Staying Sane: How well do you meet your “Hierarchy of Needs”?

September 25, 2011 by 6 Comments

I had a post already written to send out this evening, but something inside me felt that I needed to talk about the “Hierarchy of Needs” that was developed by Abraham Maslow.   I’m feeling particularly out of balance this evening – after having a VERY hard weekend where I was probably doing a bit too much self reflection.

First, let’s refresh ourselves on the hierarchy of needs:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Source: Nursing Crib

“A need is something that is essential to the emotional and psychological health and survival of humans. All people strive to meet basic needs at any given time and individual’s need may be met, partially met, or unmet. A person whose needs may be considered to be healthy and a person with one or more unmet needs is at increased risk of illness or health alterations in one or more of the human dimensions.

Maslow’s framework of basic needs is based on the theory that something is a basic need if:  its absence results in illness, its presence prevents or signals health, meeting an unmet need restores health.”

Source: Nursing Crib

Let’s talk about each level and the potential implications to working mothers.

I.    PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS

These needs are physical and essentially without them the continuation of human existence ceases.   Physiological needs such as food, water, oxygen, sleep, and bodily functions must be met for life to continue.

Implications to Working Mothers:

I know from personal experience that sleep becomes a challenge.  Hours get stretched so you may not have a choice but to cut into your sleeping hours to keep all the balls in the air.   Some working mothers are NEW moms – returning from maternity leave.   In many cases, these women are still being woken up by their babies in the middle of the night.  However, this likely gets better over time.

Sex is an interesting topic.   And one that is so written about that I probably don’t need to spend much time on this.   An exhausted mommy who is also working simply is exhausted.   And yes, this impacts sex with their partners.  Full stop.  Enough said.

II.   SAFETY NEEDS

Safety is both physiological and psychological.  How safe is your physical environment?   How safe do you feel psychologically?   Do you have people you can rely upon?  People that you trust?   People that you feel close to?

 Implications to Working Mothers:

I think that this is an area that can become very problematic for working mothers.   You may not be on your “A” game at work (which may be very new to them) and may feel that your job is less secure than it was in the past.    Being responsible for not only yourself but also for the new little beings that you’ve helped to enter into the world can also be a VERY powerful feeling and weight on your shoulders.   You may also be faced with the struggle over working for money to keep the family safe — and may feel like you are working now because you HAVE to for the economic interests of the family — even if this is not what you would choose to do if you had unlimited resources.

III.    LOVE & BELONGING NEEDS

The security gained from love and belonging enhances the feeling of safety. Our feeling of structure and security is reinforced when we know where we stand in relation to others, and who we are to them. We all need mutually meaningful relationships with other people.

 Implications to Working Mothers:

This could be another area in flux with working mothers.   The time that you devoted to cultivating friendships may become less frequent.   Some working mothers have the benefit of family close-by that they can rely on, but I know A LOT of families (like ourselves for instance) where extended family is far, far away — if this is you, you may feel like you are cheating yourself, your children, and your extended family the experiences of growing with your growing family.   Extended periods of time between visits can be painful.   The extra effort required may feel too un-natural.

And then there’s the topic of sex again.   Yes, the relationship you had with your husband will forever be different with the entrance of children.   However I think this is an evolution.   In the near term things are very strained but I think eventually couples can begin to accept their new relationships with each other — change, and evolve with it.    At least I hope this is the case.

IV.     SELF – ESTEEM NEEDS

This boils down to the feeling that you are valued by others.  People who are important to you tell you that you are important and valued.   However this feeling comes from within… “it is related to the assessments of our own adequacy, our performance and our capacity in the various arenas of lives, both personal and professional and that others hold one in high regard.”  Source: Nursing Crib

 Implications to Working Mothers:

This is an area where working mothers may have the “leg-up” on other women.   But I do think that it takes time to get there.   The smile on your child’s face, the squeal of your baby when he/she sees you and so on you can probably feel immediately.   But when re-entering the workforce (after maternity leave, after being a SAHM) you may not feel like you are on your “A” game, or may feel like you have two left feet.   It may take time to honestly FEEL that approval and support from your co-workers and superiors.   But when you get it, you feel on top of the world.   Yes, the feeling like you can have it all — the children, the family, and a feeling of purpose at work where you are doing well — leads to feeling of euphoria.   You become un-stoppable.

I have found in personal experience that these feelings do come, but they often do not stay.   It’s more of a roller-coaster for me, I have my up days, and also my down days when I feel like I can’t do anything right.    But I do think that this is an area where the Working Mother can derive a tremendous amount of fulfillment.

V.  SELF – ACTUALIZATION NEEDS

I’m finding it difficult to write about this one because it is still evasive to me.    Sometimes I feel like I lost the “me” to everyone else.   And I desperately want to find the “me” again – although I know deep in my heart that woman I was before marriage and kids is far, far away – I see glimpses of her every now and then, but they are fleeting.

“The need to reach one’s potential through development of one’s unique capabilities.  The process of self – actualization is on that continues throughout life. The following are qualities that indicate achievement of one’s potential:

• Acceptance of self and others as they are

• Focus of interest on problems outside of self

• Ability to be objective

• Feelings of happiness and affection for others

• Respect for all persons

• Ability to discriminate between good and evil

• Creativity as a guideline for solving problems and carrying out interests”

 Implications to Working Mothers:

I think you need to have the time to focus on self-caring of yourself for this need to be met.    And for working mothers this is difficult.   Again, time is a valuable resource that seems to be stretched in all directions except for yourself.   It is encouraging to at least know that this need is viewed as one that continues over time – gets cultivated, changes, is in motion.    So, maybe recognize that you will be able to get there once the dust settles.   Or try to devote pieces of your week for self-reflection and objectivity.

