhausting.  The same rehashing of events and feelings of lost dreams and disappointment.  
  • I got back to pick up the Twins; co-parent picked up Big Bro and Red.

 

 

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I cleaned up the last of my room while co-parent cooked dinner.  I had a lot of time with Twin Crazy, who was helping me sort through stuff to keep vs. stuff to throw away.  She seemed very needy tonight.  It must have been hard for her to see me packing up in this way.
  • I vacuumed up the room and the kids helped.
  • We ate pizza outside.  We ate cherries.  Twin Crazy sat on my lap the entire time.
  • Red sat on my lap next.   Both of my girls are needy tonight.
  • I played “wall ball” with Big Bro.  He had me cracking up with all of the lingo and terminology to this game.  I really had a good time and I’m glad he kept asking me to play with him.
  • We went inside and co-parent was watching TV with Big Bro and the Twins as I was packing up some things with Red.    Then there was an issue with the remote control and Twin Crazy accidently turned off the show that Big Bro was watching.  Big Bro of course had a tantrum and threw himself on the floor.  This scared Twin Crazy who came running over to me.
  • I drew some firetrucks with Red and Big Bro.
  • Upstairs, it was my night with Red and Big Bro.  Big Bro read us a book.  I talked with them about it being my last night here.  Big Bro cheered, saying that for now on we will get to spend more time at my house.   Red looked at me and said that she likes my house but does not like that it is far away.  My heart sank.  I can’t take too much more emotion right now.  She asked why did I pick that house even though its far away?   I picked it because of the schools.   To give my kids the opportunity to go to the best public schools in this area (and because of affordability, but I didn’t get into that with her).    I told her that her brain and the rest of the kids’ brains deserve the very best schools and they will be able to get them with that house.   Big Bro was an optimist and said that it just feels like the house is farther away than it really is because you have to get on a highway.  But the cars go fast so it really isn’t that long of a trip.   Ugggh.  My heart breaks again.

 

 

 

So I kissed them goodnight and told them that I really enjoyed my last night with them in this house.  I then went to see Twin Crazy and Twin Husky and whispered my normal “I….. love….. you.     Sweet dreams.  Bye-bye.”  

I went downstairs and headed to a neighbor’s house to close out the evening.  We talked about kids in general (they also have four) and laughed.   I enjoyed myself and will miss them.   But I already know they will be visiting and I have so many ideas of things to do with the eight kids… most of them involving weeds.   J

I’ll be honest – I am so disappointed at how things have turned out for me and my family.  We moved into this house temporarily and I had such high hopes – I really felt like we were moving in the right direction as a family.   I was so hopeful.  And excited for our future.    I spent my marriage putting my family first above my own needs – and did this for so long that I eventually broke.  I have found much better balance now and am happier in a much different way; but this happiness has come with many trade-offs.   A significantly reduced standard of living.  The loss of a marriage and partnership.  The strain on the children, now and in the future.   And a future that is unknown.    But, all futures are unknown.   I am trying to do my best with the cards that have been dealt to me.   And I am hoping that things will work out for my family and that the children will be taken care of and given what they need. 

I have another big day tomorrow and a bigger day on Thursday.   I’m going to hunker down now on the couch and finish this last day.   I’m feeling down and terribly disappointed; I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel stronger.

Til tomorrow –

–          Mama K

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June 6 & 7: Thank goodness Nana is here

June 7, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I missed yesterday’s daily journal posting.  Sorry.  Really.  I’ve just been a bit crazed lately.  Moving.  The arrival of my mom (YEAH!!).  So I fell asleep just before typing it out.  Sorry again.  So I’ll recap the last two days.

Wednesday was a 1/2 work day for me.  I remember being busy.  Sending out lots of emails and sales outreach for a forum we are trying to launch.  Getting conference calls set up.  I was very productive.   I was also excited about the day ahead.   My mom was flying in for a couple of days.  I was excited to see her and show her the new house.  I need some reinforcement in my life (and help with the move) so was glad for her visit.

After work I picked up Big Bro.  We went to Toyota to get some floor mats installed.  Now the car REALLY looks good.   Big Bro was excited about the free bottles of water and the granola bar snacks.  I was excited about the Starbucks coffee.   After that, we went to pick up Twin Crazy and Twin Husky.   We then went to Red’s daycare.  I had a short conference with her “teacher” which went well.  She is right on track.  While I was doing the conference the 3 other kids played.   Afterwards we picked up Red and then headed to the airport.  My mom arrived just as we did – great timing!   We headed out to the new house and the kids were all talking and telling Nana about it.  About the chickens, their new rooms, the planting, and their new friends.  They were all excited.

As soon as we got there the kids wanted to show Nana their rooms.  So cute.   Then of course we took the trek up to see the chickens.  Red was following one around that was cruising in our back yard.   We did some lawn watering, talked with the neighbors, and got my mom settled.  Before you knew it I had to get the kids back — I had co-parent order a pizza; poor Big Bro fell asleep in the car and didn’t wake up for dinner. 

 

====

I woke up and started to dismantle my bed.  The kids were enthralled.   The rest of the morning was uneventful, I think.  I played with the kids and felt good.

