Staying Sane: 9 reasons to communicate when something upsets you

December 4, 2011 by 6 Comments

Hi Mamas.

It’s Sunday night and I spend time on these evenings writing about something that I believe helps me to “stay sane”.  However, I am not the best person to follow such advice and certainly am not an expert.  So these are just my thoughts, take them for what they are.

I spent years biting my tongue over certain situations.   This has not been healthy for me, or my family.  Years later, my stance is that it’s best to face potential conflict and communicate when something is upsetting, regardless of how awkward or difficult it may be, because [please don’t take me too seriously]:

  1. Issues will just fester and cause greater distress
  2. Relationships will become strained, for those directly and indirectly involved
  3. Over time, the littlest things that happen appear and “feel” to be so much bigger than they are
  4. You have too much to worry about with work and with kids — why add another point of stress in your life?
  5. Keeping things bottled up could affect you physically – think zits, furrowed brows, headaches, grimaces
  6. The people/person may not even know that their behavior has upset you
  7. Communicating will provide an opportunity for future situations to change or the behavior to cease
  8. Communicating over some beers/wine is just another great excuse for some cocktails
  9. It is great to embrace situations where difficult communication is required – this provides great practice and can improve your effectiveness and self-confidence at it over time

So, let me get to what happened this past weekend.  I had a relatively enjoyable weekend.   The kids shined with great behavior but unfortunately there was other behavior happening in my house that I did not like or appreciate.  My in-laws were here for Hubby’s birthday and their visits always bring me an added sense of anxiety.   There has been a tug-of-war happening between them and I ever since the kiddos arrived.   I understand their need to form a bond between themselves and the kids, and I support this – however, not at the expense of the relationship that Hubby and I each have with the kids, our roles as parents, or at the expense of the children’s overall welfare.

I know that email communication is not the best.  In fact, I think it’s cowardly given this type of situation.  What I would like to do with the audience tonight is preview a [cowardly] email communication that I would like to send to my in-laws.   Please provide feedback because I would like to send it soon before the situation festers too long for me.  Or, maybe I’ll decide not to send it and just the below in black and white will be therapeutic enough for me.   Or, maybe Hubby will step in and lobby on my behalf.
 
 
 
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[In law], [In law],

Thanks for coming this weekend to celebrate [Hubby’s] birthday and also to babysit on Friday night.   I think [Hubby] had a great weekend.   Also thanks for helping with the fence and cleaning – every bit is appreciated!!!

I would like to get something off of my chest though, in the spirit of open communication.   There were two situations that happened that appear small, however there are things that underlie the following actions that are very upsetting to me.

  • Big Bro informed me on Sunday that during Saturday’s lunch with [in-law], he had something sweet but he wasn’t supposed to tell me.   He said that Daddy knew, but he was specifically asked by [in-law] not to tell Mommy.
  • On Saturday morning I overheard conversations that [in-law] was having with Big Bro, about how both of you were not going to be here for Christmas this year and how you were not sure if Santa was going to come to Big Bro’s house, but that Santa was definitely coming to your house and that maybe Big Bro should come to your place.   Or, you would maybe save Big Bro a present or two from Santa.

I’ve talked to [hubby] about it and he agrees that this is not appropriate behavior.  First of all, it completely undermines the role of a parent.  Children, particularly young and vulnerable children, should not be taught that it is OK to keep secrets from their parents.   This is just common sense.   We are there to protect them and in fact we are teaching them the exact opposite — that they should always feel comfortable coming to us at any time, with anything that is on their mind.   We are teaching them that there should be no secrets from Daddy or Mommy.   But what is most upsetting is that it puts a very young child — 5 years old!!!! — completely in the middle of any issues that may exist between you and me, which is not acceptable and not OK.   I understand and respect your need to build a bond with the children and I support that — however certainly not at the expense of my role as a parent OR by putting any of our young children in the middle of a confusing and/or tense situation.

It honestly is not healthy to do this to the children.   If this was done in humor, I would think the humor to be too complex for just a five-year old, and I do not appreciate it.    As a family you need to understand that [Hubby] and I are the parents to these children and people should respect this.  I also hope that you see how putting the children in the middle can create situations that are awkward for them — hopefully you agree that the health of these children should come first.   Having such conversations with the kids to strengthen your bond makes matters worse for us as a family and impedes creating a healthy environment for our children.

My parents have always respected [Hubby’s] role as father, our roles as parents, and have NEVER said anything to the contrary in front of the children – I would expect the same treatment from you.

Hopefully with your maturity you will see how this can negatively impact the kids.  I therefore ask that these types of discussions and insinuations with our children stop immediately.

Thanks so much – if anything is unclear please let me know.  My intent is not to cause a big issue out of this, but my first priority is to my children and if I think they are being harmed or put in an unhealthy, confusing, or un-necessary situation on purpose,  I need to get myself involved.

[Mama K]

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So ladies, am I over-reacting?   Should I bite my tongue?   Are these truly just petty comments and am I a victim of Reason # 3, above?   Have these power-plays happened with you in the past and how have you handled them?  

Even in separation situations, it is common knowledge that you should NEVER put the children in the middle.  This simply is not fair.   And I’ve been hearing comments like the above for years now.    My father in-law starts the power-play with me all the time and his comments are well thought out and purposeful.   He knows what he’s saying and knows what he’s doing.