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So why did I feel the need to post on this subject?   I feel like many of the above needs are in flux for working mothers.   But I do hope that it gets easier over time.   It also helps to explain the feelings of inadequacy, fear, and tension that you may be feeling when trying to juggle the needs of your children, the needs of your work, the needs of your partner, and the needs of yourself.
So tips for staying sane?   Maybe the first part is just recognizing that these needs are normal and apply to everyone.   They are fundamental to happiness and health.    So if you feel out of balance, extremely unhappy, or just feeling lost — try to isolate the basic need that may be unmet or partially met, and then try to take control and take action to make that situation better for yourself.    This is easier said than done, I know.
In my case, I have seriously unmet needs in terms of safety as well as love and belonging.   I also think this is true with self-actualization, but I do not expect those needs to be met at this particular point in my life.   I’ve recognized these imbalances and am trying to drive change but it has been a LONG process that has NOT been easy — and I still have a LONG way to go; but enough about me.
Hopefully this post will resonate with someone and help in some small way.   YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening –
– Mama K

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Staying Sane: Getting Away

September 18, 2011 by Leave a Comment

As some of you may know, I was away on vacation for most of last week – and just returned tonight.    What a way to recharge and feel fresh – pulling yourself out of your day-to-day routine. Different place, different bed, different food, different activities – unfamiliar language, customs, and completely different ways of living. Whether alone, with your partner, or with your kids, the experience can vary but is still refreshing nonetheless.

The gems of my most recent trip included:

  • Swimming in the Caribbean and loving the feeling of warm smooth water while looking down and clearly seeing my feet
  • Many island rum drinks; even starting before lunch
  • Meeting new special people and welcoming them into my life
  • Hearing my kids laugh and seeing them play with a new friend – even though they didn’t speak the same language
  • Late afternoon thunderstorms
  • All you can eat and drink food buffets
  • Beautiful people and gracious hospitality particularly with children
  • My kids laughing and finding EVERYTHING enjoyable
My beauty and the beach

My beauty and the beach

  • Taking afternoon naps with my kid(s)
  • The crabs and turtle that my kids always tried to spot
  • Building sandcastles
Sandcastles

Sandcastles

  • Feeling the warm sand on my feet
  • Seeing my daughter jump into the pool and look of surprise and pride on her face
  • Hubby encouraging my kids to have dessert and ice cream EVERY night
  • Giving gifts for BIG milestones
  • Just hanging and laughing with my family – my mom, dad, step-mom and brother — and seeing how they play with my kids
  • Seeing Hubby enjoy himself with my family madness and always smiling
  • Seeing my dad wasted before lunch and forcing him to eat pasta and rice to soak it up
  • Chasing the kids along the beach
  • Holding Hubby’s hand and laughing at the silly things that the kids said or did
  • Listening to the kids laugh and giggle as the were going to sleep, sharing a bed for the first time
  • Not looking at the clock except to make sure we weren’t missing a meal
  • Holding the kids on both sides of me as they slept on the plane
  • Playing fooseball
  • Warm air – even at night
  • Walking along the beach with Big Bro at night
  • Big Bro falling out of the bed and him laughing about it – and then all of us laughing about it
  • The little gecko that would appear on our back porch each morning

I’m finding that these vacations are lifesavers for me these days. And it helps to know when the next trip, the next adventure, will occur. Next month in Florida we will have a family wedding and then extra time on the beach. I can’t wait. That trip will be extra special since it will be our first big excursion with the Twins and as a family of six.

So remove yourself from YOUR day-to-day reality. Whether a short weekend in Vegas or a trek in the Himalayas or a cruise to nowhere or long weekend in the snow – make it happen and revel in those moments.

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Staying Sane: *REPOST* Keeping Perspective and Staying Connected

September 10, 2011 by Leave a Comment

I usually post a “Staying Sane” piece on Sunday nights, but this previous post (link below) seemed very fitting for me to re-submit this weekend, and tonight on the eve of 9/11.

I know my outlook on life has forever been changed because of this day.   However the impact on me seems so insignificant compared to the impact to the lives that were lost and their families.   My children are still young, but I am trying my best to teach them of the significance of this day and how to be good people – at least the showing of gratitude to fire-fighters who help to protect us and the worthiness of helping others in need.   I shudder to think of the day when they will be old enough to understand the true meaning behind this day.   My heart goes out to the families of those who were lost.

I also want to recognize a special remembrance of Chris Dincuff, who was a fellow student with me years past.  I will always remember him for his smile and positive outlook on life.  We miss you Chris.

Staying Sane: Keeping Perspective and Staying Connected.

Love to all — and thinking of my friends in NYC –

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: Partner with your Partner

September 6, 2011 by 3 Comments

I’m sorry for this late post — my goal was to distribute this last night, but the long weekend got away from me.   My apologies…

People often look at me with four kids and a demanding job where I work 5 days a week and ask – “‘how the hell do you do it??”. I really don’t have a strong reply to the is question because I oftentimes feel like I’m not doing it – or at least not to doing it well (refer to Staying Sane: Being a great mom and worker – don’t expect perfection).    I believe there are a lot of factors that go into making our crazy lives work, which I will continue to write about in future posts in “Staying Sane”.   However the subject of this particular post is the partnering that my husband and I do on a daily basis.   I always joke and commend him by saying that we are the only couple that can do what we’ve done for so long.   We are able to do the day-to-day block-and-tackling of managing 2 full-time jobs and 4 kids ages 5 and under almost flawlessly. How is that?

I think it boils down to:

1) communication (a must-have)

2) execution (a must-have); and

3) emotional connection and ability to look out for each other (in an “ideal world” — my husband and I are still actively working on this part, but this does not prevent us from getting through the day-to-day).  I believe this provides a very strong foundation that in turn makes everything else work so much easier.  However, if it is not there (yet) things can definitely be do-able, but it will be more difficult.