Big Bro went to school on his bike.  I took the rest of the kids to my house.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  The place looked incredible.  My mom was up until 1:30 AM the prior night (4:30 AM east coast time after flying all day!!!) cleaning and organizing my kitchen.   The place was really straightened up everywhere else.  Boxes were stacked and there were clear paths to walk.  Whew.  Thank goodness my mom is here.

We spent the day eating, organizing clothes, finishing the kitchen, clearing a path to the chickens, picking up Big Bro, accepting package deliveries from Amazon/UPS and FedEx, receiving my shed, almost receiving my washer/dryer (I need to reorder — GAS dryer…. damn it), getting AT&T to install a phone jack, getting ADT to install a security system….. more playing, more eating, …. we went out to dinner and all kids ate like champs.  Then they started acting crazy so we fled.

I left my mom at the house to enjoy peace and quiet.   She looked exhausted.   She was thinking about more work with kids clothes but I really hope she hit the sack instead.

Once we got home the kids went to bed and I went to Home Depot.   It is amazing the $$$ you can spend there.  I have to cut myself off soon.  I think I should be good to stay clear away from there for awhile (I hope).

I got home and showered.  It was badly needed.  I smelled like ass.  I mean, I actually smelled myself so you know it was bad.  I hadn’t showered in 2 days and essentially was wearing the same clothes so it was really, really, bad.  I’m now typing this freshly showered, body very sore, with wet hair.  I love the smell of my skin right now.   I’m really happy.   Things are coming together and I love my house.  I love the space.  I love the yards.  I love the neighborhood.  I love how it looks, how it smells, and how it is mine.   And how my mom approves of it (at least she says).   Yes it is small but it is all that we need.   And it is beautiful.  And we are making it a home.   And I can’t wait to get there tomorrow to start another day there.

Til tomorrow –

– Mama K

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June 5: Getting ready for country living!

June 5, 2012 by Leave a Comment

It was an early night for me last night and a late start for me this morning.   Things are catching up with me.   I’m not able to keep up the pace and my body is telling me so.   The sleep felt good.  

Highlights of the Morning:

  • Chocolate Tuesday!   Kids were demanding MORE, and MORE, and MORE
  • Twin Husky was hiding from me when I tried to find him to wipe his face of Nutella.  We were cracking up when I found him in a corner of the toy room hiding behind the toy kitchen doors.   I love his laugh.  It comes from deep down, in his belly.   His laugh will always make me laugh.  A child’s laugh is special, but what Twin Husky has is different.  It honestly brews up from his toes to his belly to his throat and comes out as a chuckle/giggle/belly laugh.  I love it.   It is something very special about him.
  • Twin Crazy got mad at me when I asked her not to wear daddy’s shoes upstairs.  She was walking towards the top of the stairs and a little pint size girl in man-shoes on top of the stairs is a disaster waiting to happen.  Because of this reprimand she threw her body on the floor in a tantrum, kicking her feet and looking at me like I took away her favorite toy.  I explained my reasoning to her, that it was dangerous near the stairs and I didn’t want her to get hurt, and moved on downstairs to deliver clothes options to Red and Big Bro.
  • Big Bro did well picking his clothes from the options I provided.  So did Red.  They are both so picky but I think it’s because they have too many clothes to choose from.  If they had less, I think they would be easier to deal with in terms of clothes.   When faced with just 2 or 3 choices they do much better.
  • Big Bro was ready for his bike ride.  He always asks me first if it is OK for him to go.  I run out to him and kiss him and say “Yes, have fun, I love you.”
  • Twin Husky was in the street for some reason near trash cans sweeping up some of the remnant trash.  Maybe some weeds didn’t make the trash pick up.   Did he really get a broom from the garage and decide to sweep on his own???
  • I was taking Red to school this morning so that alleviated a tantrum.  I gathered her things and she seemed happy to go to school.

 

I am really sluggish now.  I had no coffee or breakfast this AM.  Coffee is a must but the coffee maker is at my place and I ran out of the instant stuff.  I need to get more instant coffee for me to get through this week and next.  

I have work to do this morning and would like to actually have some focused time to work on something and feel like I’m getting something complete.   I need to feel like I’m accomplishing something today at work or else it weighs me down – I think nailing down a date for one of the forums in Fall and reaching out to speakers for those dates will be a good project for me to accomplish today.  I’ll focus on that and then work through other things that need to get done afterwards.

I’m going to head to my house tonight to take the garbage bins to the road.  I know that this is something one of my neighbors would easily do for me but I want to go there myself.   Maybe if I go without the kids I can also get some work done there like unpacking my room.  We’ll see.

 

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • Don’t tell anyone – but I spent a lot of time today shopping.  Amazon.com.  They are having a 20% sale in the gardening section and I went a little crazy.  I bought more hand weeders, new gloves (I already have holes in my other pair), gloves for all of the kids, 2 sets of kid hand tools, a bird feeder, 2 windchimes, deer netting, bamboo poles for the deer netting (I’m thinking of my poor twig trees that got attacked by those 2 cute deer in my neighborhood)…. And then I kept going and got a tumbler/rotator compost container.  Am I going overboard?  Yes.  But that is how I am.  Extremes.  I’m REALLY into this gardening thing and I can’t stop.   I’m looking forward to setting up an area in the yard to plant these trees.  I want to see the leaves come back.  It would be wonderful to actually see these trees grow and maybe throw off some fruit next year?
  • I did some sales activities for one of the forums – trying to set up sales calls
  • I started to get materials ready for a survey we are going to launch for another forum
  • I had a conference call with our partners for a different forum we are trying to launch – they are such slackers.  I have some to-dos as a result and I want to focus on that tomorrow.