Comments please!!!

Thanks for listening,

– Mama K

Filed Under: Staying Sane Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

December 2: A post after my work Holiday party

December 3, 2011 by 3 Comments

OK. This may be a strange post. It;s 12 am after my holiday party. I want to wrap up the week;s posts and talk about my day. I am not sober. Foirgive me for any mis-spellings. It was a great day.

  • I walked big bro to school and had the Twins with me. Big Bo was so cute making sure that his scooter was locked up with his bike lock. I love his independence and also his maturity. He looked at me with a smile when he locked the bike lock successfully.

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  • I spent a good portion of the day straightening up the house and also going through clothes. With four kids, this is always a project. I had the twins with me and they were playing the whole time as I was going through their closet. Twin Husky was being a funny guy and decided to pretend to go “night-night” on one of the shelves with his stuffed animals. So cute.

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  • Not to be gross, but I caught another “twin moment” today. I was going to the bathroom and had to switch rolls of toilet paper, and this is what the twins started doing… putting their faces on either end and talking to each other and laughing through the tube:

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  • We then finished unpacking our Holiday decorations, which included all of these fuzzy singing things; they all needed batteries so that was our project. Finding the right tool to undo the screws on the toys and then also replacing the batteries. The Twins were mesmerized. I also took out the holiday carousel and they were talking about the horsies and trying to feed them chedder cheese goldfish crackers.

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  • We had lunch together. I love this picture of Twin Crazy:

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  • After naps we picked up Big Bro and Red. I bribed them for a picture all lined up in return for animal crackers. It worked.

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  • We went shopping for hubby’s birthday. It was really cute all of us going through the parking lot together, going through the store together… they were a bit rambuncious so it was a bit difficult but all in all we did well together and they picked out their gifts for their dad.

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  • We then went food shopping for cereal. They were so cute. I got stares. They all listen so well. At check out they started to play with candy but I told them that “candy” is not on our list so they would need to put everything back where they found it. Everyone listened. Even Twin Husky. I think the line of people behind me were amazed.

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    We then got home and played around a bit. I got them dinner and then got ready to leave for my holiday party. I missed them but enjoyed my time away. And yes, I did show pictures of them to my colleagues from my iPhone. Many that I shared with you tonight. I hope I’m not too overwhelming with my attachment to my kids. But what can you do. I am who I am.

    I had a great night and will take some Advil now to prepare for tomorrow.
    Have a great weekend all –
    – Mama K

    Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

    Recipe: Golden Spinach and Sweet Potato Healthy Saute

    December 1, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    OK.  I’m going to be honest.  I feel like I’m cheating here.  This was NOT submitted by a fellow Mama In Motion, nor is it something I have EVER cooked.  Yes, I clipped it from the internet.   If anybody chooses to make it and it sucks, please let me know so I’ll know NOT to go back to that same source.  I’m also not sure how kid-friendly this is, but I thoughht the sweet potato might tip the kiddos to try it.   There is some spice to this so maybe tone it down a bit to make more kid-friendly.

    This entire recipe is sourced from:

    http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=recipe&dbid=186

    Enjoy and if you happen to make it please send me feedback!

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    Golden Spinach and Sweet Potato Healthy Sauté

    Enjoy the combination of spices that gives this spinach and sweet potato dish a unique flavor. Spinach is one of the most nutrient-rich vegetables around and the sweet potatoes add fiber and an extra dose of health-promoting carotenoids to this dish. Enjoy!

    Golden Spinach and Sweet Potato Healthy Sauté Prep and Cook Time: 35 minutesIngredients:

    • 1 medium onion, chopped
    • 4 medium cloves garlic, minced
    • 1 cup + 1 TBS chicken or vegetable broth
    • 1/2 tsp turmeric
    • 1/2 tsp coriander
    • 1/2 tsp cumin
    • 1/4 tsp cardamom
    • 1 TBS fresh lemon juice
    • 2 cups sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed
    • 6 oz frozen spinach, thawed
    • 2 TBS chopped fresh cilantro
    • This salt & pepper to taste

    Directions:

    1. Chop onions and mince garlic and let sit for 5 minutes to bring out their health-promoting benefits.
    2. Heat 1 TBS broth in a large stainless steel skillet. Healthy Sauté onion in broth over medium heat for 5 minutes stirring frequently. Add garlic and continue to sauté for another minute.
    3. Add seasonings and lemon juice and stir to mix thoroughly. Add broth and sweet potatoes. Simmer covered over low heat, stirring occasionally, until sweet potatoes are tender, about 15 minutes. Uncover to allow sauce to thicken and cook another couple minutes.
    4. Press water out of spinach and add to sweet potatoes. Cook uncovered for a few more minutes to allow sauce to thicken. Add cilantro, salt, and pepper.
    Filed Under: Recipes Tagged With: , , , ,

    December 1: A day of adventures – climbing and sailing

    December 1, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    I’m off today! Last night we had crazy wind (60 mph) – it was so bad that a neighbor’s fence came down. Poor Red was scared silly. So I caved in (again) and this is what I woke up to this morning:

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    Highlights of the Morning:

  • Big Bro was excited that I was staying home today since he knew he could scooter to school. He was cooperative but slept later than I would have liked.
  • Red was excited about wearing her new sneakers to school.
  • Twin Husky was busy eating everything. We somehow gave him a cereal box to hold and of course he was busy playing a scientist and testing the laws of gravity. This is what I turned around to see:

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  • We were running a bit late (8:10!!!) but we still packed Twins in the stroller and got Big Bro suited up for his scooter ride to school. Unbelievably, we met up with the “Motley Crew” from the houses behind ours and all rode bikes/scootered/strolled together. They were the unfortunate neighbors with their fence blown down. I knew they were looking at all the other fences (upright) and knew they were getting more disappointed since they didn’t see any other damage…. they are fun people and I’m glad I’m getting to know them better.
  • We arrived a bit late but in time for Big Bro to make it to his class with his other classmates. I told him not to worry and that I’d lock up his scooter and helmet on my way home. On the way to the building there were HUGE piles of leaves; and leaves in smaller piles on the grounds. He couldn’t help himself but to walk through a small pile and kick his foot through the pile, leaves fluttering everywhere. I had to laugh. He is such a boy. It is such a strange feeling for me to have my first born as a full-fledged BOY, and my littlest set turning so big; Twin Crazy on the potty just kills me. I think the upcoming days are going to get just better, and better, and better.
  • I walked with the neighbors back home. We had to maneuver around the twigs and tree branches. They are really funny and I enjoy their company. It is good for me to have a dose of “real people” time on my full days off. The weather was beautiful – it felt like the wind just cleared up the air and the sun was shining and the Twins were busy pointing out dogs and staring and pointing at the playground in awe. I was looking forward with my day with them.

    • Highlights of the Rest of the Day:

  • At home, I ate everyone’s left over breakfast and made a second cup of coffee. A conference call that I had scheduled wound up being canceled so that freed me up to take the Twins out on an adventure. I decided on a place that has lots of different creative rooms good for kids under 10; there are a few toddler rooms and I figured let me take them now while the bigger ones are at school. We packed up and got ready to go. Dressed, shoes on…. they are so cute that I walked into the garage and there they both were just sitting there in their strollers – looking like they were all ready to go. I had to laugh. I pulled them into the van and then they knew it was going to be a real adventure.
  • Once there we played on waterbed lilly-pads, scrambled on structures, played with stuffed animals, looked at bubbly water, and heard the sounds of creatures being piped in all over the place. It feels so relaxing there. Like you are in a rain-forest. There were lots of kids there. And lots of nannies there too, ignoring the kids and texting on their phones. I hate it when I see that.I guess since there’s so much to do there for little ones, it’s time for them to take a break. But I just jump right in with the kids. I play on the lilly-pads too. And I tickle them. And I get them to jump and play and investigate and touch and run after the stuffed animals and say hi to the other kids and ask them if they’re having fun. I can’t imagine not engaging with them even when I’m in a place like this. They received a lot of attention from other parents/adults who asked if they were Twins. I love being a mother of Twins. Absolutely love it. One interesting thing is that when I do sit back and watch them – watch them wander, watch them out on their own – they never stray far from the other. In fact, most of the time I was there they were within 5 feet of the other. Even with the other kids around. They don’t have the opportunity of interacting with a lot of other kids (besides their siblings) so I was curious how they would do; it was interesting for me to see them still side by side. When one started to play “night-night”, the other walked over right next to him/her and did the same. When one started to climb a pillow structure and balance on the top, the other waited and tried to do the same. What a special bond they share. And it is largely unspoken. Again, I think things are going to get better, and better, and better with them as well.

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  • We spent only an hour there but then it was time for lunch. How come Denny’s never fails to make the BEST hash browns and pancakes???!?!?!?

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  • We headed home for naps and I straightened up a bit, did laundry, played with iPad/blog; once Twin Husky woke up at 3:30 I decided to quickly grab everyone up again for our next adventure. I think we had just enough time to do it….. so we got in the car again, I packed up snacks for all kids, picked up Big Bro and scooter, picked up Red… and headed to the parking lot of the commuter ferry!!!! I do this from time to time… take the kids and take the ferry to the city but just stay on it and come back. While waiting for the ferry, they had a great time playing on gates, looking at the water, looking for the boat, looking at the flag, pointing to dogs, and playing with the free newspapers (advertising). They were all well behaved and stuck together; when the ferry arrived the busy workers headed FAST to their cars and we were leisurely waiting for our turn to enter the boat. The crew knows us. They welcome us. And they continuously tell us that we have beautiful children (I agree).

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  • The ferry ride was great; the sun was going down, the kids were excited about the motion and being on the water. They almost pounced on me when I mentioned “snacks” and they downed 4 applesauces, 3 tangerines, and fist-fulls of raisins. It must have been the sea air. I had a relaxing ride. There weren’t many people on the ferry going into the city so we had a lot of room to ourselves and room to spread out. Plus the ride was essentially flat so I felt they were safe. The sun was setting. The kids were happy. Big Bro commented that when you look out of the front of the boat it doesn’t seem like we’re going fast but looking from the sides, where you were right near the water, it seemed really fast. He wasn’t sure if we were really going that fast and wanted to confirm that with me. I love that. His wonderment. His observations. His questions. And how he’s learning. And how the little ones are learning too, just by hearing the interaction between us. Red, as usual, was a little “mommy” making sure the Twins were properly seated and making sure they each had proper turns with the water bottle. I am so lucky.