1.  Communication – Work Together as a Team

My husband is a very hands-on dad and he shares responsibility of caring for the kids as I do. I think there was a time when I did more, but I’ve pulled back and he’s stepped in without a hitch.   This really needs to be done if both parents are working full-time. 

We have a system together. We communicate on the logistics daily and sometimes throughout the day. We are big on text.   We sometimes call each other during the day.  We leave email and voicemails on various topics.   We communicate future work requirements (e.g., late meetings, out-of-town travel, etc.) and we back each other up.

When we are in the “thick of things” with our children, we typically have our “routine roles” especially in the AM rush hour out of the house and also at dinner time.  We are in constant communication then too.  We check-in with each other to make sure the ball isn’t getting dropped or that we’re not headed for a tantrum.   When I finish one of my tasks (e.g., diapers) I check in on his progress (e.g., lunches) and I pick up wherever he has left off (and vice versa — who has been already diapered?  Twin Crazy or Twin Husky?).   This back and forth communication occurs throughout the morning until all kids are safely packed in our mini-van (did you get the shoes?   Are the lunches in there?   Does everyone have their jacket? etc.).    The same happens at dinnertime and bedtime.  “What else needs to be done?” “I’ll get the Twins started on some food before the rest of the dinner is finished.” “Who still needs to brush teeth?”  “Are the Twins down?”     It sometimes feels like we have an abbreviated language with each other as both of us are rushing around — I laugh when I visualize walky-talkys.  

Through my research in talking with other working mothers, here are some other ideas:  

  • “Create the to – do list and together decide on the things that REALLY need to get done and the things that don’t. Prioritize and focus on the things that MUST get done together.”
  • “‘We’ is important. Have your husband as a full partner (in terms of sharing the load and helping prioritize). Share the load and both choose what to let go together.”
  • My partner and I work very hard to get important things done as a team. Sometimes it involves a lot of negotiation, sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it ends in explosive arguments

However you may feel like your partner is not doing his/her 50% — so how to achieve more balance?

2.  Execution – Divide and Conquer

If you are familiar with the entries on my Daily Journal, you may already see how we try to divide and conquer:

  • Hubby is usually up and getting the kids their breakfast in the morning.   He also starts their lunches.
  • I am usually the one that covers their clothes.  I help to get the older kids dressed in the morning and also do the diaper changes for the younger ones.
  • I usually also have responsibility for the bag — getting the kids clothes organized, diapers, wipes, shoes. Or other bags for the older kids if needed (nap sheets, blankets).
  • We talk about dinner usually the day of (we are terrible about advance planning and both of us are capable of dinner prep – we usually trade-off – while one is cooking the other is getting stuff on the table, unpacking, or handling kid issues).
  • Both of us are actively involved in bedtime routine with the kids. We sometimes divide and conquer with the kids (one take older ones, one takes the younger ones) but if all the kids are quiet and in good moods, we’ll both do the Twins first (with Big Bro and Red participating in that) and then move onto Older kids.
  • In terms of food shopping, he usually does any bulk shopping at Costco; I tend to do the in-between shopping at Trader Joe’s or elsewhere for necessities or other specialty items on our “favorites” list.
  • We outsource laundry (Mother’s Helper) and cleaning (housecleaner, about 1x a month) when we can.   When we cannot, I take over laundry and Hubby takes over cleaning.

Through my research and talking with other working mothers, here are some other ideas:

  • Make a list of all the things you feel that MUST get done. Then give it to your partner and let him/her cross things off. The look at what is crossed off, and take it seriously.
  • Invest the time in doing a better split of the household work to alleviate rebuild up of resentment.  Week on / week off each with responsibility for meals that includes the shopping and planning) Divide laundry responsibility.
  • Training of the husband.  He has very concrete task he is in charge of that I don’t have to remind him to do. He takes out the trash, makes the kids lunches in the morning before school. Puts the kids to bed. He is in charge of all MD visits. We figured out things that he feels competent at that he doesn’t mind doing – so it’s not a big battle.
  • If one person is on, the other better be on too! So while one of us does bath/bedtime, the other is making our dinner or folding laundry, while one is walking the dog, the other is changing a diaper, etc.
  • Create and agreed plan and then stick to it – don’t bail the other our if they don’t engage (e.g., if you come home and there’s no dinner on his night just go out by yourself or wait for him to fix a meal) otherwise it will never stick.
  • Do advanced meal planning and divvy up the shopping. One person shop and plan 3 – 4 meals on the weekends, and the other shop and plan 3 – 4 meals during the week. Since grocery stores are open late, you can go after the kids go to bed. This would enable less time shopping, cooking, and worrying about what’s for dinner. And no more discussion about “who’s turn it is”.
  • You create the shopping list and have your partner go out shopping during the week.

3.  Emotional Connection – Look out for Each Other

This is a topic that should seem so obvious.  Simply said, members of a team actually behave like team-members, back each other up, and care for each other.   When one is faltering, the other steps in (if its OK and welcomed).    You are able to pick up on your partner’s emotional ques and know when the other is having a tough day — and that is not OK for you.   You communicate with your partner and see where you can help.   You remember who was here before the kids came along.  And you fight and invest to preserve that special partnership.  You fight for time alone with each other and make date-night a priority.

This is an area that me and Hubby are still working on; but we are getting better at it.  It seems so foundational to the relationship.  How can people effectively work together as a team when you feel like you are not connected as a team?   The term “co-parenting” is used so frequently (couples that just ‘parent’ together but somehow have lost what brought them together in the first place) and I truly believe there are many couples out there facing similar situations.   Again, we are still working on this.   I can’t pretend that we are doing this well and we have been abysmal at this in the past.   But we are turning a corner – and things are getting better.