I am on the ferry now and it is sunny.  I am happy with my purchases today.  I am happy to get to the house tonight to take out the trash.  I am happy that my mother is coming tomorrow to stay with me for a few days.  I am happy to be working from home tomorrow.   I’m feeling really good right now.  

 

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I picked up Red and she ran to me from the playground.  We gathered her “stuff” and head to the car.  When we got to the twins, they were going for a walk towards the house.  Twin Crazy saw me and ran for a tricycle.  She began pedaling it with her feet… before she could only scoot around with her legs.   She was so proud of herself and was squealing with delight.  I had to get a movie of it.  Twin Husky was also riding around on the pedals – he is a pro at that now.
  • We picked up Big Bro and headed home.   I mentioned having a FAST dinner and for Big Bro to promise NOT to get the neighbors tonight… I wanted to finish early so that we could get to my house afterwards.  Everyone agreed.
  • We ate super-fast; I took down my bedroom curtains and we hit the road
  • I was taking care of trash bins and sweeping up a bit.  Big Bro watered the outside plants.  Red watered the inside plants.  Then they found cubby shelves that I bought for each of their rooms, still in boxes.  They proceeded to rip open the boxes and start to organize the pieces while I was doing the outside work.   I asked them if they wanted me to put them together while they were at school or if they wanted me to wait for them – they both wanted me to wait for them so they could help but they REALLY wanted to start the project tonight.  I denied them their wish.
  • The place is completely disheveled and I hope my mom isn’t too frightened but she will feel good about helping me out.  I’m so glad she’s coming.
  • On the ride home, Red kept talking about the new girl in her class.  I was having trouble understanding why.  When we were at home she asked me to bring up to her the book that she left in the garage, the same one she took to school today.  It is called “The New Girl” and we got it from a cereal box.  I think it is amazing how she has a new girl at school today and she brought in that book to school to show her teachers.  Her one teacher read it to the whole class.  Is it a coincidence or did she really make that connection between the book and the new girl in her class?   She was proud that her teacher read her book to the class.  And I was proud of her for empathizing with her new friend at school.

 

 

I’m tired but content.  I looked through email and Amazon was having a 25% patio furniture sale so I bought a glider bench for my front yard “porch”.  This is out of control.  I have to stop myself.   I can’t wait to open up all of these packages and start my country living!!!

Til tomorrow –

Mama K

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June 4: Rain, rain go away

June 4, 2012 by Leave a Comment

A rainy Monday.   After an amazing weekend with the kids, in duos.   Last night when I came back with Twin Husky and Twin Crazy, the reunion with Red and Big Bro was fun – lots of chatter and banter.   The children miss each other when they are away, but I can also tell that they like the more attention that separation from their siblings brings.

Highlights of the Morning:

  • All of the kids were still snoozing past 7:10 AM.  Quite unusual.  I guess that’s what good baths and full weekends do; plus rainy Monday mornings.
  • Twin Husky looked confused when he got up; Twin Crazy was immediately playful.  Playing hide-and-seek, talking, laughing, … what a difference in personalities
  • I dressed Twin Crazy and got rid of her “dirty stinky diaper” – she’s regressed with potty training which is understandable with the changes in her life right now.
  • Red was waking up slowly; her hair all over the place but clean.  When her eyes were finally focused, she woke up and out of bed just fine.  Fixing her sheets, and asking (demanding) me to gather her things (backpack, baby, seal animal, jacket…..).  This is our routine together.  Me and her joking about all of her stuff.
  • Big Bro got up without a problem.  He wanted to bring his “bad guy” Legos to school today and bring his “good guy” Legos tomorrow.  
  • The kids were all laughing about a small rubber chicken keychain toy that Big Bro pulled apart.  You can now see a hole in it and they were laughing about the “chicken’s butt”.
  • The kids were walking around on tippy toes which I thought was cute.
  • Big Bro wanted to tell me about rainy days at school and what they do at recess if its raining.  How they watch movies instead and how today he hopes that it rains all day so he can watch two movies.
  • Red wanted me to help her find her favorite clothes in the dryer.   She was happy.
  • Big Bro needed help finding clean socks.  We went “fishing” together for clean socks out of the dryer. 
  • I started a load of wash and then we were off.  Big Bro rode today with the Motley Crew.   I packed up Twin Crazy and Twin Husky.   Red wanted to go too and was upset.  I said I would pick her up from school today.   It’s hard to hear their cries when they can’t come with me.  If it were up to me I would take all of them.

I’m on the ferry and it is gray.   I have certain things that I want to focus on for work to prepare for the Fall forums and also turn to sales for new memberships.    I also need to attend an internal meeting related to these forums with a Director from another office that I’m not excited about.  He will likely play a larger role in my forums since the Director that is involved with them now is retiring at the end of the year.   This other Director is moving in and managing him will be a challenge.

I also need to organize some things for home:   order a garbage bin, call to check on Batman (the sick guinea pig), order service to hook up my TV and run wires for surround-sound.   Follow up with the fence and hand-rail project.  Confirm schedules for Custody Evaluation.   I think that’s it on a personal front. 