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    Dinner was quick and all kids ate like champs. There were literally NO leftovers (I guess it was the sea air??!?). Afterwards was a blur but I decided to get them down earlier tonight. On days that I have enough time with them I feel better getting them to bed earlier – I think they need more sleep – particularly Big Bro. On days I work however, it feels better to stretch it to 8:00 but I know that’s probably too late for them.

    I had a wonderful day; the kids had a great reunion and I was able to manage something special for all of them. I’m looking forward to the same for tomorrow.

    Til tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

    November 30: Stealing Red

    November 30, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    Half of a work day! From home! YES!!!!

    Highlights of My Morning and “Commute”:

    • Red woke me up proud that she was already dressed for the morning. However, she only changed her top. So she did great, 1/2 of the way.
    • The Twins came bounding into the room – lots of hugs and jumping. I love that part of the day when the kids are excited to see us. By the time they reach Big Bro’s age, I guess they lull in bed and you have to tear them out and ask if it’s OK to give them a morning hug and kiss. 🙂
    • Downstairs, all kids were at the kitchen counter on stools. It was so cute. They were all lined up and sharing space and eating. As Hubby made lunches, Twin Husky hurled himself on the counter to reach for sliced apples. So they really had a diverse breakfast this morning.

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    • The older kids knew that I was working from home today, and a 1/2 day. So Big Bro knew that I was going to walk the Twins to daycare and also have him scooter his way to school. He was thrilled, but Red was upset about this. But then Red also knew that I was going to “steal” her from pre-school today early, and spend some 1:1 time with her (since Big Bro had time with me 1:1 last week). She was thrilled, but Big Bro was upset about this. So there they were fighting about the time they were going to spend with me. Big Bro wants Wednesday afternoons to be “Big Bro and Red” time together with me, versus 1:1 time. I asked him if we could talk about it later since Red would also have to agree. For now, she is excited about potentially going on a choo-choo train ride, and at that point Big Bro threw himself on the floor in a tantrum.
    • The walk to school/daycare was great. We by chance met up with our neighbors who also walk/bike to the school. I call all the kids together the “Motley Crew” — I laugh about that, and of course the kids have no clue what I’m alluding to. So together we all walked/strolled/scootered/biked to school. Big Bro had a great time and felt grown up as he locked up his scooter to the chain-linked fence.
    • I then strolled the Twins to daycare and brought along a potty for Twin Crazy, just in case she feels brave enough to try the potty at daycare. The Twins love the stroller rides in the morning. I have a feeling they do not get the chance to be “really” outside during the day at daycare. We talked about the falling leaves, the leaves on the ground, the sound of barking dogs….
    • My walk back was great. It felt good to get out, walk the trail back home, see the leaves on the ground, know that the kids were all close-by. So that stroll back by myself was my “commute” home and to work for the day. I LOVE THIS NEW WORKING ARRANGEMENT….

    Highlights of my 1/2 Working Day:

    I had a great day at home working and I think that working 1/2 days at home are so much better than full days. On full days, I tended to get sluggish from the absence of people. But 4 hours at home is a breeze. It gives me just enough time to be productive and not waste time. It occurs to me that I have so many pictures posted of my kids but nothing related to my work. So here it goes — below is my working set up while at home. Comfy couch, wired computer, plenty of coffee and water. And my phones close by.

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    • I had to troubleshoot some reporting problems we have with one of the forums I am managing. There are data issues and report distribution issues that I was not aware of. I think the problem is being addressed, but it does not make our firm look good to our clients. I need to make sure this type of thing does not happen again in the future…
    • I am happy to report that I received the work in progress work for my client project from the consultant who is helping me, and it looked like a REALLY good first start. I therefore was happily and aggressively working on the deliverable – it is so much easier for me to pull something together when I have good, strong, smart people working with me and creating materials that I can simply review versus re-do. So I had a very productive morning and sent off a first draft of the deliverable to my Directors for their first review. I will need to focus on content early next week and we will meet with the client at the end of next week. I think we are in good shape so I feel great about that.
    • I then submitted my timesheet and signed off for the day. 🙂

    The Rest of the Day:

    • I went to lunch at 1:15 and ate at a great sushi place while typing on my iPad. I called Red’s pre-school to see when they wake up from nap. 2:30. Great. That gave me time to go food shopping before I stole her for our 1:1 time….
    • Red was so excited to see me. She was smiling and jumping up and down. She was literally speechless.

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    • I asked her what she wanted to do and she wanted to go shopping for new underwear for Twin Crazy. So cute. I suggested feeding the ducks first. We had a great time. She sat on my lap. There were four different kinds of ducks there all with different looks and different quacks. Some were meek and some were aggressive. We talked about the different kinds of ducks and tried to throw the bread to the meeker ducks.

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    • We then went shopping. On our way we made a list. I never walk into a store until I make a verbal list with the kids. This prevents melt-downs when I say we cannot buy random stuff at the store that they happen to fall in love with. So on our list was 1) underwear for Twin Crazy, and 2) sneakers for Red. When we walked in there I was sidetracked by blankets and Red quickly remarked “No Mommy. That’s not on our list.” I couldn’t believe it. “Thank you [Red] for keeping me on track.” So cute. Then she got sidetracked with the Christmas ornaments but she did not break down in a tantrum when we moved on because they were not on the list. We shopped for sneakers. She needed a pair with lights. We went shopping for small underwear for Twin Crazy. She picked out a package that she thought Twin Crazy would like. We stopped at a drug store for pull-ups for Twin Crazy. I found the right size and gender, and Red picked out a package that she wanted us to buy. She is so sweet. Shopping for Twin Crazy was the first thing she wanted to do with her alone time with me. I am so lucky that these kids are so empathetic with each other.