It is comforting to know that your partner is at your side, is supporting you, believes in you, and is on your team.   You reinforce each other.  You communicate your desire and need to be together as a team.  It can be simple… a short neck rub in the middle of the chaos, a quick hug to keep each other going, stopping to look into each others eyes and laugh when the kids say/do something funny.   Knowing that you can get through this with your partner at your side.   Knowing that you are a better person and a better parent because he/she is there too.  Positive reinforcement when you see how well your partner handled a tough situation.  It is comforting to know that you can crumble into each other’s arms at the end of a hard day and admit “shit that was a really tough night”.

What others have said:

  • “be kind to each other”
  • “Repeat the mantra “he is capable, he cares and I need to let him do it his way.”

I found a great series of blog entries that concisely provides some pointers on how to better connect with your partner – they essentially talk about approaches and tactics to use to communicate with your partner that brings him/her closer to you, versus distancing them from you.  Much is so intuitive but I can see that putting these tactics into practice can be difficult.   It could require changing how you currently communicate, interact, approach, and adjust your frame of mind in certain situations.  I can see how it could take time to re-learn and make the approach second nature.  And you need both people to want to actively engage in a new  way.   Take a look: 

Just Ask:  http://barefootbarn.wordpress.com/2010/02/18/just-ask/

Choosing Words and Body Language:   http://barefootbarn.wordpress.com/2010/07/18/partner-communication-tip-2/

Speak Their Language:   ( by the way I love this book — The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman — I highly recommend)http://barefootbarn.wordpress.com/2010/08/20/partner-communication-tip-3-speak-their-language/

Its Your Choice:  http://barefootbarn.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/partner-communication-tip-4-its-your-choice/

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In closing:

I am fully aware that I would not be able to have the kind of job that I have if it were not for Hubby and the active way that he parents and involves himself in our children’s lives.   I appreciate this from him but at times it still is difficult – we’ve managed to get through it by pro-actively communicating to get through the block-and-tackling that we do each and every day.   We divide and conquer.   And we are getting better at keeping in touch with each other, and remembering why these children entered our lives in the first place.

I would be very interested to hear how others are managing this – what have you found that works well to team with your partner?  What other tactics do you use?  What do you find to be helpful to get through the days/weeks/months with your partner? 

Thank you for listening –

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: Being a great mom and worker – don’t expect perfection

August 28, 2011 by 2 Comments

Part of being a person is fulfilling on the different roles that you play – whether friend, daughter, sister, wife, worker, mother. When we are little and life is simpler, there really is no juggling act. When we enter the workforce the juggling act is between friends, family and work is still manageable – especially if you become friends with your peers at work.   It becomes harder when we become girlfriends – at that point we do juggle between our friends, family and partners.  Time starts to feel stretched.   You get married, and there are tradeoffs.  Then a child comes along.   Even though this evolution of roles occurs over time, nothing can prepare you for the juggling act when a child arrives (I know, all of you know this!).  When you have to go back to work, it can feel like your world is caving in.

Simply stated, it is almost impossible to fulfill expectations of being a good friend, family member, partner, worker, and mother, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  You may try, but you will exhaust and deplete yourself in the process.   The best advice I could give ANYONE is simply to expect less than perfection and be OK with whatever it is you can manage to do.  I’m going to be writing a series of posts related to “staying sane” but this one is focused on the simple mental acceptance that you cannot do it all – the notion of a PERFECT working mother who seemingly can do it all and continue to excel at work and have a spotless home with charming children just does not exist.   Your expectations need to change.  You need to think about what is important and focus on that. Your way of living will forever be changed when kids come along and you need to re-adjust your expectations of how you work, how you live in your house, the relationships with your friends, and even the relationship with your partner.

I did NOT want to return to work after each pregnancy. I LOVED each of my maternity leaves and loved being home with my babies. I went on walks, went on outings, and really had fun with them — I loved teaching them things and singing, dancing — pointing at trees and talking about flowers and looking at the sky at airplanes.  In my experience (remember I did this three times) being pregnant, having maternity leave with your child, and then returning back to work felt like I had two left feet. IT WAS NOT EASY.  IT STILL IS NOT EASY.  What should have felt normal for me at work felt very, very different.

After Big Bro:

After Big bro was 4 months was counting down the weeks to the end of maternity leave. I did not want it to end. the day finally came. I bravely put on a smile and said to myself that I could get through it. It’s just another challenge that I will have to overcome. It was the hardest day of my life. It felt so unnatural. I think the hardest thing a woman can be expected to do is return to work after the birth of a child, especially her first.   I had been with my son for 9 months when he was in utero and then another 4 months for maternity leave and now somehow I wound up in a situation without him. It felt un-natural. Pumping at work felt unnatural. Counting the hours and feeling impatient on conference calls felt un-natural. Things that would normally get me riled up at work seemed all of a sudden insignificant. What a metamorphosis occurred.

First day after maternity leave with Big Bro as a baby

First day after maternity leave with Big Bro as a baby

For that first year, I tried to do it all.  And I tried my best. I wanted it ALL. I remember all too clearly taking Big Bro in as a baby in a stroller on my way to work to drop him off at daycare. I remember some mornings doing this EXTREMELY early — taking him out of his crib and leaving before Hubby even woke up, so I could be there for an 8:00 AM conference call. I remember the exhaustion of working all day on client commitments then running out the door to pick up Big Bro from daycare and walking home – to then figure out dinner and maybe play with him for 30 minutes before he went to sleep. Then working on my computer some more. I also remember when client commitments were heating up, I would wake up in the middle of the night and work on PowerPoint presentations. I remember Big Bro not sleeping through the night until he was 8 months old. I remember trying to keep up with my peers at work and feeling like a duck above water that was calm cool and collected but under that water my feet were scurrying like you wouldn’t believe. I remember the days went into each other and there was no relief. I remember wanting to do more at work the way I used to but it was just soooooo damn hard to do the basic requirements of the job. I suddenly went from an A player to a C player overnight. I had VERY a hard time dealing with this.