Highlights of My Working Day:

  • I decided to buy a HUGE breakfast sandwich as I was dodging the cold rain to the office. 
  • I got through a ton of emails and sent out an invoice for our project which just ended. 
  • I received word that our client that requested a high-level proposal checked internally and they do not need our help at this time.  🙂
  • I went through some financials of the forums we are running to see how profitable they are; and also thought through approach for sales
  • We had an internal meeting where we talked about the accounting and how to standardize some of the work that we do with the forums; also an approach to reach more prospects to generate new members.

The day went by quickly but I feel like I did not accomplish much of anything.    Hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel more productive.

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I was so exhausted on the ferry home that I did not write but instead slept.  I am drained.
  • I picked everyone up and was surprised to see Twin Husky in a brand new outfit – cute little jeans (with pockets) and a collar polo shirt.   Their daycare provider purchased it for him; he looked so handsome and even repeated that over and over.  He loves the pockets.
  • I got home and started to boil water for pasta.  As this was going, I started to break down cardboard boxes to recycle, related to my move.  The kids were all outside playing and the neighbors were out there too so it was nice.  I enjoyed myself but found I was running into the street WAY to much to fetch their balls.  
  • Dinner was fast and the kids ate well.
  • All were fighting and cranky so we started bedtime earlier; I had the younger ones but the older ones wanted to be with me; co-parent was completely frustrated.  I dressed the younger ones, read to the older ones, sang to the younger ones, and am in bed now. 

 

My plan for tonight was to start dismantling my bed.  I just don’t know if I’ll be able to start this project.   I can also do the curtains so I might just do that instead.   Red is now crying and I just can’t take this.  I cannot wait until June 15th when I can be free from this sterile house and remnants of lost hopes and dreams.   I’ve completely let go and need to move on and staying here through the end of the school year is really hard.   I can’t wait until the 15th when I can start to breathe again.   I’m missing my house and I want to be there.  And be there with the kids in their laughter and fits of cranky rage.   And of course, the weeds.

Til tomorrow –

Mama K

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Staying Sane: Just make a list and bang it out

June 3, 2012 by 6 Comments

For those that are following this blog, you know that I have more on my plate now than 1) working; and 2) being a mother.   I’ve also got 3) a move; 4) a divorce; and 5) child custody efforts.   I separate # 5 from #4 because dealing with the kids, their emotions, and the thought of these descisions into the future are soooooooooooooooo critical; money and things can be replaced (e.g., divorce); but the relationships and the safety net you provide to your children are just too important to overlook.  So I need to give that the special focus it deserves.

Anyway, the topic of this post.   How to manage all of the things going on right now…. how to keep it together without falling to pieces or feeling like a deer in headlights.  Well, I do feel like that sometimes.  But then my Type A personality kicks in and I just hunker down, focus, make my lists, and bang them out.   You can probably tell that I am a big “list maker” just by the way that I write.  Most of the time, I do this work at night.  After the kids go to sleep.   And online.   I cut corners and probably sacrifice cost to save me time.  I do not have time to bargain-shop when I have so much to get finished.

For example, in the last say 2 weeks, I’ve had to:

  • buy a minivan
  • sell a car
  • start my move
  • buy two bedroom sets for two rooms for the four children (and put together said furniture….)
  • buy a refrigerator
  • buy a washer / dryer
  • buy a kitchen set
  • buy a livingroom set
  • buy a shed
  • organize a fence/handrail installation
  • deal with court deadlines and paperwork deadlines
  • deal with a summer custody schedule that is ambiguous in some of its language
  • deal with back and forth between lawyers on said ambuiguity
  • fight with lawyer/ terminate relationship with said lawyer on dealings with said ambuiguity
  • lead a selling webinar for a forum at work that we are trying to launch
  • finish a client project and complete a Final Deliverable for our client
  • weed, weed, weed, weed, weed the grounds of the new house; I mowed a lawn for the very first time ever
  • buy things I never imagined I would ever own (e.g., electric drill) at Home Depot – make multiple trips to home depot
  • Start to think about financial mediation and then put that on backburner

I am not saying that I am super human.  I am not.  And I am floundering in many of the above.   But what I am trying to do is compartmentalize the aspects of my life that require ACTION.  And also figure out which of the items NEED to get done IMMEDIATELY versus which can wait a bit.  Which involve 3rd parties?  Which have deadlines?  Which do I need to work together with someone else versus what can I do on my own?  What can be accomplished at night, on-line, and executed through on-line shopping and delivery to my house?    Are there people who can help me (and YES there are and YES I take the help when offered, with MUCH appreciation).

And all along all of this is focusing also on my kids.  This must be hard for them.  This must be confusing for them.  But they are troopers and handling it very well – better than I expected.  I guess having four children is great in that they help each other… they look out for each other… they are a bit stronger I suppose than children of smaller families.

And in the list there is the recurring theme of getting the house ready.  Inside and out.   And I find great pleasure in the outside work.  Mowing the lawn.  Weeding.  I joke about all of the weeds but I think it therapeutic for me to actually do it.   I find that attacking that earth in the early morning before it gets too hot is the best time.  It is quiet.  And I fill up those wheelbarrels and I have time to think about my to-do’s… or not.   And many times I have helpers and workers (AKA the kids) and also friends and neighbors.   THANK YOU EVERYONE.