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    • We then picked up Big Bro and the Twins; I cooked a quick dinner; we tried more potty time with Twin Crazy without luck – but she loved the pull-ups (so much so that she had on about 4 or 5 pairs all over her legs). I felt like I didn’t have enough time with Twin Husky but I’ll make it up to him tomorrow.

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    I had a great day. I felt like I contributed to our family finances and then had the opportunity to steal my child for 1:1 time. Dinner and after dinner was a blur with kids and a flurry of activity but I enjoyed it; and am enjoying my couch now even more than earlier today! Wait a minute…. I hear some stifled laughing at the steps…. I better go now and be a tough-ass so these kids respect me and go to bed.

    Till tomorrow –
    – Mama K

    Filed Under: Daily Journal Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

    November 29: A DAY TO REMEMBER!!!!

    November 29, 2011 by 2 Comments

    Wow what a rough night, what a rough morning. Red woke up at 3 AM feeling clingy, needy, and refusing to let go of my hand. I broke my rule of “no kids in bed” and asked her to come with me. Big Bro heard this and he came too. So we all had a “comfy” night together in bed. I know, this is wrong. This is hard to break. But it was 3 AM and I needed sleep. And I missed my kids since I didn’t see them the night before. So it was selfish of me, too.

    I had to wake up early so I could take an 8 AM conference call in the city. I needed to take an earlier ferry. So this AM was unusual again today… and it got worse…

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I woke up to Red and Big Bro. Red was in a great mood. Asking me about my clothes, my stockings, my skirt. And how she has tights, and skirts, and how her skirts have shorts underneath. And if my skirts have shorts too? How cute. She really was in a great, playful mood.
    • Then I saw the Twins bouncing and bounding into the bedroom…. “Mommy!! Mommy!” Twin Crazy was so excited that she was jumping up and down and jumping like a rabbit over to me. Big hugs and kisses. Twin Husky was equally excited, but in his own subdued way.
    • Chocolate Tuesday! Big kids head downstairs. I get their clothes together.
    • I tried to help getting the kids breakfast and then had to pack up to catch the earlier ferry. I had coffee automatically brewed so it was easy to get my fuel for the morning.

    My walk to the ferry was nice. I am going to have a busy day today. Back to back conference calls again. It is foggy. Very foggy. As I approach the dock I wonder if it is too foggy for the boat to leave. I can’t see the boat. Was it cancelled? I get there to find out that the ferry is there, but it is full. Shit. What do I do now? What do I do about the conference call, and what does my schedule look like for the rest of the day incase I take the call from home and then try to drive into the city?

    I arrive at home, kids are surprised to see me. I look at my schedule and decide to have my admin cancel the 8 AM call and reschedule. I will try again for the normal ferry time to make it to the office for the rest of my meetings.

    • I walk in to see Red sprawled across the benches and screaming crying. Big Bro is not dressed. Twins are upstairs with Hubby.
    • I try to work hard to Red. She is very upset about something. It doesn’t look like she ate breakfast. She is clinging to me. I get her down to get her dressed. She refuses the shirt I picked out. I ask her about a different shirt. I try shirt #2. She is still bawling. I decide to take her to school and hubby take Big Bro and Twins. This puts Big Bro in a fit. He wanted me to drop them off. I promise to pick him up later today and to do scooter to school tomorrow. He didn’t get any help from me during dress time [he doesn’t need my help but he likes the attention] since I was spending so much time with Red. All of this was happening while my Admin was on speakerphone working with me to cancel/reschedule the 8 AM call. Too funny. What a collision between work and home. These collisions I always find interesting but a bit stressful.
    • I try to leave with Red and it is hard with her shoes, her lunchbox, and now she is bawling about the little red reindeer stuffed animal. You’ve got to be kidding me. Big Bro is in the doorway crying about how I’m not dropping him off. I can’t do much about this now but I will try to make their evening special in some way. Plus I need to give the Twins some time too….. hmmmmm.
    • Red drop off at pre-school was not easy. Clinging. Pouting. I made her laugh on several occasions but it wasn’t enough to turn her mood around. I left with her being held by her teacher, her bawling and reaching out to me, and me prying her little fingers off of my jacket. Uggggh.

    So, now I’m on the ferry. It’s like groundhog day. I feel like I had two mornings. And it hasn’t gone particularly well so far. Plus I’m hungry. I had barely a dinner last night (beer and bread) so I guess I’m a bit sluggish too. Plus tired from being woken up in the middle of the night.

    Work will go well today. I will have several meetings and hopefully the consultant who I enlisted to help me with my client deliverable will turn around something EXCELLENT for me. I’ve heard a lot of great things about him and how dependable he is so hopefully he gives me back something good. It will make my new work arrangement that much easier if we finally have people we can rely upon to do the heavy lifting of project work. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

    Highlights of My Working Day:
    It was a sort-of productive day, and I felt good being in the office and interacting with people.