I also remember trying to merge the worlds of “work” and “family” and failing miserably.  I tried. But it just didn’t work for me. I remember days picking up Big Bro from daycare and taking him up to my office since I still had some work to do.  This poor kid was cranky and hungry – but I would get irritated and actually get annoyed at him for wanting to touch my computer keyboard especially if I was trying to send an email to a client.  Thinking back on those days disturbs and disgusts me.

This went on for one year – and after that time, I tried to assess where I was and where I wanted to be. I made a BIG decision – I changed my attitude, big time.   I no longer thought of my work as a “career”, but as “job” instead.   I just stopped expecting so much of myself.   I went in, did my work, and got out.  I stopped trying to over-achieve.  I did the bare minimum and just tried to get myself through the damned day/week/month.  Since I did not want to become less of a mother, this was really the only acceptable solution at the time.  I still worked 5 days a week, and still did the travel when required, but I learned to say “NO” to extra projects, I learned to turn away work / proposals if I thought I was too busy (even if I knew that others were busier than myself). I knew that this strategy would have consequences but I made that decision for myself.  But, as soon as I made that decision to step back and look at this as a “job”, I suddenly became happier. This may not have been the right approach, but I thought it worked for me at the time (thinking back, I should have been brave enough to make a much bigger change — to a less demanding job – but that is in hindsight).
After Red:
After Red was born, I again loved being with her. My little girl. I enjoyed learning of her little squeaks and sounds that were so different as a girl compared to a boy. She was my little baby red-head and she got lots of attention even as a bald baby. I again went through the routine of the end of maternity leave and return to work. The pressure was big at that time. Now we had two kids in daycare and a HUGE expense. At that time I was making considerably more money than Hubby so there was no option for me but to return to work full-time. I ached inside.   And the second time was NOT any easier.   I had a double stroller and would get both kids out and walk to work, do the drop off and head to work.

My first day back from maternity leave with Red as a baby

My first day back from maternity leave with Red as a baby

My morning commute with Big Bro and Red

My morning commute with Big Bro and Red

After the Twins:
The twins swere born after 2.5 months of bed rest. I also took 5 months off for maternity leave with them. Mothering baby twins was quite different than “singletons” and I again enjoyed and felt lucky to have the time with them. I remember when I returned to work after the twins, I just felt drained. The feeling of going back did not get easier.  And the pressure was mounting with FOUR kids in daycare.  It felt so illogical to me. Why am I doing this? I have these four beautiful children and why can’t I spend time at home with them? Doesn’t having FOUR justify the ability for me to spend more time at home with them????   WHY AM I DOING THIS????  THIS IS SO UNFAIR!!!!

My first day back from maternity leave with the Twins

My first day back from maternity leave with the Twins

But life is not always fair.  And sometimes families do not have all the choices they may wish over whether one can stay home with the children – even if you do have four of them!

Trade-offs.  Be careful what you choose to sacrifice. For example, walk away from dirty laundry but still keep that commitment for date nights. Let dirty dishes sit so you can have a conversation with your child. Walk over the dirty clothes and piles of crap in your house to make room to do a puzzle with your child.   You can’t do everything well all the time.  Don’t expect this of yourself.  Your house will be messy.  Be OK with that.  You won’t be able to make home-made meals all the time.  Don’t worry – your kids won’t hold it against you.  It’s OK if you drop your kids off at daycare with no make up — other mothers have been there too.   Don’t judge yourself.   My house usually looks like a disaster and ask my hubby – I don’t clean ANYTHING and it is a chore just to keep the up with the clothes (that someone else washes and folds for us).  I came across a great description of a one mother’s feelings and emotions on this topic – and the conclusion she came to was that she be appreciating the fact that she was doing the best she could:  How to be a working parent

This is easier said than done.  Even now at times I have those nights when I am extremely stressed at work when I quickly lose patience with the kids because I know the amount of work that I still need to do.  I hate that feeling of my kids getting in the way of my work. As such a devoted mother, I still cannot believe that I still am able to let those feelings creep into my psyche.   The juggling act between work and being a mother is still haunting me.  I still have not figured out the right answer for me and my family and am still working through this process. I think this tension between work and motherhood will always exist for me and be a source of stress.  But at least now I recognize that I can’t do it all and it is OK.  That is the biggest learning for me and the first step to becoming happier with who I am as a mother and who I am as a colleague.

So I’m going to sign off now and go upstairs and kiss all four of my kids – we have a big day tomorrow.  Tomorrow will be the first day of Kindergarten for Big Bro, and the first day of a new Pre-school for Red.   I decided to work from home tomorrow because of these big milestones.   And I’ll try to make a good dinner while at home to help celebrate with the family.

Thanks for reading –

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: 41 ideas for yourself

August 14, 2011 by 7 Comments

Through my research of talking with other working mothers, reading email list boards, web surfing other mommy blogs, it becomes painfully clear that to maintain sanity and keep the balls in the air, you need to stop from time to time and take care of YOU, the juggler. It is so easy to get trapped into being 100% devoted to your first child — but when you re-enter the workforce after maternity leave, you very quickly realize that there isn’t enough of you to go around for child, for work – let alone yourself. I was one of those women over the past 5 years that essentially gave up on who I was as a person – I still tried to have EVERYTHING. I wanted the job/career, I wanted the kids – but mathematically that just can’t happen with just two goals let alone fitting some time for myself in there too. I’m sure you’ve heard all over the place that one way to give more happiness to your kids is to make sure YOU are happy, recharged, revitalized. Not a depleted, sorry mess. Which is easier said than done.