So… the things left to do…

  • hire someone for fence/railings [NEED TO DO SOON]
  • put shed together [OUTSOURCE… FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT]
  • hire another lawyer [backburner for now….]
  • complete the move
  • get internet set up [installation set….]
  • get washer/dryer, furniture delivered in one piece [delivery dates set… ]
  • organize kitchen [Mom to help]
  • focus on getting some work done at the day job
  • …
  • …
  • …

Have a great week!

– Mama K

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May 31: One red raspberry and three big sticks

May 31, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Thursday, a day at “home” with Twin Crazy and Twin Husky.  We had a VERY busy day…

Highlights of the Morning:

  • Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were excited about their pockets in their shorts
  • Big Bro reminded us that he lost his bike privilege for the morning (not listening the night before).  How mature of him!
  • I dropped off Red with the Twins – no problems.
  • We made it back and I started to load up the van.  The big milestone today was the dresser, which I loaded all on my own.  I’m feeling unstoppable.  I’m doing this whole move myself – will likely not need any movers!
  • We stopped and had a yogurt snack, and then hit the road…

 

Highlights of the Afternoon:

  • We got there and went to water our trees and plants, as usual – what a surprise…. the apple tree, peach tree, and newly bought cherry tree were all devoured since last night!!!!   Almost every leaf gone!!!   I was on the phone with my mom when I discovered the violation of our trees – I was laughing.   Me and the Twins were talking about it.   We watered the “sticks” anyway and then later I moved them indoors just in case any new leaves would sprout and be left at risk.
  • The GREAT news is that I saw our FIRST raspberry.  IT WAS DAMN DELICIOUS
  • Twin Husky was busy at work with the mulch in a net.  Twin Crazy was busy with bubbles.
  • They napped and I started to organize my room – getting stuff out of the closet to make room for REAL closet items like clothes.  Moving boxes to the office, to the storage closet.   Then I moved the dresser to the house and into the room…. the clothes were reunited with the dresser and decorations put on top.   My room is starting to come together, or at least look less like a storage unit.
  • I rested on the rocking chair for a bit.
  • I started to weed and then they woke up.  Snack time.
  • I weeded some more and packed up the van with weeds for the trash bin at the other house.
  • I was totally tired on the way home.

 

 

 

Dinner and Bedtime:

  • I picked up BBQ on the way home.  Twin Crazy and Twin Husky were both hugging figurines of pigs.  Twinkle lights were on in the windows and Twin Husky was saying “Santa, Santa”.
  • We picked up Red, Big Bro.
  • We ate quickly and ran outside to play.   I didn’t realize it but Big Bro went around the corner to knock on our neighbor’s house.. .he didn’t tell me since he knew I would say it was an inappropriate time – he initiated the party that started at our driveway.  Me, the four kids, my neighbor, her four kids, and a random dog from down the street.  Me and my neighbor were drinking Guinness together and it was wonderful for me to have a moment of “real” time with a “real” person for this short moment.  It was the best fun I’ve had in awhile.
  • Afterwards I played puzzles with Red and Big Bro.   Bedtime routine was with both of them and I think we are all exhausted.

 

 

I had an amazing day.  I am so excited about the house.  Is it wrong for me to be so happy when the kids will be made to suffer?   Call me crazy, but I enjoy pulling out big weeds.  And I enjoy looking out over the yard and thinking of the possibilities.  I enjoyed the feeling of getting the boxes under control.   And I loved when Big Bro immediately asked me if we would be driving there tonight to pick up the mail or do some work.  I love that the kids are excited about the place too.  That is important to me.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, finally looking forward to them again!  I plan on being at my house the whole time and splitting the kids in duos.  I need to talk to co-parent about that.

Til tomorrow –

– Mama K

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May 25: Getting back

May 25, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I know it’s been a couple of days since I’ve written anything. I’ve been doing this since July 2011 and this past Wednesday and Thursday were the first times that I skipped writing a daily journal.

I just didn’t have anything left in me.

On those evenings I either was up until past midnight writing divorce-related correspondence, or just so physically and emotionally exhausted that I passed out immediately after putting the kids to bed. So, nothing was written. But I will remember these past several days well, unfortunately.

I cannot begin to tell you the feeling of a 3rd party telling you that you must take your older children to daycare for two days during the week during the summer, even when you have those days off from work, even when you have two younger kids to look after. This denies my children of ME when I am available for them (particularly during divorce, when they need me the most) and denies the children of EACH OTHER. I am infuriated yet also feeling defeated. It just does not matter how hard I try. I can’t get through. Just looking at facts and the implications of such decisions and using PLAIN COMMON SENSE does not seem to work. I am drained. Simply drained. Shouldn’t these kids be allowed to be with their mother and their siblings during these TWO days? How does daycare trump this time with me and their siblings? I just don’t understand. And I can’t talk to co-parent about it. He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see the implications.