    • I had three different 1:1 debrief conference calls for the two forums I am managing. Again, great ideas and feedback from the participants.
    • I also started to think through the organization of the Spring meetings – I sent out “Save the Date” information to all of the participants from both forums…. i still need to close out loose ends from the last meeting though…. I will need to focus on that next week.
    • I spent some time thinking through the client deliverable and am looking forward to getting the work from the consultant who is helping me. I will work on that draft tomorrow at home during my half-day and **hopefully** I will feel good about that first draft.

    I’m on the ferry now headed home to pick up the kids. They almost feel like strangers to me since I didn’t see them last night and this morning was very fragmented and rushed. I’m looking forward to getting “re-acquainted” with them.

    Dinner and Bedtime:

    • Tonight went smoothly – I did the pickups and decided to pick up Red first to give her some extra alone time with me. Dinner prep was fine; the trick I find is to keep the kids occupied. Especially now that the younger ones are starting to fight with the older ones. I had Big Bro and Red put up stick-up decorations on our windows around the house. This worked well.

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    • I broke my rule about “one meal” at dinner tonight. Usually I have the kids eat whatever we are eating, but that meant left-over stew that I knew would not be a hit. So they had home-made mac-n-cheese. The funny part was when Twin Husky started to dive into the stew, “caveman” style.

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    • We then finished putting lights up along the banister which was fun but a bit daunting. It really is impossible to keep two 22 month olds away from little white lights, especially when the lights are within reach of their little hands.

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    • The biggest milestone of the evening was when TWIN CRAZY WENT PEE-PEE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN A LITTLE POTTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I cannot believe it. When I started to change her, I realized that her diaper was sort of dry so I figured there MUST be some pee-pee in there. I asked her if she wanted to try and she ran to the door. We all gathered in and sat with her. Red even held her hand. She switched from two different little potties and was “talking” the whole time and I didn’t even realize it but lo and behold…. I saw a bit of a discoloration… and upon further investigation I realized that YES, my little pumpkin girl, my little Twin who was born at 6 pounds 5 ounces nearly 22 months ago, ACTUALLY PUT A LITTLE TEENY TEENY bit of pee-pee in there. OMG it was great. She helped me dump it in the toilet, and she flushed herself, and we all sat there and said good-bye to it as it was flushed away. We were all cheering and clapping and excited and all of us got an ice-cream treat and also I gave her extra M&Ms for going to the potty. I told her that we are so proud of her and love her so much and if she continues to go, each time she will get a treat and an M&M. She was so proud of herself. The look on her face. She started laughing and jumping and she then DID NOT WANT ME to put a diaper on her for bedtime. OMG she is not a baby anymore. She is a girl. My little girl. Big Bro drew a picture for her because he was so proud of her.

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    So today was a bit dicey at first, but ended up great, and is certainly a day that I hope to never forget.

    Til tomorrow –

    – Mama K

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    Random Thoughts: Cyber Monday!

    November 29, 2011 by 1 Comment

    So, Cyber Monday came and went. And from what I can tell, it was a big deal for retailers and actual shopping exceeded many’s expectations.

    I did not participate in it since I’m trying to tone down my shopping sprees. I KNEW that if I started with holiday shopping for kids (rational purchases), I would go overboard with items for myself (irrational purchases, considering the amount of stuff I’ve purchased for myself over this last year — refer to my post “Staying Sane: 41 ideas for yourself”).

    So I’m curious about our shopping activities of our audience. Some questions for you:

    Way to go ladies! Kuddos for stimulating the economy, creating jobs, and helping to close the Federal deficit!! Job well done!!

    Thank you for (playing) participating!!!

    – Mama K

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    November 28: Getting back to the “normal” routine

    November 28, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    Monday. After a 4-day holiday (home made play dough, visits to the beach, visit to a steam train, going out to lunch, putting up our tree…..). We were a bit rusty this morning.

    Highlights of the Morning and Commute:

    • I woke up super early since I thought I had to take an earlier ferry into the city today for an early conference call. I showered, got dressed, and 5 minutes before I was about to leave I checked my email on iPhone. Good thing I checked because the meeting was cancelled! But I had to coordinate with my admin to push back a second meeting since I would be a bit late for that. So, this morning was already a juggling act for work.
    • Red woke up first, happy. I heard Twin Husky saying “Mommy… mommy….mommy!!!”. He was walking up the stairs trying to find me. I love this with him. We’ve recently gotten much closer and I love it.
    • Twin Crazy was busy with oatmeal all over her mouth and cheeks (so cute) and also busy bringing around the “new” Christmas stuffed animals from room to room. Twin Husky was transporting them too – using the toy shopping cart.
    • I was busy this AM finishing some laundry – getting bags packed for the kids and linens for sleep time.
    • The kids were in a great mood since the tree was up. Everyone wanted to get changed and ready in the toy room where the tree was. It’s amazing what some lights and little ornaments do for a small child. Wonderment. And the Twins this year are 22 months old so this is somewhat new to them… they didn’t really “get it” last year. This year, they were helping with the decorations, pulling the decorations off of the tree, eating the gel decorations off of the windows, etc. So cute.

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    • We divided drop offs this AM. I took Red. She was clingy. It was a rough drop off. We talked about the home-made play-dough we made over the weekend, the book that she brought to school, but she was still clinging on to me and reaching out to me as I left. I think many kids were having a rough time adjusting to “school” after a 4 day block of time at home with their families.