For the past 5 years I absolutely DID NOT take care of myself. I lost myself into my babies and my work — and the person I was before children essentially disappeared. I remember one time the wife of one of Hubby’s friends, who is a stay-at-home mom, told me that her husband carved out time to enable her to take TWO different art classes. She asked me if I’m able to do anything like this. I looked at her like she had three heads. I work full-time. At that time I had two small kids. NO I did NOT have time for an art class. I responded to her: “Um, I take a shower for 5 minutes each day but even then there’s usually a kid on the outside pounding to get in.” Hubby and I did not have date nights. The “girls nights” I used to organize just stopped. It became harder and harder for me to make my quarterly trips to the East Coast to “get back to my roots.” The problem was not that I didn’t have the time to do these things, it was that I was not ALLOWING or DEMANDING that I get the time to do these things. The result was that I lost the essence of the person I was before children. I became completely depleted and alone — feeling like I had no friends, no outlet, and that no part of my life was for me any longer. For this and other reasons, I felt lost and stuck in a very, very dark place. But then I dusted myself off and proclaimed that 2011 is the “Year of [Mama K]”.

Since it was the Year of Mama K and since I’m a woman of extremes, I went a little crazy focusing on ME. After years of pent-up self-deprevation, I suddenly went hog-wild on anything related to ME, MYSELF, or I. It was actually a lot of fun during the process.

  • I purged my entire closet and donated about 9 garbage bags of dated, old clothes
  • I proceeded to buy beyond belief via online shopping with Amazon.com. Seriously, I think I became one of their top-tier customers overnight. I started with shoes. I must have purchased 9 pairs of high, high heels – ranging from silvery numbers to gold-tone crystally numbers, to commutable flat shoes, to various boots, to leopard stilettos, to new Tevas and it just goes on and on.

These a just a few of my new purchases for ME

  • I then went to shirts, dresses, belts, bags, costume jewelry…. I enlisted the help of friends who said my wardrobe MUST contain designer jeans (who honestly pays $250 for a pair of jeans??) and a trench coat so I still need to get them. I also need to physically go shopping for pants (I cannot do that online). I’m about 60% complete with replacing my entire wardrobe. Just in time for a NEW season! HA!!!!!!
  • Massages — yes I got them, I think 3 of them so far in the past 4 months.
  • Online make up — with COLOR versus my standard natural palate. Check out Bare Essentials – I love that stuff now. I decided to expand beyond my natural palette and experimented with blues, purples, and smokey gray/black shades. Love it.
  • Nails, pedicure, lotions, bubble baths. I also bought a Clarisonic for deep cleaning my face. I’m also big on at-home mud masks.
  • A trip to Florida to see my dad was my most extravagant splurge. I just needed to re-charge. I took Twin Crazy with me. I had not been to his house in 4 1/2 years which I think is pathetic.
  • I’ve been meeting friends for lunches and dinners. I try to do this at least every other week. I tend to drink during these meetings and get tipsy over just 1 drink! One night I got so drunk that I had to leave my car in the city and a friend had to drive me home — she literally went 45 minutes out of her way to do this for me. [Thank you Mama HJ]
  • Starting this blog I think is another way for me to talk about me. It’s still focused on work and my kids, but it helps me to use this outlet to describe how I feel and what is going through my head. Plus NOBODY tells me what to do. I control this project all on my own. I ask advice but I’m the one that owns this baby.

So essentially, I went COMPLETELY overboard. Even people at work know that this is the Year of Mama K — since I’m showing off all of my new outfits and there are Amazon boxes all over the place. I realize though that I cannot keep up the spending spree, although it was gloriously fun. Since I’m already on a roll with “Year of Mama K” and thinking selfishly, I decided to keep the momentum going and started to brainstorm some simpler things to be good to myself WITHOUT breaking the bank. I worked on this until I hit #41 as a goal (my age). You may enjoy some of these as well…

  1. EXERCISE — moms are continuously talking/writing about this. Start out slow. Go for a walk just to breath and let your mind wander. Build up to a stronger workout when ready. Either alone or with kids (walking, riding bikes, hiking). Try DVDs like Pilates, Yoga. Try walking or exercising on your lunch hour. Rotate evenings with your partner so each of you can have time to exercise.
  2. CONNECT WITH PEOPLE. Use commuting time to call friends to say hello. Try to reconnect with one “lost” friend every month.
  3. Home spa: Facials, mud-masks, exfoliate! Foamy bubble baths! Make a weekly ritual.
  4. go out a grab a fancy coffee — one with a really long name that is preferably high-calorie
  5. read a book (not child-related)
  6. subscribe to a magazine on a topic that only I will enjoy
  7. meditate, deep breathing
  8. sleep; ask Hubby for one weekend morning OFF from kid-duty to allow for extended sleep. [maybe make this a ritual and trade-off – one take Sat morning and the other take Sun morning]
  9. take a nap
  10. eat consistently – don’t skip meals
  11. Take vitamins
  12. plant flowers; grow some herbs
  13. Get a new haircut. From an upscale place you have not been to before. Maybe get adventurous and do some color too!
  14. Go to a wine/beer store and pick something out that looks exotic and fun that was NEVER had before. Crack it/them open with Hubby or friends
  15. Take a walk to nowhere
  16. Take a drive to nowhere on a sunny day. Roll down your windows. Blast music. Sing loudly.
  17. Take a ferry ride to nowhere
  18. Take a train to nowhere
  19. Download music and create a folder/ playlist only for my favorites. Make a point to LISTEN to this music on a daily basis – with or without the family
  20. take 15 minutes every day or so to lay or sit in the sun — soak in that vitamin D.
  21. Find a hobby and spend short bursts of time routinely to cultivate it. Pick an instrument and learn to play it. Experiment with painting/watercolor. Learn to knit. Learn to sew. Learn a different language.
  22. take a short weekend getaway by yourself, with hubby, or some friends
  23. do a “girls only” vacation
  24. rent a hotel room for a night in the neighborhood — either alone, with hubby, or a girlfriend. Enjoy the fresh sheets, use all the towels that they offer, throw them all over the place, and take home the lotions and shampoos. Use the indoor pool, exercise room, hot-tub. Or not.
  25. go to a park and have a picnic. Drink a beer. Lay down under a tree and take a nap.
  26. go to the library alone and sit down with a book
  27. buy some fun hair accessories – clips, bands, fun pony-tail bands, barettes
  28. buy a SOFT pair of pajamas
  29. get a pair of new slippers
  30. buy new / comfortable yet sexy underwear and bras
  31. Go dancing. Or dance in the house with the kids
  32. Have a Guinness (or many)
  33. Get engrossed in a HBO series (I love True Blood, Treme)
  34. Eat a chocolate sundae with extra fudge
  35. Make yourself a nice tea, in a BIG teacup — buy a teapot where you have the strainer and real tea leaves
  36. Get a water fountain over stone set up — very “zen-like”
  37. Use a sound machine and pretend you’re at the beach! Or in a Rainforest!
  38. Wake up before ANYONE else does and go for a walk
  39. Write a blog entry; surf the net, comment on interesting blogs
  40. Get a Wii with dancing, etc.
  41. Explore a new part of your neighborhood. Discover streams, trees, and houses you never were aware of