Anyway, today was a great day. All of us strollered/rode bikes with Big Bro to school. I then spent the rest of the day at the new house putting more things together. I worked on the second bunk bed which is going much, much faster than the first since I know how to put the pieces so there is less dismantling and re-starting. The Twins slept like champs. I took a client conference call to wrap up our project (YEAH) and also to t-up more work. I have a proposal to write so I’ll need to have that ready for Tuesday / Wednesday. I pulled some weeds. We looked at chickens. We saw chickens strutting by our back door. We then saw a big pile of chicken poop at the front door and started laughing at it. I said “now that’s ridiculous” and the Twins were repeating me. Things are coming together. It’s feeling so comfortable there. I love how I have an office. It has a great view to the back yard.

I think we are going to be so happy here.

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There is more to write… …so much more. This is really a roller-coaster part of my life. When I feel like things can’t get much worse, it does. Sometimes I feel like no matter where I turn I’m getting punched, and punched hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m kicking so hard trying to stay above water but no matter how hard I try I’m still gulping down water and fighting for breath. And the people who should be protecting me are failing me. And people who were my friends are keeping their distance. And I have no where else to turn. And nothing is my choice. I am shoved through a system where there is one way of doing things and no one listens.

But then, briefly, a ray of light. The strawberry plants are growing. The chickens are friendly. The weeds are not that difficult to pull and are coming out of the earth by with their roots. I do have friends reaching out to me and who are worried about not hearing from me. And that matters [thank you!]. I just need to take a deep breath and regain some strength and confidence. And no matter what anyone says, or what anyone dictates, I still have four beautiful children and they all call me “mommy”. I am still their mom and will still try my best to do what is right for them. And no third party will ever be able to change that.

Have a great long weekend everybody
– Mama K

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May 21: What a difference 7 years makes

May 21, 2012 by 2 Comments

Monday… a first day of the work-week after an AMAZING weekend with the kids at my new house. And May 21. The anniversary of my marriage that is currently being dissolved…

Highlights of the Morning:

  • Twin Crazy went nuts when she saw me. Hugs and slaps on the back. “Mommy!!! Mommy!!! Mommy!!!!”. She kept slapping away and dancing and jumping in my arms. How sweet.
  • Twin Husky pointed on his head for me to kiss him. I remember him pointing and touching Red’s chair with his foot – like he was teasing her but not really. When I asked him to do it some more so I could take a picture, he gave me a dirty look. Too cute. Then he started making faces at me – puckering up his lips and acting silly. We were all laughing.
  • Red woke up cranky – likely due to two days with no naps. We are short on her favorite breakfast foods so that was also a problem today. I need to go food shopping.
  • The kids tried Rice Krispies (my favorite cereal – I love it on top of ice-cream) and they were interested in the snap crackle pop but not that interested in the actual cereal.
  • Big Bro was EXCELLENT. He got changed, ate breakfast, and was ready to ride with the Motley Crew.
  • Twin Crazy became very cranky since she was never changed out of her diaper this morning… it was all wet and I took it off and then she ran away from me with her pajamas and underwear down by her knees… walking around naked and laughing.
  • I helped Big Bro with his shoes, and Red with her clothes.
  • I dropped off Red and let them know that she missed her naps this weekend so might be tired. I also let them know that she saw Mommy’s house and the CHICKENS so they could have something to talk about.

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    I sat on the ferry and talked with a neighbor the whole way. Talked about the weekend, his BBQ, his kids, my house, the kids’ reactions to the house. The fact that I would love to see him and his family come out for a visit. They are my only real connection in my current neighborhood and I will miss them. They’ve really done a lot for me over the past year and I appreciate them so much.

    Highlights of my Working Day:

  • As soon as I walked in, I was hit with a client deliverable that needed to be reviewed first thing in the AM for delivery to the client ASAP. I spent about 2 hours on it and we sent it off by noon.
  • I grabbed an amazing won-ton and noodle soup. It was freezing today.
  • I crafted a letter to close out a separate project. I’ll be glad when both of these client projects are over.
  • I did a lot of administrative items – also mapping out what I need to do with my “real” job now that my client work is finally [almost] over.
  • I had to leave a bit early to catch my doctor appointment tonight. Time went by so fast… I was talking about so much. There is a lot for me to talk about and I really don’t have anyone out here to talk to – it’s amazing how my mutual friends have just gone silent – they are keeping their distance. I have few friends out here from my past and they are supportive. I talk to my family daily but they get so frustrated at the situation and they are a bit behind the acceptance curve that I am on. I have already accepted so much and they are not quite there with me yet. This whole process is so unbelievably frustrating and such a waste of time/money. And it does NO good for the families or the children involved. I hate the way this divorce is going and I would have done things so differently if possible.

    • Dinner and Bedtime:
    My ferry is coming in now, it is 8 PM. I am going to go straight to Trader Joe’s to pick up food for the kids. I will likely miss the kids tonight since the older ones are REALLY wiped out. I have a lot of work to do tonight related to the divorce. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! HA. What a joke.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    p.s., I bought bags of breakfast stuff at Trader Joes. That will likely be my last trip at Trader Joes for food at this house. Co-parent will have to do it from here on out while they are his house.

    The older kids were still awake when I got home. I got lots of hugs and Red sat on my lap. Both wanted me to spend time with them and scratch their backs. Big Bro told me that I smelled bad. Was it the fish tacos with onions? I asked him if it was my breath or my body. He didn’t know. I asked if I should brush my teeth or take a shower. He said “both”. Great.