    So now I’m on the “normal” ferry and headed through the fog to the city. Although my first meeting was canceled, I still have 3 other back-to-back meetings as soon as I get in. And one will be pushed back a bit because of me and my schedule. These are one-on-one feedback meetings, and I need to go “heads down” and focus on my client deliverable for the rest of the day.

    There are many emotions going through me lately. I am really happy with my work arrangement, for the first time in years. I feel like I have the balance that I need and that my family needs. My older kids talk about my “home days” and I’m already thinking of the kinds of activities I want to do with the Twins. Things they can’t do at their current daycare. Puzzles, reading, excursions to museums, going to the library, or just rolling around and playing with Mommy. It’s all good. This was a move in the right direction for my life, my happiness, and the experiences for my kids.

    Highlights of My Working Day:
    It was a good, busy day.

    • I led 1:1 feedback calls with two members of the 2nd forum I am managing. This is with a separate Director and he found the calls to be extremely valuable, and he personally thanked me for initiating the process. This forum has been running for 20 years and I’m trying to take a different approach where it makes sense to do so and these 1:1s are important to me to make sure we’re providing the right value to the group and also for me to develop relationships with the leaders of the companies.
    • I [finally] started to devote real time to my client project and develop the thinking into the presentation we will provide to them. I enlisted help of more junior staff to help me fill in the pieces so I think this will go much quicker than I originally planned. Whew!!
    • I led a team “re-group” where we got together to talk about business proposals, client work, team availability, and learnings as they relate to sales or even the debrief learnings from my 1:1 sessions with our forum clients.
    • For the rest of the day, I spent more time on the client project, and also had to handle some administrative items, including getting ready for tomorrow – I have another day of back to back meetings; some debrief, some sales. I’m finding that with this new work routine I need to prepare the day before since my days are generally filled with meetings – squashed into 2.5 days.

    I am now waiting for my appointment. I am feeling generally very good about things. I feel like my work is headed in the right direction. I’m thinking about the doctor appointments I need to schedule for the kids (and dentist). I feel like I’m getting my routine better coordinated and can go through these weeks with more confidence. I will miss my kids tonight though. I will probably have some time with Big Bro and Red, but not much time. So hugs and kisses and quick conversations about their day will have to suffice for now. My goal will be to connect with each of them and really listen to what they have to tell me – not just quickly say goodnight to them. Maybe I’ll ask each of them if it was good to see their friends today after the long weekend, and what did they specifically do with their friends that made them laugh. I like that.

    Till tomorrow –
    – Mama K

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    Staying Sane: Communication and getting to the root of the problem

    November 27, 2011 by 1 Comment

    On Sunday nights I usually try to post something in my “Staying Sane” series… and something happened over this past weekend that I wanted to write about. It was about a temper tantrum and a conversation that I had with my eldest son, Big Bro.

    It was Friday night. I had the kids all day and all evening, solo. We had a full day – and at bedtime all kids were pretty much wiped out. Books are a very important thing in our family. We have been very consistent with each child (the Twins got a slow start though, I’m sad to say….) and they really, really, really, look forward to books at bedtime. So much so, that our eldest kids are enjoying reading to the Twins!!!!

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    But I digress. The important thing to note is that our children love book-time at bed. And each child gets to pick out their own book for us to read.

    So it is Friday night. And I read a book to Red (“Handa’s Surprise” by Eileen Browne. I even love it.). Big Bro was busy finishing up teeth brushing so he entered the story halfway. The kids normally get into a routine where they love a book for weeks at a time and then move on to another. Well, I was reading a book that I’ve must have read 100+ times — it was not a new story. It was a story that my kids know well. And even though Big Bro missed several of the first pages he knew the story like the back of his hand.

    There was also a Spiderman book next to me. I mistakingly thought it was HIS choice of books. So I read it. Then I said it was bedtime.

    And that is when the tantrum began.

    We’ve experienced these plenty of times in the past with Big Bro. He is our first and our most spoiled. He throws himself on the ground in fits more often than our toddler Twins.

    Our conversation went like this:

    Me: What is wrong?
    BB: I want you to read that Handa book again, from the beginning. [sob sob, whine whine, cry cry]
    Me: But [Big Bro] sweetie, I said that it was book time and I asked you to sit next to me with the Spiderman book and you didn’t want to. You had your book. I read two books. I’m not going to read another book again.
    BB: NO!!!! [scream, sob, cry, yell] [while I pull him into bed]. I want you to read the book!! I want you to read the book!!!! I want you to read the book!!! From the beginning!!!!
    Me: No sweetie, I’m sorry. I said that I was ready to read you the Spiderman book but you weren’t paying attention. I read the two books for tonight. I will check on you after I take my shower [yes, I revert to this on weekends – no time for my own showers in the morning on weekends].

    So I go and take a nice shower, thinking that by the time I get out all will be well, he would have settled himself out, and things would be wonderful in the world again.

    I was wrong. He was sitting in the middle of his floor, eyes red, looking half asleep, and looking like his version of an “Occupy” standoff.

    I asked him to get back in bed. That is when the REAL tantrum started. I decided there was something more going on here. I decided to get to the root of the problem. There is more here than just a damn book.