We owe it to ourselves to get back some of our “old” selves and also allow ourselves the opportunity and time to get to know our “newer” selves. As new moms and working moms in particular, we are always transforming and changing…. trying to figure things out — we need time to devote to ourselves to allow us to recharge and find ourselves. I can’t joke or pretend that any of the above will bring true happiness, but I do think that allowing myself time for ME on a consistent basis will at least help me feel happier, more connected with who I am, let me know the person I have become/am becoming, and possibly/ HOPEFULLY help to balance work/kids/life…. just by demanding some more of ME.

Please help me!!!! Let’s start a MOVEMENT here!!!! Think about more things to do just for YOU!!!! What do you do for you? What would you LIKE to do to reconnect with your old or newer self? Please do two things for me: 1) comment to this post and add your ideas — and keep the numbering going (e.g., first commenter please start at #42…. ) and 2) Please pass this along to others.

How many new ideas can we realistically brainstorm???? Can we get to 500? 1,000? More???? I think so.

And then make a promise to yourself to fulfill the ones that interest you. You deserve it, your family deserves it, your kids deserve it.

HAVE FUN!!!!!

Looking forward to hearing responses —

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: A Mother’s Helper is worth his/her weight in gold

August 1, 2011 by 1 Comment

It wasn’t until AFTER I ran myself ragged and became utterly exhausted (seriously… both mentally and physically) that I demanded more help.   Our family has always been big proponents for daycare but honestly after working all day and doing multiple drop-offs, cooking dinner, cleaning up, doing dishes, doing bedtime routine, doing laundry, and dealing with crying kids, I was PRAYING for a solution such as nanny to make things easier on our lives.   However, the nanny option is not for everyone and they are also quite expensive where we live.   It is also great to have help from family, but our families do not live that close and sometimes their “help” often came with opinions — or, we just didn’t feel comfortable asking them for the real help we needed.  We came to a conclusion that the busiest time of day was after work up until bedtime.  So we arranged for “help” during those hours only – and this was in the form of hired help — a Mother’s Helper.

What does this “help” entail?   Essentially everything that you don’t want to do so that you can relax and spend more quality time with your children.   Let me emphasize this further…. EVERYTHING that you DON’T want to do so that you can RELAX and spend more QUALITY time with your children.

For our family, duties have included:

  • assisting with dinner prep; table set up
  • dinner cleanup
  • primary responsibility for all laundry (gathering, sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting away) – kids and adults!!!
  • taking out trash, taking out compost daily
  • help with bed-time routine (diaper changes, getting in PJs, reading books, etc.)
  • help entertaining/trouble shooting with any of our children
  • other projects, as needed (vacuum, sweeping, cleaning out refrigerator, going through old/small clothes, etc.)
  • playing with kids, helping kids pick up their toys

We advertised on Craig’s List and received 10 – 15 responses to our ad.  We did NOT need an experienced person as a nanny.   All we needed was someone who was conscientious, could follow directions, and use common sense with our kids.    We also wanted someone who is punctual, dependable, eager, energetic, and generally enjoys children.  We also wanted someone who lived close by and had their own form of transportation.

Our Mother’s Helper comes from 6:30 – 8:30 PM.   We start dinner and eat dinner as a family while the Mother’s Helper is at work.  After dinner, we play with our kids and engage with them.   We talk to them.  We play with them.  They climb on us.  We tickle them.    We get them ready for bed and read to them.   We sing and hug them once more and say goodnight.   When we come down from tucking our kids in, the kitchen is spotless, the house is tidied up/organized, the dryer is going, the dishwasher is going, and me and Hubby can sit down and RELAX.

With our last Mother’s Helper (and we intend to start this soon with our new person once she is ready), we had her stay later one night a week and Hubby and I did “date night” — essentially we put the kids down for bed and the Mother’s Helper is there for them while we are out — so really no need to put extra responsibility on her.   She is there if there is a cry in the night or a plea for water.    And Hubby and I get a date night at a reduced babysitter rate.

This works wonderfully for our family and the change in stress level was IMMEDIATELY noticed as soon as we hired someone to help us.    I highly recommend this strategy — you ask, they do.   And your kids get more of you.   It’s a win, win, win scenario and I can’t believe we didn’t do this sooner.