    The twins were also talking in their rooms so I said hello to them. Twin Husky was lifting his arms to hug me. Twin Crazy was standing up swinging her head from side to side. I asked them if they wanted me to sing and they of course said Yes. I got them out of their cribs and they each sat in my lap, one head to each of my shoulders. I said I would sing “Twinkle Twinkle” three times and then it was back to their cribs. I rocked and sang with them and enjoyed my brief time with them. They are so good. They went off to their cribs with smiles. “I…… love….. you…..” in whispers. Sweet dreams my babies.

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    Staying Sane: Get them to pitch in and help

    May 20, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    As you all know the work never really ends for busy working moms. If you are like me, you may have a tough time just sitting down to relax since there is always something to do. This post is not focused on the relaxing that we owe ourselves – rather, it is enabling, allowing, and encouraging our children to take a part and an active role in the duties that they can handle to help out with the workload to run the house.

    The kids are now 6, 4, and 2. The 2 year olds think they are helping but of course they add to the work… however Red, who is 4, can actually be very helpful – particularly with her younger brother and sister. She is also extremely willing and eager to help – and is very consistent with her eagerness. Big Bro, now 6 years old, is willing to help but in bursts. The trick with him is to embrace those times when he is hit with one of those bursts and let him ride with it. They all love to “help” cook. They [sometimes] set the table. They work together to clean up toys [most of the time]. I am excited about their growing into older stages and ages to take on more responsibility. To pitch it and be part of a family that all works together in the upkeep of the house and home.

    Over the weekend I introduced Big Bro and Red to the new house. There are a lot of things that I want to write about this weekend. It was wonderful. However I want to focus my thoughts on the topic of this post – having the kids help out. Since it was the weekend I met many of the neighbors. Our next door neighbors have two children – an 8-year old girl and a 6-year old boy (only 3 weeks older than Big Bro!!). I really like them, and more importantly, their mother whom is also from the East Coast (Rochester NY). Both she and her daughter described how she starts the laundry, does the folding, cleans up from dinner, etc. etc….. I sat there in awe. Yes, I love these ages where the kids are so young like little rosebuds with their personalities developing and opening — where you learn more about them as each day passes. However, there is something incredible about the thought of these kids actually DOING more and taking [a bit of] the workload off of me. I also love the idea of teaching the children that families work together and the sense of responsibility and pride it can instill in children.

    I had the great fortune of introducing the children to our new home this weekend. I wanted them to love it as much as I do… but I didn’t want to rush them. I needed them to wander, explore, and take it in. I wanted them to grow to feel comfortable there. Most importantly, I wanted them to be feel like it was their space too. Through the divorce we are teaching the kids about “two homes” and that they will have daddy’s house to spend time with daddy, and mommy’s house to spend time with mommy. And this was their first time all together to experience this new home. I am teaching them that this is OUR house. Not just Mommy’s house. This house belongs to ALL of us… and that we will work together to make this house a HOME. I’m teaching them that I bought this house for them and for us and our family. And we need to work together as a family to take care of this house. The kids were excited. And they really exceeded any and all of my expectations. They laughed, met the neighbors, made new friends, explored, and yes… they even helped out in their own way:

  • Big Bro unpacking the weedwacker
  • Big Bro and Red coming with me to Home Depot to pick out citrus trees, fruit bushes, and other random things
  • Twin Husky raking up the mulch onto the sidewalk [OK, this was added work for me, but he looked so determined to rake and to “help”]
  • Red handling the strawberry plants and then also picking out the spots where to plant them
  • Big Bro working the wheel-barrel and helping clear the weeds for some planting
  • Big Bro and Red helping to rake a path from our back top deck to the other neighbor’s house with the chickens
  • Twin Husky watering the planted strawberry bushes
  • Twin Crazy watering the patio
  • Big Bro sweeping, sweeping, sweeping and using the dustpan to clean off the entire back porch and driveway
  • All kids picking up their toys without hesitation when asked

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    I am so happy with how this weekend turned out. It could have been hard and stressful, but it really was an amazing experience. The kids took everything in stride and went above and beyond where I thought they would go.

    This sense of pride in the house and home is something that I will continue to communicate to the children. And also the need to work together as a family. Big Bro was not with me in the afternoon today and he asked me NOT to do any sweeping. So, I’ve got my first “duty” lined up for him on an ongoing basis. I will see what Red would like to “own” as her area of responsibility over time. And of course I will give in to whatever Twin Crazy and Twin Husky gravitate towards in terms of “work”. Our time together in this house will unfold and we will get into our groove that will change and evolve over time. But I am happy to have this home for them and I have worked so hard to get it. It will be natural for me to show the children the importance of this home and teach them to appreciate this house and encourage them each to do their part to help out.

    How do you Mamas get your kids involved with household and family responsibilities??? What has worked well to get them engaged and consistent?

    Have a great week everybody –
    – Mama K

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    May 18: Home improvement!

    May 18, 2012 by Leave a Comment

    Friday! Another day off from work but me and the Twins did other kind of “work” at the new house.