    Me: BB, BB, BB, sweetie, please, look at me. [I kneel down and take his face so that I can look at him in his eyes]. Please calm down. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Please. I know that there is something else that’s bothering you. Please I don’t think I have the full story. Please try to calm down and tell me what is really upsetting you. It’s NOT that I didn’t read that Handa book a second time. What is it? Can you find the words to tell me what is making you so upset?
    BB: You read to [Red] but I didn’t get a book to pick out.
    Me: Oh…. you mean to say that you did NOT pick out the Spiderman book?
    BB: No.
    Me: So you didn’t GET a book to pick out for me to read to you tonight?
    BB: No.

    Oh my goodness my heart just melted into pieces. I took for granted that the Spiderman book was his book but he was the one that actually picked out the Handa book. He wanted me to read him that book and start from the beginning since it was his book that he chose and I started reading it without him. He just wanted his full turn and his full time with me.

    So of course I sat him down immediately and we read the book. Red even came over. And his body stance and how she snuggled up to me and how were were interacting and talking about the book was like a 180 degree turnaround. It was like I had whiplash.

    Misunderstandings happen. We know that. It happens all the time with our kids. And the tantrums at night can be easily over-looked as being over-tired. But seeing my child stand-off to me (in an almost peaceful sort of way) even 20 minutes later told me that I wasn’t getting it right.

    I am so proud that he took the time and through his tears to pause and stop and find his words to express what was really upsetting him. Sometimes this is very hard for kids to do. Sometimes they even forget why they are so upset. But him in his tired and half-sleep state trusted me enough to work through it with me and explain in a different way what was bothering him.

    Of course I made a big deal out of it. I told him how proud I was of him for calming his body and finding the true reason why he was so upset. It wasn’t that I didn’t read the book a second time, it was that he never had a FIRST time with a book that HE picked. I repeated this to him and I told him that this is what a mis-understanding is and that sometimes misunderstandings happen. But it is important to TALK about it and find your words that way the other person [me] can truly understand. It is important that I truly understand what is bothering him and each of my kids.

    Of course Red was there listening to all of this too. So I reiterated this lesson to both of them, again. And I apologized to Big Bro and commended him on his strength and patience and ability to express himself so clearly to me. And the hug that I gave him was strong and REAL. And he knew it.

    So I left the room with more emotions that I had originally envisioned. I felt guilty for putting him through this. But misunderstandings happen. But what he DID get to see out of this is how I took the time to work with him and talk to him and that he saw that it was very important for me to really understand what was causing his distress.

    So now I know to listen a little more, do not take situations for granted, and push each of my children to find the words and communicate to me – to talk about their feelings, why they are upset, and even the good stuff too.

    Thanks for listening –
    – Mama K

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    November 23: One-on-one time with Big Bro

    November 23, 2011 by Leave a Comment

    Today was a work-at-home day. And it was a 1/2 day. And it is the day before Thanksgiving. And we decided not bring Big Bro in for “day camp” today and save the extra money.

    That meant that I had some extra time with Big Bro, just me and him.

    • We dropped of the Twins and Red. She wanted to wear her little turkey head band again today. She is too cute. Her teacher chuckled when she saw Red back at school with the hat on. Too cute.

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    • I did some work and reached out to a number of prospects for a new forum we are trying to launch. As I did this, Big Bro watched a movie.
    • I straightened up the house and unpacked some Yankee Candles that I ordered. Pumpkin Pie and French Vanilla scents. I love candles. The house just felt warmer with them on.
    • We went out to lunch. We talked. He felt tired and rested his head on my lap for a bit. We held hands. I loved this time with him. I feel like I love him so much that my heart hurts. I asked him if I told him how much I loved him yet today, he said yes, but I kissed his nose anyway.

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    • We went shopping at Trader Joe’s for our entire Thanksgiving dinner. I love that place. We were in and out in less than 20 minutes. They had everything and the place wasn’t too crowded. There were little turkey footprint stickers leading the way to the turkeys. We left with four strips of stickers.

     

     

    Dinner and Bedtime were a bit routine; with the exception of the older kids wanting to read to the younger kids. And also Red asking me to spend some alone time with her, doing exactly what I was doing with Big Bro today. Her face looked so sweet and patient when she asked me this. It’s not like she is jealous of Big Bro – in fact, I hear them right now talking up a storm upstairs – they get along really well. I just always sense her neediness. And I feel bad for her that she went to school while he stayed at home, it’s just that I had work to do and I can accomplish things with him and not nearly as much when she is around – she is much more interactive so I can’t focus on work while she’s here.

    This does frighten me. How on earth am I going to be able to give each of these children what they need? How much more can I possibly give? Am I shortchanging them individually because I have so many children collectively?

    There’s a sense of sweetness that I’m feeling now, the night before Thanksgiving – with my children who touch me in ways I’ve never dreamed imaginable. How Big Bro took my hand at lunch and how we sat there in silence briefly just being there with each other. How Red looks at me and expresses her need to be with me – while she’s hugging me and laying in my lap. How I danced softly holding Twin Husky earlier in the evening because he seemed more tired than normal and how he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. How Twin Crazy looked at me tonight and said “I did it” and then I looked down at her foot and she had a sandal on, apparently put on by her, all by herself.

    But at the same time there is such a feeling of solitude. Loneliness. Despite the new work arrangement and the happiness that it has brought me. There is more. I need more. But I will spend time tomorrow feeling thankful for this family and what we have.

    Have a great Thanksgiving everyone –
    – Mama K

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