Looking forward to feedback, comments, or other suggestions from folks –

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: Keeping Perspective and Staying Connected

July 29, 2011 by 2 Comments

My life as a working mom is hectic, presents itself with various logistical challenges, causes great tension, confusion, and anxiety in my day to day life. I am absolutely amazed at how quickly and easily I can get completely immersed in my own world, with blinders on separating me from everything else going on around me.   Sometimes it takes days or weeks for me to call back a family member or friend.   Looking at things globally, of course I know we are at war but it is difficult for me to talk intelligently about the specific combat tensions that are currently going on or even worse, the number of lives that have been lost.   I am also like this with politics. I know that the Speaker of the House cries a lot, but I’m not really sure why exactly he is crying or if he is particularly effective at what he does.

I am also acutely aware that when I DO succesfully peel the blinders back, there is of course an impact but honestly it fades over time. Situations can be etched in my memory, but my day to day continues.   On a light note, I’ve certainly experienced this resulting from travels to far away places – for example, I was able to see, smell, and witness different ways of living in Cambodia, Laos, India, Africa…. children in streets, villages and huts, harvesting rice fields…. but then these memories fade several weeks if not days after my return back to Western civilization.  The impact of 9/11 has forever shaped my outlook on life but I no longer dwell on it day to day.  The deaths of my friends that I have already experienced, particularly young people who have died ENTIRELY too young, do haunt me from time to time but the pain and intensity of emotion have subsided — now I think back on them happily instead of with a heavy heart or demanding an answer the question “Why?!!?!?!?!?“.

 

World Trade Center, post 9/11

World Trade Center, post 9/11

"Mama L" and our friend, Chris Dincuff, who died on 9/11. He was 31.

"Mama L" and our friend, Chris Dincuff, who died on 9/11. He was 31.

I would like to change this. I believe that if I peek outside of my “normal”, and make a conscious effort to build this into my thinking, I will be able to better appreciate what I DO have despite my perceived craziness of my life.  The incident in Oslo, Norway is one example. The devestation, starvation, death and flight in Somalia is too intense for me to really wrap my head around. I just can’t believe that so many people can be living and dying in such conditions yet so many people in the world do not even know the true extent of the tragedy (including myself until a few days ago). This overall lack of awareness is sad – but I am part of it too.   Is it that people just cannot mentally process too much pain? Disbelief? Is it easier just to turn away?

I am happy to report that consciously peeling back my own blinders and opening up my own awareness has really helped me to recognize the good in my life. I’m able to better appreciate what I have in my life even though it is so crazy and crushing at times. I have four wonderful, beautiful, healthy children. I have a husband who loves me. I have a job where people look to me for my opinion. I have a house that keeps my children safe and warm. I have two refrigerators. I have lots of shoes in my closet. I think I look good for my age. I am finally beyond the baby stage. My kids make me laugh. I’m wearing something comfortable right now. There is cold beer waiting for me at home right now.

I’ve also decided to try to make a difference where I think I can.

For one, I am going to work at making more of a difference to those around me…. to be a better friend and family member, to connect and reach out when I see people in need. I’ve learned that everyone has their own “worlds and issues” and I may have a small way making a difference. Like how friends of mine reached out to me when I started having a difficult time several months ago (THANK YOU by the way!!!).  It makes me feel better when I let go of my blinders and connect with others on a deeper, personal level. The other day an acquaitence from the ferry reached out to me and I could see so clearly the pain in her own face… the rat race and juggling with kids – “You are not alone” is all I had to say to her, along with a hug, and we were both feeling better.

Second, I am going to try to stay abreast of world events even though most of what you hear these days is terribly disturbing. I’ve been absolutely haunted about Somalia. It did not take much… one photograph. I then I researched more, and saw more, and then got more and more upset about what was happening and why I have not opened myself up to become aware of how bad the situation is. No food, no water, people fleeing their homes. And suffering. There are many reputable organizations focusing on these issues and I want to do my part. If you would like to join me in this effort, please consider donating to Unicef or Doctors without Borders.

These are just some thoughts for now. I’ll let you know the progress. But also keep me honest!!!!!! I’d appreciate feedback and also reminders from time to time. And if you get a random email or phone call from me just to see how you’re doing, then you know that I’m trying to stay connected, keeping perspective, and am working to do it!

Thanks for listening –

– Mama K

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Staying Sane: Back to School Supplies

July 25, 2011 by 3 Comments

I am a BIG proponent of organization in general.   You should see our house.  We have bins for everything.   Toys, clothes by size and gender, art supplies, mementos, etc.  This particular topic on school supplies doesn’t really apply to us just yet since our eldest, Big Bro, is only starting Kindergarten in the Fall.   But I just received some great insight on how to deal with back to school supplies from Mama J from San Diego.   I love this concept since it aligns with my general approach to bins and organization, and also gives me a head-start on planning for the future of school years.   Oh the tears are starting to form so let’s just get right to her advice:

“[Big Bro]’s school probably can’t require you to bring in school supplies, but you’ll want to pick up supplies for home while everything’s on sale:  pencils, erasers, new crayons, colored pencils, glue, scissors, etc.  We bought each boy a 6 qt storage box with lid for storage and makes homework nice with everything they need in one place.  You’ll also need a storage box to hold school work you can’t bear to toss.  Makes it easy to have one place to keep it all.  Not to big, but wide enough to hold the larger art projects. At the end of the school year, go thru again to keep samples of work and things you can’t part with. It gets overwhelming really fast because it’s hard to throw anything away, but don’t worry, after about 5 years you get the hang of it and know what to keep!”

– Mama J, San Diego

Thank you Mama J!!!!   I’ll start keeping my eyes peeled for the sales!   Great ideas!  Anything else to add from anyone else???

– Mama K

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