    Highlights of the Morning:

  • I was solo so woke up early to shower and pack lunch.
  • Twins seemed OK. Twin Crazy still had a slight fever. Both were very clingy. Twin Crazy was in a BAD mood.
  • Downstairs I fixed oatmeal breakfasts. Twins were still extremely clingy/moody so we decided to sit on the couch together. First Twin Crazy, then Red came over as a joke. Twin Husky was jealous of his twin sister for sitting near me and she got completely pissed off if he even touched her foot with his belly. Eventually I was sitting there with both twins, just relaxing, and directing the big kids to get dressed.
  • Bigger kids were excited that their favorite clothes were in the dryer. During our routine in the morning I asked each of them to “go fishing” in the dryer for their clothes for the day. Each came out smiling, and willing to change their clothes. EVEN their dirty underwear.
  • We all went with Big Bro again today for the ride to school. Red was riding her bike and the Twins were strolling. I brought towels and wipes just in case we had a puke accident but we were all fine. Red was doing great going up and down the sidewalk to cross the street and keeping up the pace so that she made it uphill on the other side without needing help. “Keep those legs moving. Feet! Legs! Feet! Legs!” She was doing great and having a great time. She was even doing the “stand up” pedaling which is new to her. She was driving through the puddles which is exactly what I would do.
  • At home we had a pudding snack and then we headed to Red’s school. We had a problem though this morning. Missing backpack and purse. REAL problem. They just disappeared….

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    Highlights of the Day:

  • We arrived at the new house and the Twins found a huge bag of plastic Easter eggs. This kept them occupied for quite some time while I was busy unloading the van and putting things away.
  • I found my disc player from many eons ago and put in a “Toddlers Favorites” CD. THEY LOVED IT. I’m glad I held on to that crap for so long just to see Twin Crazy’s smile. They were both really enjoying that music.
  • We then decided to go outside and watch the sprinklers. They had their boots on which was too cute. We decided to pull the rocking chair onto the sidewalk under a tree and we sat there and rocked together. It was so nice. I loved it. Rocking on that chair with my two little munchkins. Looking over our [brownish] lawn and enjoying the breeze. We then got up for lunch.
  • I made them mac-n-cheese for lunch and we had a picnic.
  • I had them play for another 15 minutes before naps. They were “playing house” with Twin Crazy in charge of the front door and Twin Husky telling her that he’s “going to be right back”. It was so cute. They are like a little married couple. They were having a great time. Then it was time to go to sleep. They said they wanted to see the chickens but I told them that they were napping too. So then they were talking about the sleeping chickens.
  • While they napped I started on a sweeping project outside so that the house was a bit more presentable to Big Bro and Red for tomorrow. I was spending so much time to make things nice for them. First impressions are important and I want them to feel comfortable here.
  • I then also started a bunk-bed project. It was easy, sortof. Until you got a few steps along and then realized that the piece was the other way around because the holes are not in the right direction. Note to self for other projects going forward: read the directions a few steps ahead. I had to back track a couple of times but I think the first bunk-bed is about 65% complete. I think. I hope.
  • Twins woke up and we went outside to see the chickens. I counted 11of them. They are very friendly chickens and many came right up to us. Twin Crazy squealed and Twin Husky was laughing. We sat outside on our bench for a couple of minutes and then went back inside.
  • The other bed was delivered this AM so I opened the box outside and started to take in the pieces. The Twins were playing with Easter eggs again and listening to Toddler music.
  • We then packed up and drove back.

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    Dinner and Bedtime:

  • We picked up Red. The teacher told me how Red was talking about the bike ride. I’m so glad I was able to take her the past two days.
  • We picked up Big Bro and he was excited about the Book Fair at his school. I said it was a great idea and that we could all buy books to keep at the new house. But when we got there it was closed. It will be open all next week and Thursday will be their late night – we’ll just have to be patient.
  • We got back and all started eating snacks and hanging out.
  • I made some dinner and Twin Crazy was still very clingy.
  • Afterwards all went outside with co-parent and I sat with Twin Crazy on the rocker. We both dozed a bit. I brought her upstairs at bedtime and got her changed. I then changed Twin Husky. Big Bro and Red came upstairs and Big Bro opened the bathroom cabinet to show us where he his Red’s backpack and purse. He was laughing and I was a little more than annoyed. Poor Red. She just stood there, not knowing what to say.
  • After the twins were in their room I decided to go shopping. I kissed Big Bro and Red but they were pissed that I was leaving. The thing is they would have LOVED to come with me where I was going… HOME DEPOT!!!
  • I’ve been to Home Depot many times in the past. But never for my own home where I was living and certainly never by myself. There were several things that were MUST-GETS. I walked out of there spending a lot of money but actually less than what I thought I was, and glad to have these things purchased. Wire fencing to keep the kids away from the ledges in the front and back yards, uplights/moonlights that operate on solar power, a lawnmower, a weed-wacker, shovels and gardening gear, rakes and brooms for the kids, a shed, raspberry and strawberry bushes, a plant, some brooms, a hose and nozzle, wild-flower seeds, … …

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    I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to seeing their reactions; hopefully they will be good ones. I want Big Bro to bring a ball for “wall ball”. There is a perfect part of the house for that. I think I might want to mow the lawn. Maybe I can stay there with Big Bro and Red and work in the yard later that day. We’ll see. Tomorrow is a big day for them in their lives. And I want them to investigate, explore, and imagine. I want them to take it in at their own pace. Most importantly, I just want to be there with them.

    Have a great weekend everyone –
    – Mama K

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